slouching towards mediocrity

already painted

2012-01-06T10:26:00.000-08:00

let's take inventory. what to i have going for me?

i'm an extremely talented performance artist, i have free time, subtlety is my middle name, i blow people away with my powerful expressions, i have a great comfort in being nude, and i have gallons of body paint at my disposal.

there must be something out there meant just for me...

Painted Nude Performance Artist Needed for Event

[Gallery] seeks nude performance artist who will be covered in body paint for one evening during our upcoming nude biennial group exhibition. We are looking for someone who can ideally show up already painted or at least provide their own body paint. This artist's performance will be quiet in sound, subtle in movement, and powerful in all expression otherwise. The main qualification is to be comfortable being nude in public.
Compensation is $100.

well,
i could use the hundred bucks.

give it a trim

2011-12-22T14:38:00.000-08:00

your career path begins here:

Scissor Trimmer - Right Handed
Operning for right handed trimmer to use scissors to trim award emblems for High School (letters, patches etc). good eye-hand coordination and crafting skills helpful.
Available hours are 8am - 2:30pm OR 10am - 6:30pm
$7.25/hour to start. Training is provided.

two shifts. for trimming. seriously. how much trimming could they possibly have? and what does the training include? and what if i'm left-handed?

...i wish i had better eye-hand coordination

the sendoff speech

2011-12-13T17:42:00.001-08:00

tomorrow, the filming begins on this commercial.

tonight, the producer asked for all of the production team, pa's, etc gathered to inform us that we were 'the worst, most chaotic team' she's ever worked with.

combing through the night

2011-12-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

last night i came back from 'driving' all day and it was only about 6 or so, so i asked for something to do. my superior told me that there wasn't anything to do at the time, but to 'hang out.'

i hung out.

at 7, i was given the task to go and pick up dinner for everyone. i did that.

then at 7:45, i was given another task to go and pick up another dinner for the producer who didn't eat when the others ate.

back in the office at 8, i hung out some more.

and then i was given the great assignment to purchase a comb for the aforementioned producer. she required a 'wide-tooth' comb. it was 8:30, but it seemed like an easy enough task because, in the hotel (where the commercial main office is), there was a little gift shop, and indeed they carried hair products.

i walked the maze through the hotel and found the gift shop and saw that they had a 'fine-tooth' comb and a brush. this was not what the producer wanted, but i thought that there may be a chance that because it was late and this was so random, that she would say, 'you know what? the brush will work for now and if you could get me a comb tomorrow...'

i went to the counter with both the comb and the brush and asked the girl working there if the gift shop allowed returns. she replied, 'the brush is 5.81 and the comb is 2.11.'

i said, 'can i return them?'

'you're returning these?'

'no, i want to buy them now, but will probably have to return at least one, but maybe both.'

'but if i gave you money back, my drawer would be short.'

'okay...okay, i need to buy these to show someone down the hall and if she doesn't want them, i'll need to return them...'

'she's down the hall?'

'yes. down the hall.'

'i'd have to call a manager if you wanted to do anything with my drawer.'

'would it be easier if i just brought these down the hall and brought them back?'

'i can't let you take them without paying for them.'

'no, i'm not - can i buy these and then get my money back later?'

'i guess - '

finally the purchase was made and i brought the comb and the brush to the producer down the windy hallway.

she looked up from her dinner and pointed to each item and said, 'no, that's a 'fine-tooth' comb and that's a brush.'

i returned them to the gift shop, which a manager was called to. without issue. because they allow returns.

at 9:20, i got to go to walgreen's. i found the exact comb requested and drove back to the hotel. i carried it into the room and handed it to the producer, who gave me a thumb's up sign and said, 'pink?'

an hour later, i was home.

still waiting...

2011-12-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

i drove again today.

most of my day was sitting in the car.

not driving.

waiting.

outside buildings.

listening to the radio.

praying my phone didn't die.

waiting.

waiting...

2011-12-11T07:05:00.000-08:00

i'm a pa on a commercial today. i was first told that my call would be late, but last night i was informed that my call time was 9am. so here i am.

so far today i've looked at facebook, looked over the map of where to drive peeps later in the day (not sure when), and had to walk to one girl's hotel room (in the maze they call a hotel) to retrieve a brush and hand lotion and bring the brush to someone else's hotel room (on the other side of the maze).

and now i'm back at my computer. hanging out. waiting...

it's sunday. i'm tired. i feel like i'm getting strep throat. i want to be on my sofa looking at my little christmas tree and watching mind-numbing sunday television.

but, as it always goes, doing nothing work on a commercial pays about ten times more than doing something work on a film. it's nice how that works out.

why buy the cow...

2011-11-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

we filmed in a dairy today. it was realistic and wonderful that the dairy owner let us film there, and we got some great shots of the cows getting hooked up to the thingamajigs.

but let me say this: that place wreaked. stank, my friends. stank.

but at least it's fun

2011-10-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

we shot today out in a small town. very small town. it was like any other day.

- one of the grips was fired and emailed the entire crew to explain that this is the most depressing crew he'd ever been on.
- one of the art department assistants fell of the back of a truck, onto his head. he refused to go to the doctor or hospital, so our medic gave him a muscle relaxer...and then he drove himself home.

- our makeup artist slammed her head into the door of a minivan and couldn't stop crying and felt nauseated, so i was asked to drive her to the emergency room (back in town).

- it took seventeen takes and two and a half hours to get the last shot, which was supposed to be the 'quick' one.

- the second a.d. can't seem to get the call sheet to attach in an email, which means she can't send it, which means i can't get it, which means i can't send it out, which means i can't go to sleep.

- i'm starving.

ADDED:

- our lead actress accidentally punched the truck during a scene and i got to take her to a hand specialist. no break. just a bone bruise. and so we returned to set and continued filming.

ADDED:

- an unpaid production assistant got into a car accident.

charming fellas

2011-10-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

currently waiting in a holiday inn to pick up the lead actress to bring her to set.

i just got off the phone with the director's mother when a gentleman sitting at the lobby computer turned around and said, 'you ever seen one of those?'

i did not know what he was talking about, but soon found out that he was referring to a gas powered remote control car. and no, i had not heard of them. but he has one. and apparently they go fast.

it was a harmless conversation, but he's wearing a muddy camouflaged hat with a rebel flag on it and i just wonder why stereotypes have to come true.

i think it's a sign from the universe that this will be a great day. great day. good times indeed.

balls in the air

2011-10-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

one of my (horrible) responsibilities is to handle all travel arrangements for people coming in. it's painful and horrible and usually on films they have travel agents because of all the particulars, but the producer didn't see it as worth it because of how easy it is to handle things online.

that's what i've been doing today. getting flights for actors and wanting to vomit. seriously, hours have passed. and i have tons of other stuff too.

and i have to go to the read-thru of the script at 3:30 because i'm the dialect coach, which sounds nice, but i am getting nothing else accomplished today.

and, with all that's going on, there is also a teenage boy in here juggling. literally juggling. he came to audition for the role of the 'special' boy in the film.

take what we can get

2011-10-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

we found a store front downtown to use as an office, which is spacious, and brings in the sounds of passing trains quite often.

and, it provides extra space for the neighboring restaurant. there are newly built walls into our office with a window between us and the patrons of the restaurant.

high class.

everybody loves the sound of the train

2011-10-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

except when it's right outside the door. then it's loud and not
as charming. or when you're on the phone and it comes rumbling down.

literally.

we moved out of the film office in the super8 motel room and rented an old store front on main street. it just so happens that the train tracks go down main street.

oh, the fun.

and last night there was a mutiny. i stepped outside. it was...interesting.

1st & last

2011-09-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

the perfect job should be, above all things, delicious.

Tobacco Dip Taste Test
I have a 2 visit tobacco dip taste test, that pays $75 on 2nd visit.
1st visit you pick up product & take home to try and fill out a questionnaire
2nd visit you turn in the completed questionnaire and receive $75 cash
to see if u qualify, email me the following: (note, if you do not supply all the info, I will delete your email and not call you)
1st & last name
age and gender
brand, flavor and what cut length or pouch user
MOST IMPORTANT: phone #

tempting...but i sure as hell won't tell a complete stranger that i'm a pouch user. my mother doesn't even know.

looks looking look

2011-09-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

this sounds like the hardest way to make thirty bucks.

I'm making a short film (very short) that I believe will take an hour or so to shoot. You take home $30.00 for a very easy days work plus a small meal.
I need either a man or woman who looks between 18 to 22 years old and is androgynous looking.
Examples of the look I'm trying to find:
* Pee Wee Herman
* Bjorn Andresen
* Justin Bieber
* Leif Garret
* Tim Curry
* Bill Kaulitz (Tokio Hotel)
* Chris Crocker
This role requires no acting ability, only a willingness to peform some very modest stuntwork so please only people with no back problems or recent surgeries need apply.

on second thought, i'll do anything for a small meal.

you'll be fine

2011-09-08T09:18:00.001-07:00

we're searching for the perfect location here in good ol' film country. it must be an unoccupied farmhouse on lots of wild land with an old tobacco barn close at hand. easy as a wink.

spotted by one of the trusty folk working on the film, we found some old houses, completely empty, and only had to go to the county clerk to find out the owner...which prompted this email from the producer:

If you could stop by the home of [the property owners] and tell them we'd like to be in touch with them and tell them as much about the project as you like & get some information..

I'll give them a call if you can get a number.

thank you!!!!!!!!

i was to go out and approach some unsuspecting people and inform them i knew they owned some property and that we wanted to use it for a film. good times.

they did not live on the property, so i had to search for the home in town. i found the street and there were tons of newly built neighborhoods all over the place and i couldn't find their address for anything. i drove back and forth on this street until i finally saw that the little dirt path in a clump of trees was actually a driveway - and the driveway i was searching for.

i took a breath and figured that the film would compensate me for any bullet holes i acquired on the job, and drove down a long, narrow, dirty and gravelly driveway to find...a caboose, a house with a golf cart secured onto the front porch, seven garages of various sizes, hanging art, and flowers.

so, of course, i got out of the car and headed for what i felt was the front door. i knocked once. nothing stirred. and i promptly returned to my car.

i drove to a near walgreens and wrote out a note, attempting to seem casual and not at all psychotic, and drove back and slipped it in their mailbox which sat safely on the side of the road.

i informed the producer of my quest and he wrote back:

thaaanks

could you circle back there at the end of the day? or is it too far from you?

i explained to him that distance was not the issue, but that i felt extremely uncomfortable returning, since these people seemed to live off the grid (even though they were feet from neighboring yards). he understood and went out himself...

i haven't heard from him since.

here i am, on the road again

2011-08-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

actually, i'm not on the road, but will soon be.

i'm working on another film, but this one is much smaller in scope than the last and so far i've mostly been working with the producer and director, who are both amazing.

we haven't found a location yet, but we're looking for a farmhouse, which means outside of town - and hoping it's close enough to be able to come home after shooting everyday...but who knows.

other than that, life goes on, school is still fun, and i have spider bites.

night moves

2011-06-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

it's almost midnight.

we're almost done with our first location.

but not yet.

and then we get to move.

to the next location.

to a bar. an actual bar. with drinking patrons.

downtown.

in the rain.

where 15 (drunk) extras wait for our arrival.

and then the cops arrived

2011-06-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

actually, it was a sheriff's deputy.

he showed up on set looking for a guy on crew.

to give him paperwork. or maybe a warrant. not sure. but it didn't stop filming, which is all any of us care about.

fun morning.

grand central station

2011-06-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

we set up an 'office' at every film location. it usually consists of three or four of us hunkered down at our laptops. we keep on working so the film can keep on filming, and we take whatever setup we can get.

so far, we've been on a picnic table under a tree, in an auditorium with the cast of 'hairspray' rehearsing behind us, in a board room flush with furniture from 1987, an empty store in a strip mall, the upstairs private dining room at a country club, and an out-of-business furniture showroom.

today, we're in a quiet, cool room with four large, round tables with white tablecloths and white chairs. it's called the 'terrace room' and as offices go, this one is pretty nice, except that, for some reason it's become the hot spot for activity.

it began this morning when the women's tennis team at the club decided to have their 'after match snack wrap' in this room since we were filming on their patio. they were sweet and talked about lots things like the olympics in beijing and salmonella poisoning. then one of the girls playing a stripper came in because she needed a good place to do her yoga. she stretched in a couple corners, but found the best place to be right inside the door. one of the grips decided to play some upbeat, jaunty songs on the piano. one of the actors fell asleep on a love seat, snoring loudly. i walked back in from lunch to find lights set up so that another actor could film an audition, but it took longer than he intended because the snoring kept interrupting him.

really, it's like any other office.

paranoia strikes deep in the heartland

2011-06-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

i didn't sleep last night. i tried reading, watching tv (two and a half men), reading a book on kindle, taking a shower, closing my eyes, journaling, and crying.

the reason for my insomnia might be that i had too much sugar and no actual dinner.

or it might be that, as i was leaving the set, one member of the crew said something to me that made me terrified that the entire cast and crew hated me and i would never work again and that i had completely done something wrong that i would forever be blacklisted.

what, you ask, was the conversation that gave me such pain and anxiety? it was thus:

me: okay, i'm headin out. see you at 9 tomorrow.
crew member: 8.
me: 8? but the schedule -
crew member: you know what? get there when you want. whatever.

i left in tears.

this morning i approached this person and asked if there was an issue with my arrival time for the past two weeks. he looked a) confused at my approach, and b) terrified of the crazy in my eyes. he said he was just tired the night before and didn't even remember the conversation, but he certainly didn't mean anything.

so...

clearly, stress, lack of sleep, and an insane schedule has had no affect on me.

the inevitable

2011-06-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

last night, amid the chaos of the continuity collapse and the world ending, the production designer approached me and asked if i had ever received photos of the lead actor as a child. i had not. nor did i realize that it was my responsibility more than sending out emails to him to ask.

so this morning, the director came to me and asked to talk and questioned i wasn't on top of this. i almost cried. i was frozen in a non-answer.

and then i attempted to fix the situation.

but seriously, it's inevitable. whenever fifty people are working insane hours for an insane amount of days on end, it's inevitable that something goes wrong. and it's inevitable that it's your fault at some point.

and this morning it was mine.

tension and fun

2011-06-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

late last night, it was realized that a scene shot earlier in the day was completely out of sequence, costume-wise. which means we have to reshoot.

it was crazy. and quiet and angry whispering and grabbing of notebooks and exhausted 'thank you's' to the people still in the dark to the entire thing.

...funny thing - it upset the cast and crew more than the fact that a human being in the cast had to be rushed to the emergency room earlier that day.

she's a lady

2011-06-10T13:20:00.003-07:00

the lady cop is back. wearing riding pants and boots.

?

at lunch

2011-06-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

an actor went to the hospital. chest pain. maybe. emergency, or close to it. there's strange, quiet tension. don't know who knows about it and who doesn't.

but someone just came in and asked if we wanted anything from starbucks.

and i decided to write about it.

breffst

2011-06-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

the actor's mother took pictures of the provided breakfast this morning to prove to everyone (who happened to be enjoying the same breakfast) that the meal sucked and was reason enough for them to leave and get food at the mac-donald's.

slam

2011-06-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

i have hit a wall.

mid-production slump. and i can barely keep myself going.

yesterday i had the shortest work day in a month. it was only twelve hours.

...only a week and a half to go and then i will drop.

she be crazy

2011-06-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

there's a 'lady cop' who keeps coming around. sometimes in uniform. sometimes not. today, i walked outside and found her passed out on the ground. twenty feet away from where we were filming.

um...

2011-06-05T15:05:00.000-07:00

i'm on set today. at a table. laptop in front of me.

and because of the chance of rain, the 'office' has moved into the auditorium at the community center where we're shooting.

it just so happens that
this auditorium houses a theatre.
this theatre puts on shows.
these shows need to rehearse.
they're having rehearsal right now.
for a musical.
that musical is 'hairspray.'
and they like to sing.
behind us.
mere feet away.
with a piano.
and repeat their songs over.
and over again.
and again.
and again.

and again.

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

2011-06-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the biggest day of the shoot - about 150 people including actors, crew, and background. we're on a site that only six of us have seen. we can't bring people by tonight for a walk-thru because there's an event going on. and somehow we have to make tomorrow go smoothly to keep up with the proposed schedule.

in theory, we have to be completely theoretical with the planning.

but right now, my only focus is getting through tomorrow. we have over two weeks left on this shoot, but just get me through tomorrow and life will be okay.

all our pain

2011-06-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

i think this morning was an over-reaction by everyone involved. i'm embarrassed that i cried, but grateful that i was alone in the office and only one person witnessed it over the phone.

and i've somehow hit the wall where the idea of working or accomplishing anything seems like the most overwhelming task and really, all i want to do is nap. i've been working like mad, but somehow it now takes me ages to do anything.

only two and a half more weeks. and then, "we shall rest. i have faith, uncle, fervent, passionate faith. we shall rest. we shall rest. we shall hear the angels. we shall see heaven shining like a jewel. we shall see evil and all our pain disappear in the great pity that shall enfold the world. our life will be as peaceful and gentle and sweet as a caress. i have faith; i have faith. my poor, poor uncle vanya, you are crying! you have never known what it is to be happy, but wait, uncle vanya, wait! we shall rest. we shall rest. we shall rest." - uncle vanya

... i'm sunburnt.

and the tears started

2011-06-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

this is a small film that has grown exponentially. the budget, though, has not grown, so many of us are wearing many many hats and trying to figure out how to a) keep the balls in the air, and b) mix metaphors well.

this morning, i am finding out that i'm not doing a stellar job as a location manager. very true. why? because i've never been a location manager before, am rarely on set when i'm in production, couldn't pick out a lens cap out of a box saucers, and am completely overwhelmed. one thing i have done well, or so i thought, was tell people that i have never been a location manager and don't know what to do, what questions to ask, or in any way have the answers needed when we bombard these sweet people who have no idea what's about to hit them.

long story short (story not included), i'm in stressed out hell for still not knowing what i'm supposed to be doing and just had a tearful fight over the phone with a crew member because i didn't have all the answers.

because i'm grown up and here and working hard and haven't slept in over a month and today i find out that i know nothing about something i never knew about.

completely unexpected

2011-06-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

a TENNIS ball flew and hit the camera, breaking a filter and scratching the lens.

to catch you up

2011-06-01T17:31:00.001-07:00

so much has happened in merely a few days...

-the lead actor didn't answer his door when the car was there to pick him up to take him to the airport - but then he did. he was in the shower.
-the actor and his mother ended up flying - i found this out when i emailed to ask about their eta and they said they were on standby in chicago and would be in town in about two hours
-the actor and his mother arrived sans cat
-a dog did arrive, though. one of the actors' girlfriends flew in for the night and brought her dachshund to set
-i had to drive an actor to whole foods and he kept asking me to smell the cheeses with him
-the costume designer approached me this morning to ask how easy it would be for him to "ease out of the film"
-we have a brand that is angry at us and the costume designer has their products throughout even though we don't have clearance to use it
-the actor and his mother have requested to change to a 'nice hotel' because of the 'bed-bug epidemic that's sweeping the east coast.'...we're not on the coast.
-the production designer had accepted the fact that the film did not have all the tennis rackets required for the TENNIS movie and called the director to tell him
-the director forgot to tell everyone that the reason people were cast was because they had their own tennis gear (problem solved)
-this morning, the script supervisor and the first ad and i all commiserated about being in tears and feeling crazy when we got home last night
-a puppy-like pa volunteered to make all the copies of the script for the reading, and we realized an hour before that the scripts were copied at an angle, missing pages, blurry, and out of order
-as of this morning (second day of shooting) we still had two roles not yet cast, which are in scenes to be shot today...know anyone who wants to play a stripper who doesn't speak?
-one actor informed us that he doesn't eat eggs. previously unknown. funny since it was the night before he had a scene where he had to eat a great deal of EGG fu yong. (yes, i emailed everyone in this scene and asked about allergies, food issues, etc. somehow the egg thing never came up)
-the actor's mother made the second ad put the umbrella on the call sheet so there was no issue about it actually getting to set
-i'm sitting about a hundred feet from set, inside in air conditioning. feel very nicely removed from it all
-i also became in charge of casting, as of two hours ago

worth your weight

2011-05-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

the director asked if the production could trade in one of the producers for a new copier. since one would be more help to us than the other.

he was serious.

flames on the side of my face

2011-05-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

we had a walk-through of one of the locations this morning, and because we are trying to be green and good and smart, we carpooled - which somehow made the world collapse.

we realized in the parking lot of the first location, after standing around and pointing at parking lots and bathrooms and tables and porches, that it was time to leave and...that all of use had to go to a different destination.

hilarious.

i ended up first, driving down an old road with the director, and then, following another car to a second location only to find out that one of the cars made an unscheduled trip back to the office (which is where i needed to go).

so, it only took five hours for me to get back to the office and have a slight meltdown.

but it's the weekend. and i'm sitting here terrified and anxious that all the flights are going to be wrong, that everyone will be pissed, and the film will be ruined because of me.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn

sunshine

2011-05-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

today...

-the producer flew off to europe for a family wedding. he will not have access to phone or email.

-we replaced the lead (finally)

-a young man showed up at the door. no one knew how he found out where the office was. one of the producers said he's gotten in trouble for sexual misconduct before...so we gave him a job.

-two friends have called to warn me of the impending death ray of a tornado bound to sweep through our land.

the perfect umbrella

2011-05-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

just got an email from the woman (mother of an actor) who's bringing the cat...this is in response to the costume designer asking if he could dye his hair dark for the role.

We have 6-A and 5-N, they look black on his hair...please tell the costume designer though that he does NOT look good with these colors; they look pretty bad because of his paler skin. It's ammonia--free which is the most important thing for his hair.

p.s. - He will need to hold an umbrella over himself the entire time except when actually shooting. Please order a UVA/UVB umbrella to block him from the sun. We don't have any room in the car and we will not receive it on time before we leave either. Here's the perfect umbrella for him. http://www.amazon.com/Doctor-Recommended-Umbrellas-Rating-protection/product-reviews/B002XI4H0Q/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1 ...Also, please use a stand-in when blocking scenes of course.

He has 'infant-like" skin now that is not supposed to be exposed to any sun. He will have 100 SPF sunscreen on, but he really need to be kept in the shade. Hopefully, the director is not shooting in too much direct sunlight [it's a movie about tennis] or at least using those white canopy tarps when shooting...It's very easy, he just constantly holds the umbrella over him until they start rolling film.

no stress

2011-05-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

we just lost our lead actor.

no explanation yet.

might not ever come.

but he's gone.

sink those hooks

2011-05-24T06:06:00.000-07:00

casting is pretty much finished, which is a very good thing since we start shooting in a week, but i woke up this morning and saw that i received an email from a gentleman who lives about an hour away who's interested in auditioning.

my first thought was wondering how he got my email, but then i didn't care. my second thought was thinking that we weren't looking for anyone else so i would just skip the email and move on. my third thought was, 'what the fuck?' because it really felt surreal to read at 6:36 in the am.

I am an upper extremity double amputee (no hands) whose acting career was cut short twenty years ago...I am now eager to return to my craft... and want to sink my hooks into some juicy roles.

and a cat

2011-05-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

fun things today:

-one actor can't be here because he wants to go to a concert
-another actor wants a day off to go to prom in philadelphia (we do not live in philadelphia)
-one actor is bringing his mother
-the ingenue wears a 34D
-the young actor, who is 17, who is bringing his mother...has just informed us that they are also bringing a cat
-one actor wants to come in on a later flight (that was already approved), which turns out to be a $600 difference

thinks that's it for now...

food allergies

2011-05-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

i really have no room to talk because i have a high sensitivity to wheat, but...

here's what's up.

there's a scene in this picture show where two teams of five (10 total) have an eating contest. i contacted those in the scene to find out if there were any food allergies that we had to be aware of before going into production - this is the list i got from 8 so far - still waiting on the last two:

dairy allergy
nut allergy
allergic to avocados
dislike of shellfish and anchovies
semi-allergy of chocolate
great dislike of bell peppers
allergic to cashews
and

"i don't eat anything i haven't tried before"

pre-pro

2011-05-19T05:58:00.000-07:00

i've been in charge of travel for all these actors comin for the film and yesterday i get a phone call from one such actor who says, 'hey, i didn't know i'd be going down there on the 29th, cause i have a concert to go to on the 31st. can't i come on the 1st?' - the 1st that he speaks of is our first day of shooting.

but that was simply something to work out.

late last night, i finally get an email back from an agent of one of the actors that i've been trying to reach regarding travel, and at the end of the email, he wrote 'I presume this includes his mother as well as he is still a minor with legal 18 status.'

and then i laughed uncontrollably for five minutes.

relaxtion

2011-04-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

RELAXTION SPECIALISTS
IN NEED OF RELAXATION SPECIALISTS.
PLEASE REPLY IN EMAIL YOUR PICTURE AND YOUR PHONE NUMBER
MUST RECEIVE PICTURE
I WILL CALL TO SCHEDULE INTERVIEWS
PLEASE ALSO LIST ANY EXPERIENCE AND POSSIBLE WORK SCHEDULE

i think someone needs to relax.

complete garbage

2011-03-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

i'm working on a film to be shot this summer and i'm in charge of posting the audition notices - so i went to my trusty ol' craigslist and the first email i received was from a lovely gentleman, who wrote:

this movie sounds like the worst movie ever...
you should just not make it..
if you ever start making a movie that isn't complete garbage let me know

and i will let him know. he seems really fun to work with.

flush

2011-03-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

i am not a fan of potty humor, but that being said...

this morning, just before i headed out to teach in the one room schoolhouse, i got a voicemail from the youngest daughter,

'hi laura, it's k. um, our septic tank isn't working so please stop at the mcdonald's before you get here.'

click.

one of the best messages i've ever received.

two down...

2011-03-06T07:07:00.000-08:00

this past friday, i turned in the last of my work for the semester. 88 pages of a 'finished' script that had, by most accounts, a happy ending. it's done. finally. i grew to hate that script with a passion and didn't want to think about it or care about it, but when i finally got to the end, i found myself strangely connected to it. who knows.

since then, i've been cleaning like crazy. it's probably four or five times a year that i clean and scrub and wash every nook and cranny in this place. it's very small, but packed in like a storage facility, which makes cleaning difficult at times. but it feels good. radio on. wearing my mom's disposable surgical gloves, an old sweatshirt and shorts, cleanin away.

i finished the kitchen, living room, and bathroom yesterday. today, i'm working on the bedroom and dining room/office/laundry/ storage/linen closet. and after cleaning, i'm going to organize my file cabinet.

- this is why i love rainy weekends.

and then, when everything is in its place, i'll finish the schedule breakdown for the film.

but in the back of my mind, i know must start on thinking about what to write for next semester. i believe i shall attempt to write a comedy.

the brunette

2011-03-01T04:54:00.000-08:00

Ernestine Jane Geraldine Russell,

the incomparable

Jane Russell,

died yesterday.

06/21/1921 - 02/28/2011

cuttin' up

2011-02-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

i got to the schoolhouse this past thursday and waved to j and his dad as i made my way up the stone path.

once inside, k asked if i saw the big ol' hog. and, of course, she was referring to the 'big ol' hog' j and his dad were presently butchering when i strolled along.

um, no. i did not see it.

somehow during class, i forgot about this activity going on mere feet away. but, no worries, i was quickly reminded of it when i stepped onto the porch to go inside the house for lunch, and there, right before my eyes, was a butchered hog. piles of fat, legs, and meat. right there in front of me. slabs and fat and pork. and bone. no head, though. or feet. just big ol' hunks o' hog.

we had soup that day for lunch. bean soup. very good.

mama mia, here i go again

2011-02-18T06:20:00.000-08:00

heading to my grad assistantship gig this morning, i heard the regular annoying banter from the dj's on the morning show. and for some reason i kept listening.

come to find out, they were interviewing two of the leads of the touring company for 'mama mia.' and one of them just happened to be a guy i worked with way back in regional theatre, some 48 years ago. i really only remember that a) he was always really really really chipper and b) his name is 'happy.'

i didn't know him well. certainly not well enough to contact him to say, 'hey, you're in my home town touring a broadway show and i'm here because i live here and have seventeen jobs and am not completely sure what i'm doing with my life.'

it was just one of those moments when i reevaluated everything going on in my life and everything i'm working towards. and it's not like i want his life or career. sure, touring a broadway show sounds fun and, hey, living the highlife from the fame of a national olive garden commercial is probably pretty sweet (yes, he's in an olive garden commercial), but i think i'm okay.

i still like my life, even if i'm not always happy.

team player

2011-02-15T16:59:00.001-08:00

it's sometimes difficult to admit, but i'm rarely taken very seriously.

so it came as a bit of a surprise when my sweet friend asked me to be on her birthing team (as a shortstop). she's pregnant with her second child and will have her husband and a dhoula in the room with her, and she's asked for me and another friend as well.

when she asked me i was completely honored and elated and bragged to a few friends...and then read the 'birth in a nutshell' chapter in a book she lent me.

ummm, that shit sounds crazy.

i don't know why it shocked me so much considering i've thought of being a midwife or dhoula before. but, it fell in the same category as being a bush pilot in east africa, or a school marm in a one room schoolhouse (oh, wait).

but i said yes and i'm going to do it with ghusto.

she said she asked me because she and her husband see me as both calming and funny, which i take as the highest compliment. but, in all honesty, me and my antics get pretty annoying pretty fast when birth is on the line.

no worries. we came up with a safety word. if anyone in the room says it, i am to quietly take my leave.

the word, you ask?

zucchini plant.

still not sure

2011-02-15T04:59:00.000-08:00

the great opportunity came down the pike yesterday... i think.

to catch you up:

while at sundance, i made it a priority to see as many films connected to my lil' ol' hometown as possible (surprisingly, there were a few). but, as it turned out, i only got a chance to see one.

the connection with this film, you ask? well, the producer of this film works in the same company as a man who owns a production company that has both an office here and in fancy nyc. realizing that the chick was in nyc, i decided to write the main guy.

i emailed him and asked if i could sit down and ask him some questions. he said sure, and in the meantime, he asked me to read a script. i read it once and then decided to take notes since i really had no idea why this person asked me to read a script.

anyhoo, i met with him yesterday and i'm not sure if it went well or not. i got there and we walked back to his office, past working people who looked very important. part of me felt like a student on a field trip pretending to be an adult and the other part of me felt like an adult - until i took off my jacket. i took it off to sit down, but it kept tugging at my back and i realized that the ripped lining was stuck to the back of my jeans (yes, i wore jeans because these are hip film people). i pulled the strands of the lining out and tore another piece and finally sat down. i did this, though, with the highest sense of professionalism and I'm sure he didn't notice a thing.

he asked me how i liked the script and i said it was funny (i did actually laugh out loud a few times), and then he asked me who set up this meeting. this confused the hell out of me because it was just me writing him out of the blue. it wasn't that big of a deal, but it led to about five minutes of 'who do we both know in town?' it's a fun game that's played regularly here.

i peppered him with questions that i'd prepared and then, seemingly out of nowhere, he said, 'so, you've done some line producing before?' and he said it like we were already talking about being a line producer, which we were not. i said that yes, i had worn almost every hat in terms of producing (which is a slight lie, but who really cares) and from that i asked him about production on the script he sent me. he said there were only a few locations and the late-blooming over-achiever that i am said, 'three main locations and nine minor.' he stared for a quiet moment and i timidly said that i'd written down the locations and characters when i read through the script.

i asked him if he had any actors in mind and he mentioned one actor he liked and i said, 'oh, yeah, for the part of XXX.' (i don't know why i said it with such confidence because it's not the main role and i could have said anything.) but he said, 'yeah. yeah, that's the part i thought - do you know who i'm talking about?' and i did because the only information i retain is actors.

okay, this is when it kind of got crazy (the term 'crazy' being used loosely). he asked me to email him my notes, which intimidated me because it's just a list of locations and characters. and then he asked me if i would be interested in putting together a budget for the film.

ummmmmmmm....yeah, no problem.

i kind of laughed and said, 'what if i email it to you and you say, "this chick doesn't even know what a budget is," and he responded with, "i could send you some budgets we've used on other films."

so i think the meeting went well, but now i have homework doing something that i, in so many words, told someone i know how to do. but in reality i kind of don't know how to do.

please understand that i am aware of the opportunity and am trying to take advantage of as much as possible, but i'm also terrified that this will pretty much prove that the emperor has no clothes.

not that i'm an emperor...

prominent nose is preferred

2011-02-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

hear that?

Steve Martin Lookalike

Need an actor bearing a STRONG resemblance to Steve Martin to sit for a photograph. While a caucasian male, age 50-70, with grey hair and a prominent nose is preferred, we will consider anyone bearing a very strong resemblance. Compensation will be very good depending on the resemblance...

that's opportunity knockin.

stay consistent in your work ethic, lazy people

2011-02-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

he/she sounds like a joy to work for (if you are teachable!):

Assistant
If you are ambitious, motivated and teachable, I will train you personally to make a comfortable income, and all you need is to be willing to follow instruction to the detail, and stay consistent in your work ethic, lazy people move on because I do not have time for your excuses!

If you are interested in starting right away, then email your name,number, and best time to call when you are in front of a computer with about 10min. free so I can qualify you over the phone, thank you for your time!

one thing you will be taught is the art of the run-on sentence.

not sure yet

2011-02-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

as it happens, i have had a lot of luck in my life with writing letters. usually the letters are as simple as, 'i like what you do and want to meet you' and holy hell, a door opens.

well, something might be coming down the pike because of one such letter.

i shall let you know soon.

ruthann r.i.p.

2011-02-03T04:50:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry to say that ruthann has passed away. i haven't buried her yet. she still sits in the front of the house, which makes me feel pretty and not at all white trash.

i know she would want me to move on, so i have begun my search. what i'm looking for is simple - something i can buy that's worth much more than i pay and something reliable that will get me through the next few years - at least until i graduate.

the problem i face is my choices are quite limited. one good thing is that (as i recently found out) mama has some good credit. but the possibly bigger problem is that i have a difficult time proving my income. it's not that i don't work, it's simply that i can't really prove it when it comes to forms and all that junk.

at the moment, my occupation is as follows:

theatre reviews (ain't enough to show anything)

babysitting (no check stub)

bookkeeping (ironically, same problem as babysitting)

teaching (i get paid with a $20 bill on my dash every once in a while.)

prank phone calls (not legally allowed to talk about and they do not put ytd on the check stub)

graduate assistant (one day a week and it goes towards school. mama don't get no check.)

so here i sit without a working auto-car.

in the meantime, please say your prayers for dear ruthann. she's been a good friend these past many years. a very good friend indeed.

sun dance

2011-01-31T08:55:00.001-08:00

getting into sundance is probably the most notable thing on my resume. it's a huge bragging point for my family and friends. and i have to say, in the brief moments between shock and confusion, it definitely gives me a sense of pride.

that being said,

upon arriving in the beautiful state of utah, i realized quite quickly that no one gives a good gosh darn who the co-producer of a short film is.

humility is a wonderful thing. it gave me perspective. so i spent my brief time there observing and being inspired.

(and i saw a documentary about the national film registry in the library of congress that made me cry. hysterically.)

womans

2010-12-14T06:22:00.000-08:00

i like job postings that are clear up front.

very large busty woman wanted
100 for sitting fee we pay you for womans calender being made serious females only please cup size bigger than e please forward a picture to us cash up front

yet another moment in my life i wish i had a bigger chest and lower standards. i could use a hundred bucks right now.

looks like i'm goin' to utah

2010-12-01T06:20:00.000-08:00

so, i got some news over the holiday weekend...

it seems that the alligator movie i worked on back in the spring, that i believe i got a 'co-producer' credit on because we really didn't know what else to call me, well...

- okay, this is crazy to write -

...it got into sundance.

yep, that sundance.

paper and pictures

2010-11-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

for anyone who's detail-oriented and looking for an exciting career in textiles...

Origami Expert Needed
I have a book with paper and pictures of how to fold an origami train. Small job for you, impossible for me.

it's only part-time. no compensation is listed, but i'm sure it would be worthwhile.

the taxpayers

2010-10-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

i love response posts.

RE: Overnight sitter
15 dollars for the night... honey this aint india anymore 15 dollars will cover the calories you use watching ur kid. im gonna help you out if you want people to watch him the going rate for a cheap sitter is 10 an hour

it's true. this is no longer india.

RE;MOTHER'S HELPER
ARE YOU FOR REAL? 5 DOLLARS AN HOUR FOR COOKING, CLEANING, IRONING AND TAKING CARE OF YOUR KID? AT LEAST OFFER MINIMUM WAGE, AND EVEN THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!

ironing would set me over the edge too. but not everyone is that expressive. the meek have a voice too.

re PC Technician
15 per hour is not much to live on. how can anyone survive on that

ah, the meek. they shall get a handsome income someday when they finally get that inheritance.

Re: Full time Technician (roadtohell) (Communist’s Dreamland)
Here is another one XXXXX

with $14 /hour, but there is a catch – in addition to Active Directory, GPOs, firewalls, sales experience and certifications, they want you to use your own car and have clean driving record. This is f**n’ unbelievable!!!

Next thing you know, they'll want you to pay them for employing you...

is it the clean driving record that's most "f**n' unbelievable!!!"

RE: Drrivers Wanted
Besides the fact that this place advertises constantly (3rd time just this week) in a field (courier/messinger) where the majority of companies have lost up to half of their business (so they basically "COLLECT" drivers just in case they have a busy day every now and then) rumor has it that we (the taxpayers) basically financed their kids summer vacation (layoff from the family business ,collects unemployment so they don't have to pay him, & is suddenly now back with the company).

i (too) am a fan of parenthesis. without the parenthesis, he said,

Besides the fact that this place advertises constantly in a field where the majority of companies have lost up to half of their business rumor has it that we basically financed their kids summer vacation.

who (for one) is spreading that rumor? i thought summer vacations were free (even poor children have them).

RE:RE:==Windows 7 deployment technician needed! Limited experience (roadtohell)
$12 an hour was the old rate, now it is $10 an hour.

Just take the job and then just steal what ever is not nailed down. And make sure you steal data. Their competition will pay you for their customer list and other info. *.pst files are loaded with useful data.

If they do not fairly compensate you for your skills, then turn your skills againts them.

um...

remove removal

2010-10-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

do you ever have to repeat yourself to get noticed?

removal of small rock pile
remove small rock pile
removal small rock pile
remove small rock pile

and sometimes one word can make all the difference.

non-sexual

2010-10-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

craigslist ads, sooner or later, always find their way to the stripper/pole dancer/prostitute in so many words positions and, to be honest, it gets old. but sometimes something strikes me as strange.

for ins...

Hiring non-sexual escorts for immediate work [they amazingly make the word 'non-sexual' seem sexual and perverted]
XXXX's #1 Agency for your Bachelor Party Dancers, Escorts, Private Parties and 1 on 1's in the XXXX area [because nothing here, in any way, seems like it would lead to any type of sexual situation whatsoever]

We are very private - and anyone over 18 is welcome to apply. [are these two thoughts connected?]

This is legal, legit and non-sexual companionship. [this is overreaching]

We are currently looking for independent escorts (ages 18 and over) looking to be a part of our team and make some [?] great income! [i'm over 18, looking to be a part of a team, and want to make 'some great income,' and what's more fun is that i love non-sexual situations!]

Email us your name, age, telephone number and at least two photos to [nothing comes after 'to']
(Please send photos before you call to set up a time to come in) [understandable]

We need girls able to start immediately.
If you can come in for an interview tonight, you can start tonight. [i can interview and start tonight? bingo bango]

non-sexual is natural. non-sexual is fun. not everybody does it. but everybody should.

infomation avaiable

2010-10-23T05:54:00.000-07:00

just some things i noticed

Babysitter Avaiable
Infomational Surveys
1995 GMC Sierra 1500 sle($2,200) [found in etc. jobs]

i wish them all good luck.

renting chocolate

2010-10-07T14:08:00.001-07:00

i like chocolate and i like partying. hmm, i wonder if there's something out there just for me...

Chocolate, Partying. Need I Say More?
Chocolate, Partying.
Need I say More?
You can actually make money by renting chocolate fountains and attending events/parties.

If you're interested, please email resume.
Please email any questions or concerns.
Compensation: $25-$30 per chocolate fountain rental.

i believe that yes, you need say more.

question(s): do i just lug this fountain to random 'events/parties'? do i need an invite? will people pay me once i arrive because i brought the coolest, oversized piece of shit? if it is such a hit at parties, can i go back in time and gift it to my even dorkier self - and perhaps change history and become really cool all because of a chocolate fountain rental and time travel?

i believe it can be summed up by the genius that is 'some kind of wonderful':

"to win big, you gotta do what?"
"lose."
"lose big. what are we doin now?"
"we're losin big."

back in old napoli, that's zamboni

2010-10-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

how many times can you say 'zamboni' before the word becomes meaningless?

Zamboni Driver - Ice Rink
Part-time Zamboni drivers wanted for ice rinks in XXX. Must have valid drivers license and able to drive and operate Zamboni. Please reply and answer the following questions [zamboni]. 1. What town do you [zamboni] live in? 2. Do you have a car? 3. Where did you learn how to drive the Zamboni?

We will contact potential employees with a [zamboni] phone interview.

i hope they do more than a phone interview. yikes.

peanuts

2010-10-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

i recently had to help a friend post something on craigslist and this is not a simple task.

Re: Household Help Part Time THIS IS EXACTLY A SLAVE JOB! ($8/hr? WOW)
Crazy lady.
Location: $8/hr? WOW
Compensation: peanuts

so if you're going to go through all that work anyway, i mean, come on...give us a little more of a rant than that.

15 minutes of fame

2010-10-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

it's always when i'm stuck in traffic, trying to head out of town to get to an audition three hours away for a part that i'm probably not gonna get anyway that i question what the hell i'm doing with my life.

and yesterday was no different.

i'm always early. always. it's an annoying trait and the reason i always have work or a book to read to help pass the time. so, when i do head down to music city usa, i usually get there about an hour before anyone is expecting me, so i wander. and because of this, i've been able to get to know the streets of nashville a bit.

and thank god because yesterday went all to hell.

because of my trend of being early, i decided to push my departure time a bit. i headed out the door at 3:30 to arrive in nashville for the audition at 5:45 (they're an hour behind us). but as i left town, my brain decided to nap and i a) forgot how to get on the interstate, b) changed my mind three times as to how to find the interstate, and c) wound up in traffic all three times and didn't actually get out of town and on the highway until 4.

but somehow, i still managed to make pretty good time. i went about 80 and except for a semi's tire flying off and hitting the front of my car and giving me severe anxiety that it had done major damage, there were no problems on the drive down.

the problems arose when i got to town at 5:20 and couldn't read my directions. that's right, my directions. my printer is not speaking to me, so i wrote out the directions by hand and of course the address is on a street that has two different names and when i put each name into google maps, yes, two different addresses showed up. but, even with this lovely red flag hovering above me before i left home, i decided not to worry about it until i was stuck in a 'turn only' lane headed away from town and towards open fields to think there might be a problem.

that was when i called my agent. who didn't answer. and i left a message saying that all was all right and i'm sure i would be there on time and not to worry. (he didn't call back).

as i sped and yelled and screeched to a halt and changed lanes in front of screaming folks, i breathed in the good and let out the bad. i took care of what i could when i could. i changed from my flipflops to my boots at stop lights. i put on lipstick while waiting for the traffic cop to wave me through. and i was ready - except for the one boot that was out of reach on the floor of the passenger side.

and then somehow, by the grace of all things holy, i found the address...kind of. i saw what would have been the neighboring building, so i swerved around and drove around the block, searching for the building i was to go to.

i screamed a few times and took deep breaths and found a space in a city parking lot. i parked, put on my other boot, and paid a lovely SIX BUCKS. frustrating. i ran to the door of the building and my hand touched the door handle at precisely 5:45.

i had arrived. and i could clearly see my reflection in the glass door.

um, funny thing. when i'm nervous or bored or talking to someone or not talking, i play with my hair. i flop it around and there it is. and because of the audition, for some reason, i decided to put a little product in my hair to make it look like it was in some way on purpose. well...looking at my reflection, moments before i would surely knock their socks off with my brilliant line reading, i realized that i had 'sex' hair (you know what i'm talking about). i looked crazy. my hair stood up in some parts, was matted down in others, and stuck out in a fan behind my left ear.

i looked at myself in absolute horror.

and then walked inside.

i rushed to the top of the stairs and went in the meeting room and signed my name while breathing like a dying lama. the actresses (ugh, i'm one of them) sat on the leather sofas and eyed me up and down as i lumbered over, sweat dripping and pooling around me. i collapsed on a sofa and looked back at the door to see a hand-written sign that read:

you are not allowed to park in the lot next door

well, crappity crap crap. yes, of course, my car was parked in the lot next door. but i paid, so they could kiss my ass, said my tough inner self. (my meek self was concerned with towing.)

a woman came out and called in the actors in the order they'd signed up. i was the last of the group of 'medical examiners.' they all had long, brushed hair and pigment in their skin. eh.

finally, she called my name.

i went into an office where the woman introduced herself as tillie and the man as simon, the director. (for those of you who don't know, people who work in film always have names like this). i plopped down in a chair, but tillie said that i would actually be standing for the audition...'or crouching, if you want.'

'i do want to crouch, thank you,' i said. and i said it in a way where it was clear that i thought i was being witty, even though it wasn't at all witty and i just sounded really dumb.

but, i wanted to crouch, so crouch i did.

tillie read my cue line and then i crouched and pulled back the flannel shirt of the imaginary dead man on the carpeted floor and said, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large collabor - cal-."

yep, i effed up the line.

'we need to change that line because everyone has messed it up today,' tillie said and laughed a little and simon pretended to say the line with marbles in his mouth, 'large col-la-bubububu.' and i laughed because that's what you do at an audition. you laugh at shit that isn't funny.

we did it again and again i crouched over the body and said the line (this time correct).

'hmm, you don't have to be emotional. this is your job. you were asked what you found and you're simply stating it. let's go again.' --for the record, i wasn't being emotional. it wasn't like i was saying the line like i had just discovered a loved one shot through the heart (and you're to blame). i thought i just said it.

so, again, i crouched and said, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large caliber bullet.'

'you're not announcing it to the world. you're just saying it,' tillie said, which sounded a lot like, 'no, you're not mad at him, you're just pointing. hey you. i know you. i know you.'

okay. giving information. not announcing. no emotion. just the facts.

i crouched, peeled back the imaginary shirt off the imaginary corpse, saw the imaginary bullet hole, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large caliber bullet.' and i think i gave a 'that's all i got' look to tillie, which could have been taken as a character choice or, what it really was, a 'please don't ask me to do this again because i really don't give a shit' look.

and they didn't ask me to do it again. they thanked me and i headed out and got back in my car (yes, it was still there) at 6:00.

fifteen minutes.

so i drove home.

again, don't think i'll be hearing from my agent regarding the role of the medical examiner.

to the chest

2010-09-30T06:35:00.001-07:00

my agent doesn't call me to audition all too often, so it's strange to get a call twice in less than a month. (and so soon after my failure at the curves audition. but alas.) i have one this evening - again in nashville.

here's the line i gots to get just right:

One pistol shot to the chest. Large caliber bullet.

jealous?

toddlers for low pay

2010-09-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

more passive aggressive, frustrated job hunters who use craigslist as therapy...

RE: CHILDCARE IN OUR HOME MON-THURS, needed ASAP!!!!
Roughly $6.25 an hour to care for two children and clean your house? Are you insane? Pay may increase if you are a super-experienced nanny and can commit long-term slavery? Wow. Some weekends and nights, too? Do you spend any time with your children?

Compensation: Long hours with toddlers for low pay

i was once offered 8 an hour to watch a toddler and if i felt i deserved more money (this was how she worded it), i was to clean her house as well (she has two large cats with a lot of hair). anger still erupts when i think of this conversation, but my situation was with a friend (yep. a friend. someone i've known for years.), so i got to release my anger in the old fashioned way - gossip.

i would pay for each breath

2010-09-21T07:01:00.001-07:00

i guess we all wonder if our breath is bad. usually, we find a piece of gum or a mint, maybe drink a bit more water, or, you know, hire someone...to, you know...

Tell Me If My Breath Smells for $600 Per Hour
I’d like to be able to occasionally meet someone and have them tell me if my breath smells. I would pay $5 for each breath that you evaluate. At a given meeting, I might only ask you to evaluate one or two breaths. I would pay for each breath evaluated. For example, if you evaluated my breath twice at one meeting, I’d pay you $10.
If your evaluation of one breath takes 30 seconds, that would mean that your compensation would be at a rate of $600 per hour, since $5 in 30 seconds = $10 in 1 minute = $600 in 60 minutes. Thus, the compensation that you’d be getting in this arrangement would be very high compared to the time you’d be spending to get it.
Here are aspects of the arrangement that I’d like to set up:
- You could discontinue the arrangement at any time.
- You would never have to travel. I could come to you.
- If we met at your home, I wouldn’t need to step inside your home, since we would just have a brief interaction and then exchange money.
Please respond only if you meet the following requirements:
- You must not have any habits or physical conditions that could impair your sense of smell. For example, you must not be a smoker or have any nasal/sinus condition.
- You must be willing to be completely honest in your evaluations of my breath. Please don’t respond to this post unless you’d be truthful in telling me your perception of my breath.
So basically, I’m asking for honesty and a good sense of smell. If you meet those requirements and you’re interested, please email me with a description of your location, so I can estimate how long I would have to travel to meet you. Telling me your neighborhood or major cross streets would suffice.

is this a fetish thing that i'm not getting?

talk the talk

2010-09-18T13:43:00.001-07:00

back in july i auditioned for a film being shot in the area. i walked into the air conditioned meeting room with unbrushed hair and no extra copy of my headshot and resume. when i introduced myself, the two producers and director were very nice as they sweetly and passive aggressively asked if i wasn't supposed to have been there the day before...which i found out later that yes, i'd misread the email. but they let me read a couple lines and gave me notes. and that was it.

long story short, i did not get cast.

but someone did. and that someone is a nyc actress and friend of my sister's.

last week she called my sister and wanted her to be her dialect coach because she was just shooting in the dark as far as the dialect went. well, my sister volunteered my name. she sent my bio to the actress to pass along to whoever was in charge of the film and made me sound somewhat professional by writing that i 'specialized in southern dialects.'

apparently it sounded legit because the producer contacted me and i drove an hour and half to the end of a very windy country road and by early evening found myself sitting in front of a film monitor, beside a rusty trailer, next to an electric barbed wire fence that enclosed a very loud bull. they gave me headphones and i listened to the dialogue as the scenes were shot. i felt very important. that first night, i was simply supposed to make sure there was nothing glaringly horrible. (there wasn't.)

between scenes, one of the producers sat beside me and asked how things were going. i said it all sounded okay, and then, very timidly, she asked if i'd auditioned for the film (because i looked familiar). i said yes and that i didn't really know how to bring it up and that i'm not really an actor anymore but if someone is making a film in the area with an actual budget, i love to just be involved, but then i felt like that gave away the fact that i didn't really know what i was doing as a 'dialect coach' and i just kept talking and talking and talking. i seriously couldn't stop. i feared i would be found out. but she just stared at me blankly and said, 'no, i think you were good, but just too young for the role.' hmmmmmmm. anyhoo...

as the evening progressed, i met various people on the crew, and inevitably, during the first words spoken, they would ask me a) if i could tell where they were from (confusing me with henry higgins), and b) how i go about teaching someone a dialect. so i made up my technique as the hours passed and the usual response was, 'that makes sense.' so i guess it made sense.

i went back last night and worked with the actress who first contacted my sister and we talked for a bit. before i'd arrived, the director told her to reign in her dialect because it was too extreme, and while watching the scene one of the producers sat beside me and said she sounded way too strong, but really, it wasn't anything. it sounded like she was from the area, but by no means was it too strong. i tried to explain that 'too strong' would not be understood by the yankee filmmakers. but i talked to the actress during the dinner break and we tried to find a balance of the regional sound without going too strong or slipping back into her northern speech patterns. again, maybe i made everything worse. one cannot say.

i head back on wednesday to work with an actor when he gets in. the producers asked someone to read all his lines so he could copy the dialect precisely. they sent me the voice samples, and this seems like it will be a lot of fun. i like it, but at the same time, kind of feel like i'm making it all up...which i am. but not really. my part in all this is so after-the-fact that there really isn't anything i can do. but it's still interesting and a credit on my resume.

and it is a lot of fun. this is the kind of thing i've done my whole life, but i've just always considered it either mimicry or being an asshole. and actually, i really do have to study regional dialects for the job i'm not legally allowed to talk about, so i suppose i've picked up more than i thought i knew.

maybe there's actually something there.

maybe this is the beginning of a brand new career.

walk the walk

2010-09-18T11:57:00.001-07:00

a few days ago i received an email from my agent. he'd submitted my headshot for a national commercial for curves and they wanted to see me at their open call because i fit the bill:

These women should be warm, open, happy, busy, giving people who are beautiful both inside and out. They have a smile and personality that makes us want to grab a coffee with her...

These females will need to have some rhythm, as this spot has dancing. =)

i pictured an audition comparable to 'a chorus line.' or maybe a group of women in a big room doing jazzercise steps and slow-motion high-five's. i pictured tight-assed suits sitting at a card table watching all the "warm, open, happy, busy, giving" women doin their thing.

i woke up early - very early - 5:45. you see, my agent, and every audition he gets me, is in nashville, which is about three hours away. but it's a hub down here, and last january when i got some crazy idea that i wanted to be an actor again, i went and auditioned and got an agent - so now, every once in a while, i get to drive hours for a chance at the big time (big time not included).

i headed out, tired as all hell, drinking coffee and not at all feeling like the "warm, open, happy, busy, giving" person i was supposed to be.

when i arrived at the best western and walked into the lobby, three women in black yoga pants with long, combed hair strolled out, so i knew i was in the right place. it was then that the first moment of 'i'm a dork' sunk into my stomach. the notice said to wear workout clothes, so i wore shorts and a t-shirt because that's what i wear every morning to ~~death~~ boot camp. but when i saw the other women, i knew i should have at least attempted to look cool. (it's that horrible feeling we've all had - when you leave your house you feel really good about what you're wearing, but then after three hours in the car, no sleep, and a moment of clarity in the lobby of a best western, you realize that your legs are not tone nor tan and the red dots from either mosquitoes or razor burn can be seen by all.)

a young gangly guy gave me a form to fill out and for a moment i was the only one there. then a middle aged woman came in who seemed more my speed. she had real workout clothes on and her hair in a cap and messy ponytail. but then she took off her sunglasses and i saw that she had a black eye, and the only explanation was that she got it 'on vacation' (?).

and then the actress came in. (one of the most painful things in life is actors at an audition). she had on more jewelry than i've ever worn in my life, with her long hair flowing, and showed way too much excitement for filling out forms.

we were then told to gather our things and when i stood up, black-eye asked, 'so, you like zumba?' i stared blankly. 'do you zumba?' she said again. i looked down at my clothes to see what my style might indicate (nothin). 'i don't think so,' i said meekly. on our way across the parking lot, she said that it was why she was there - for the new zumba ad (still no idea).

the three of us walked into the room where a young director and a camera guy sat behind a table and looked through headshots.

'hi ladies,' the director said. we put our bags down and she went up to black-eye and asked how the surgeries were going (not sure if the surgeries happened on this violent vacation or after). and then we were told to stand in a diagonal and say our name, agent, age, and something interesting about ourselves (i.hate.this.crap.). 'carol, let's start with you.' i looked at the other women and turned back to the director. 'me?' i said. 'yes, carol go ahead.' 'i'm laura.' 'oh, sorry. for some reason i want to call you carol.'

after slating, the director asked us to turn to the right, and then turn again to face the back wall, which, quite expectantly, confused the living crap out of me. i did a 360 and turned completely around and then realized the actress and black-eye were correctly facing the back wall, so i quickly turned and i'm soooo sure no one noticed. once we got all the way around, the director asked if we all knew what zumba was. the actress and black-eye chimed in that they loved it and of course knew what it was. 'i've heard of it,' i said, referencing my conversation with black-eye moments before. the director explained that zumba was 'like traditional workouts, like jumping jacks and toe touches, but with a latin influence. yeah?' 'sure,' i said. 'great, i'm gonna play this music for 45 seconds and let's see what you got.' (what i heard was, 'when you hear music, please go bat-shit crazy.')

the actress and black-eye started with jumping jacks and seemed to know what was going on, so i started with jumping jacks too... and then something happened. i became completely unaware of time and space (and purpose of being there). maybe my brain took a nap. i'm not sure. but for some reason, i chose this moment in my life - this arbitrary moment at an audition for a curves commercial in a best western in nashville, tn - to absolutely go for broke. i danced, moved, jumped, spun, might have done the charleston, and kicked more than would ever be necessary.

then the music stopped.

the director went to the camera guy, 'did we get carol - i mean, laura?' she turned to me, 'you went a bit outside the frame...well, more than a bit. i tried to gesture to you to move back, but you were in your own world.' i didn't really have a response to this. they quieted and watched the footage, 'hmmmm, no that works. great. thanks ladies. we'll let you know by thursday.' (i do not expect to hear from them.)

and that was it.

all in all, about twelve minutes of my life and hours of driving down the proverbial tube.

so, i turned around and headed home.

contact me please!!!

2010-09-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

i've always naively believed that one had to pursue a job - search for openings, contact employers for potential positions, and just keep pounding the pavement, as it were. turns out, it's much simpler...

I NEED A MODELING JOB!!!
I NEED A MODELING JOB ASAP!!
ONE THAT PAYS GOOD, ONE THATS IN XXXXXX.

CONTACT ME PLEASE!!!

Compensation: $80 an hour or higher

i'm rewriting my cover letter.

FUN!

2010-09-10T09:07:00.001-07:00

below is a list of some charming craigslist ad titles i've come across:

unearthy woman
Ever wanted to be an astronaut?
FUN! Part Time. "work"
Guitarist's Wet Dream
British Mary Poppins Nanny Needed!
Eye Blinking Response to Noises/Thought Inhibition
Online Forensic Psychology Research Participants Needed, Money Prizes
Are you afraid of snakes?
Farmyard Animal Keeper
Morpheus?
Are you a lady with Class and Moxie?
"DID YOU SAY PAN OR PAM?" Entry Level Sales & Marketing
FACES WITH TATTOOS
Bird Sitter Wanted - Your Home
Chuck Norris Doesn't Save the Environment...
Must Love Dogs!! [for gayle]

good times.

school marm day 2

2010-09-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

I cried last night.

I looked over the pages in the teacher's manual and tried to figure out how to break down the day and teach the kids about writing and grammar and be interesting and teach enough that would be an entire week's worth of work and give homework and know what i was talking about. but really, i have no idea.

teaching terrifies me. and last week and even leading up to today, i still road the magic coattails of this 'anne of green gables' idea. i loved telling people i taught in a one-room schoolhouse across the street from the amish. it seemed so strange and new and odd and old-fashioned that i never really acknowledged the reality of it...until last night. (the reality that i will never be miss stacey. i will never be anne. i am at best catherine brook, and really, i don't even know if i can live up to being 'an old gooseberry.')

i sat on my bed and cried. i stared at these books and pages and realized that i have no idea how to teach. i mean, really, i am rarely grammatically correct (the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding is this blog). i cried and wondered how i agreed to spend seven hours every thursday teaching and who knows how many hours through the week preparing for class. i still don't know how to put together a lesson plan, for pete's sake. and all this for very little (if any) money. i love this family so when i think about the lack of money, the ol' catholic poverty vow screeches from my insides that i should never turn down helping others. it's good, giving work. and i'm just a modern-day selfish scrooge mcduck who's after one thing - money. so how could i live with myself if i told this family that i couldn't do it?

so this morning, driving through the smaller and smaller towns, passing grain fields and silos, in my half consciousness, i wished to run off the road. i wished for a deer to dart out and careen into my car. i wished for an oncoming truck to cause me to fly into a ditch. i didn't mean to wish for great harm to myself or anyone else, i simply wished for a good excuse not to have to go through with today.

but luckily, my wishes weren't granted.

i pulled into the driveway and was once again greeted by randolph, the goose. i got out my books and purse and J came out of the house and told me i could go on into the schoolhouse. so i wrote words on the board: originality, active voice, etc. who knows. i got caught up in the way the chalk felt in my hand and i really wanted to stave off the beginning of class.

but class began and J, R, and K came in. it's funny to start a class with people i know. it seems so casual and we joke around and then finally, i'm the one in charge (yeah, me...crazy) and they sit at their desks and i ask how their homework went. they had to write an essay about a time when they learned from a mistake - or something like that. not sure. and as i talked to J and R about their essays, i asked K to read her book ('the lion, the witch and the wardrobe') and write down any sentence that she loved - any word that caught her eye. seriously, i have no idea what i'm doing, but last time she colored for the first hour of class.

J and R read their essays. R's was about being late to a fiddle contest and J wrote about plowing corn with his father (you get the picture). i asked them to pick out three sentences that showed off their own voice - three sentences that they were most proud of because of the language they used, the imagery, but that still sounded like them. and then i asked them to pick out three sentences that anyone could write - sentences that weren't particular and didn't have any interesting element. and i asked them to take the plain sentences and rewrite them to such a crazy, extreme over-dramatic version of it, it would be ridiculous. and they did. they wrote hilarious sentences. seriously, hilarious. and from those, i asked them to pick out a phrase, an image, a word that they could keep that would make the plain sentence a little more their own.

and then we had to go into the boring subject of colons and semi-colons and ellipses and parentheticals and shit that i really don't know about (again, point made clear by this very website).

while J and R did some exercises, i worked with K on the sentences she picked out. she's so smart and creative and goofy, but terrified of making a mistake. absolutely terrified. and when i sit beside her and she has to pause before she spells something, i can see her shake. i can see the tears almost spring to her eyes. but then she gets it. so, today, i introduced her to a new best friend - a dictionary. i told her to never be intimidated by a word she wanted to use, because her imagination simply ran a bit faster than her spelling - and pretty soon it would all come together.

of course, i have a great difficulty actually putting thoughts into words, especially when i'm teaching or relaying information, so what the kids probably heard all day was, 'you know, um, like when you write - um, cause, you know?'

[and at some point in class, R asked if i had ever seen the film 'high noon.' i replied that of course i'd seen the film because i love gary cooper and they all three stared at me in disbelief and R asked, 'you know who gary cooper is?' she's 13. it was a very strange backwards moment.]

but i think today was a good day. maybe. my stomach doesn't feel as horrible as it did with my anxiety last night and i felt a bit more in control.

let's see how the next week goes.

,pretty smart

2010-09-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

i mean, it's not like i'm proud of everything on my resume either, but that's usually not what i lead with...

thats the only thing!

I can work up to 16 a day most honest person reliable ,pretty smart its I just have a felony.

i think part of the problem may be, well, that the ad is where one might search for employment... not employees. other than that, it's catchy, honest, and hints at a little intrigue.

just rude

2010-09-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

passive...and aggressive?

why
post jobs, if you dont intend on writing back.

its just rude.

norma rae and karen silkwood would be proud of your fight, young man. proud.

school marm day 1

2010-09-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

i met with V, the mother of the kids, last week at a mcdonald's across from a technical college. she gave me the teacher manuals and we discussed how to best work with each child. then this past week i proceeded to go apeshit crazy trying to prepare for class.

i headed out at 8 this morning. i got turned around because i couldn't find the actual back road, but i still arrived fifteen minutes early. no one was around except for a goose in the driveway hovering around my car. i knocked on the door and K answered - she and her sister were still getting dressed. she told me i could go to the schoolhouse where V was, so i headed over (about twenty feet) and balanced on the planks above the mud, passed a bucket of dried, rotten apples with tons - tons - of butterflies flying over and landing on, and opened the wobbly door.

V was straightening up the room (this is a one room schoolhouse). i helped her, folded up the fabric and patterns that were about, and got my stuff together.

they have three school desks that face a small chalkboard on the wall between two huge portraits of washington and lincoln. the room is a pretty big size, but feels smaller because everything is packed in - a piano, three bookshelves, a church pew (where i sat to teach), a standup bass on it side (borrowed from a friend), maps of the us, a globe, a manual pencil sharpener that doesn't work so they had to bring in the other manual pencil sharpener from the house, books and books and books and extra chairs, and a radio with quiet classical music playing.

after getting some things put away and other things merely moved, it was time to start. it was just plain overwhelming and anxiety making and terrifying - maybe because V wanted to sit in and watch. but i love the kids so i tried my best to tell them about writing and english and all the rules and telling a story and finding your own voice. and hopefully i didn't sound crazy. and then we got down to work.

i started with the older two, R and J, and we reviewed capitalization and punctuation. this is where i feel like maybe i shouldn't be a teacher because when i looked over everything last night i thought that it was really dumb that they even have a chapter like this because, really, ain't it obvious, but then i remember that i'm not 12. so i read from the book and tried to use examples i thought of, but then read some more and just felt like i had no idea what i was talking about even though i did, but i didn't want to accidentally give them little hints that were completely wrong. but V was in the room when i had to remind the kids to always capitalize the Lord. )we talked about god at the mcdonald's and i've always known the family was religious and i'm fine with that and i'm fine with teaching them however the parents feel they should be taught as long as they are learning the grammatical rules and whatnot. and i grew up catholic and will always be catholic for the most part (it's my default religion), and i'm fine with christianity, but i have a lot of trouble saying things like 'god' and 'lord' and 'jesus' and making them sound like i'm not being ironic. but i think i did okay.)

after reviewing caps, i gave them some questions to go through. they went to work and i reviewed more of the book and K sat at her desk and drew a flower in her notebook. she's 9 and usually just soaks in what's going on with her brother and sister and then gets one on one time. i thought i had an hour and a half to get it all done, but then V kept coming in to tell me we had more time, so it turned out i had two and a half hours so i just kept babbling and trying to give them work and not ruin their brains. i realized that i need to parse out the day a bit better - give R and J some review exercises while i work with K and then go back to R and J. who knows. i don't know how the other marms do it.

and then they gave me lunch.

i told V about the crazy ass job thing going on and said i would try to figure something out, and i really hope i can. hopefully i'll be able to still get up there on a weekly basis and accomplish something with them.

post script: last week when i met with V she told me that she didn't know how much they could pay, if anything. i know they're poor. they live on a self-sustaining farm afterall, but this is such a rare and interesting opportunity and i love these kids, that i thought it would be worth it. and when i got in my car, folded up on my dash, was twenty dollars.

odd jobs 101

2010-09-01T13:58:00.001-07:00

so today i woke up and attended 'boot camp.' it's a fun (not really) way to work out early early in the morning and i completely regret it until the end of the hour.

i got home and realized i had to watch two more films for the local film festival, of which i am a judge - somehow this shit happens to me.

but today is a day when i babysit for my friends and their beautiful little newborn. she's really perfect and i just sit on their sofa and hold her when she sleeps so they can work on their laptops and i watch television, or the television is on, and today i had the hardest time staying awake.

and now i'm trying to get stuff together to be a school marm tomorrow. i've procrastinated to the bitter end, which is hilarious, and now i have to figure out how to make copies before i head to their place at 830 in the a. m.

-but i just typed and printed work from the workbook...yes, i did. i typed it because they only have a workbook for the teacher (that's me) and not the one for the students - hence typing and copies. but i'm excited and terrified because i also have to tell them of the potential crazy that's going on with maybe a new job or maybe a new blip in the history of my life. who knows. but i want to tell them and have the tension start as soon as possible.

but to add to all the fun, a director i worked with in march on the alligator picture show called me last night and asked if i could go out to the owner of the alligator's trailer and record him saying a line that was messed up in the original audio - which means that i will have to scrub down afterwards because the place makes me feel crazy creepy crawly...but not because of the alligator. it might be the dust or the cats or the porn. one can't say.

and my brain is about to explode.

more crazy

2010-08-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

i interviewed today for the marketing coordinator position. it actually sounds pretty exciting. but when i handed over my resume i almost expected him to point to the door because they don't want crazy people working there.

but he didn't.

it terrifies me to go this far outside my 'dream,' but then again, who knows where the hell it could lead...

and it's not even like the job's been offered to me, so i'm just sitting here stressing or dreaming or thinking that a regular work week would be strange to have again...

but this is how it all began: he went into a wine shop where i had sent in my resume to work part time and he and the owner were talking and the owner said of all the people who had applied (70), i really stood out (even though i didn't even get called for an interview). and since then, "many" people have gone in to say that he should have hired me because I'm "amazing."

yeah...who knows...

but i guess it isn't any crazier than being offered the position of a school marm at a funeral.

classy and honest

2010-08-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

one man's dream job is another man's prison...

looking for a wife without the marriage [aren't we all?]
I am a business owner on the north side of XXX and am looking for a personal assistant to make my life easier [who doesn't want a personal assistant?]. Your tasks will include grocery shopping, going to the dry cleaners, cooking once in a while, massage once in a while [define 'massage'], light cleaning - in return you will be paid hourly and also have the opportunity to go to nice restaurants ['when i allow you to leave the house'] and be taken care of ['by me...in a little room...where i shall ask you to wear this dress. this red dress. marjorie loved red...you look like marjorie.'] - I am a classy and honest person [clearly] and expect the same ['don't you dare lie to me'] - I am looking for someone professional in appearance so I would appreciate a professional photo [taken professionally in front of wallpaper trees and a plastic stump] - this is a dream job in my opinion! [he's right. i can't think of anything better...well, maybe as jame gumb's sewing assistant.]

Compensation: WILL ADVISE [creepy] AT TIME OF INTERVIEW

now i shall sit and wait for this to (surprisingly) go awry and end up on the national news.

random

2010-08-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

i got a call yesterday from a man who said he 'heard my name around town' and wanted to talk to me about a marketing coordinator position in his company.

crazy.

side note: i had to research what a 'marketing coordinator' does on wikipedia.

hit me with picks

2010-08-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

i actually clicked on this ad because i wanted to know what a 'striper' was.

stripers
i run a escort service looking for new talent hit me with picks money is great

local celebrity

2010-08-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

as you may or may not know, i am a theatre critic for a local weekly magazine. i love this gig, but am well aware of my (very) small contribution to the arts scene here in town.

so you can imagine my complete confusion when i checked my email this morning and read this:

We have our final...auditions this Saturday at 2pm on the Blue Ribbon Stage at the XXX State Fair and I was wondering if you would be available to be a judge??? Please say YES! J
Sorry for the last minute notice, one of our judges from last year who we’d invited back had to pull out and we need a new celebrity (XXX Theatre Critic/Queen) to fill in.

obviously, i cannot pass this up. at all. this is the kind of shit i live for.

(and yes i see that i am a last-minute replacement and who knows how many people turned them down before they lowered their standards and got to me. but hey.)

i've always wanted to be a 'celebrity judge' in any capacity. and to be one at the state fair, and on the blue ribbon stage no less, makes reality even better than the dream.

genius.

on a related note...if they read my bio out loud (yes, i had to turn in a bio) and i have to stand up and wave after the said bio, i will feel like a full fledged douche.

cat excrement and/or rat droppings

2010-08-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

i like harry potter as much as the next guy, but...

"CALLING ALL WIZARDS!!!"

Greetings fellow wizards!

I am currently looking for a slew of wizards to assist me in my daily activities. Duties include, but are not limited to: quidditch, creating new potions and ethers, cleaning up owl droppings, cat excrement, and/or rat droppings. NO SLYTHERIN STUDENTS ALLOWED. SNAPE SUCKS! No first year students please, students of GRYFFINDOR preferred and are encouraged to apply. Must have own broomstick, and a sufficient wand. Please help me combat "HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED".
Compensation: 7.25-9.00/HR depending on experience. Salary positions available!

a few questions:

1. ummmm...wtf?

2. how old is the person who wrote this ad?

3. is there an actual job involved?

4. did the word 'pedophilia' leap into anyone else's brain?

5. i'm only a hufflepuff, so does that mean i don't even have a chance?

6. how do i know this wasn't written by volde - 'he who shall not be named' just to lure us in?

7. will harry potter be there?

8. if i'm an excelled first year, can i still apply?

9. how can it possibly pay anything?

10. uh...still...wtf?

so, i wrote an inquiring email to the posting:

Hi,

I saw your ad on Craigslist and I am the wizard you are looking for!!! I'm a Hufflepuff, but still great friends with Gryffindors and I definitely want to combat "He Who Shall Not Be Named."

This sounds like the opportunity I've been waiting for and I can't wait to learn more!

What do I need to do?

Thanks,
laura latchkey copernicus

here's hoping i hear back.

explain how to play

2010-08-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

the subliminal saving of your soul...

Lazer Force Lazer Tag Zone
Part time job offered... Job duties include
set up for lazer tag at beginning of day [sounds simple enough]
speaking in front of groups to explain how to play [this gives me anxiety at times, but i'll give it a shot]
monitoring lazer tag games [sure]
redemption [no problem]
stocking [my arm strength isn't - wait, did they say 'redemption'?]
clean up [still trying to figure out the redemption thing]

lug and tote

2010-08-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

two things that make me nervous in life 1. when people call me by my name at unnecessary times. for instance, if i ask someone if they like their ice cream and they respond, 'yes, laura, i do.' i'm immediately taken aback and my stomach starts shaking. and 2. the first day of work because inevitably my impending duties, no matter how simple, completely overwhelm me.

(side note: i did not change one thing about this notice. no, not even the punctuation.)

Identify, Dismantle and Stock New and Used VW Parts
You will be dismantling, identifying, warehousing, stocking ,,labeling, putting into inventory, and stocking VW parts.

We have a warehouse full of VW parts accumulated over the last 30 some years. You have to help us stock and sell them. A day job . . . some flexibility in hours . . . must lug and tote . . .climb ladders . . .lift and carry 75# parts . . .most are not 75#. . . most are small . . . most parts are new but many are used. You may get dirty . . . a hands on job . . . . . . you must be fast on a computer . . . and you must be mechanically inclined . . .if you cannot figure out the left from the right and the front from the back caliper of a VW ,... sorry, save us both the pain . . .don't think I expect you to know everything but I expect you to know car parts. We don't expect you to be a mechanic.

the pauses are because the large, brute of a man must scream out the duties over all the machine noise as the fellow warehouse workers on break look up from their oily cheese sandwiches and stare blankly at the new girl whose sweaty palms clutch a notebook and pen.

you don't have to be nude

2010-08-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

freshman year of college, innocently sitting in my dormitory, i got a phone call from a 'gentleman' who didn't ask my name, but upon picking up the phone asked for my shoe size. i told him (at the time i thought i wore a 9, but it turns out i wear a 71/2 or an 8 - long story). he then asked the size of my ankles and the height of my arches. i gestured to my roommate and we attempted to contain our laughter, especially when he asked me to find a hard surface to step on so i could tell him if i could fit a marble under my arch while standing. and then we hung up in uproarious laughter...i swear to everything holy i had no idea the caller on the other line was using this information for anything sexual.

but since i've had some experience in the area, this ad caught my eye:

Pretty Girls Needed For Thursday Foot Fetish Event ($300 - $400 avg)
We are looking for very attractive girls with pretty feet [are corns pretty?] to get paid $300 - $400 per night to have their feet massaged [who doesn't love a good foot massage?] and kissed [wait...] at our weekly foot fetish events including one coming up this Thursday (August 19th) at 7pm! The work is very fun [i like fun - check], easy [i hate anything challenging - check], you don't have to be nude [i love wearing clothes at a fetish party where i'm the fetish - check check check] and it is 100% legal [wait. i wasn't even wondering, but now that you've brought it up...]. If you are interested in joining our team and being a part of this Thursday's event in an upscale nightclub- please send an email with all three of the following:
1. Your name
2. Your photo [of my feet?]
3. Your phone number
MUST BE 21 AND OLDER TO APPLY!!!
We look forward to speaking with you soon,
Georgiana

hmm...so, i'm off to buy marbles.

easy as pie

2010-08-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

One day, cash, easy,
just help me count and ag 100 pieces of inventory, easy as pie, takes abut 3 hours. 20 bucks. Thanks!

a. is the reason it's so easy because they already know how much inventory needs to be counted?

b. why does it take 3 hours to count to 100?

c. is 'ag' a verb?

bush hoggin

2010-08-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

i love people who don't beat around the bush.

I need someone to come bush hog and weed eat for 8 hours tomorrow (August 12) from 8am-4pm. I can rent a walk-behind bush hog, and I have the weed eater. I live in XXXXX. This job pays $100. Please call if interested: XXX XXX XXXX

la france est absolument incroyable

2010-08-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

j'ai eu l'occasion d'aller en france en raison de la bonté de mon meilleur ami et de pitié. Il a été incroyable et belle et jolie et radicale. je suis très reconnaissant d'avoir cette vie.

schoolmarm

2010-07-29T06:35:00.000-07:00

i have been asked to teach in a one-room schoolhouse.

seriously.

we have family friends who home school their three children on their farm...their extremely old-fashioned farm. they don't have a tractor, they have a mule and a thingy pulled by the mule. they can food for the winter and make their own cheese and crazy shit like that. and behind their house, wooden planks hover above the mud and lead you to a really, really old one-room schoolhouse (wood-burning stove included).

someone already comes in to teach history once a week, and music, i think, and now they've asked me to be the english teacher...or writing...or something in that regard (clearly, i'm a master of the language).

and I’m insanely excited about it.

why, you may ask...well, i shall tell you.

for the majority of my youth and into my adulthood, i was obsessed (and 'obsessed' puts it mildly) with 'anne of green gables.' and so even though it's 2010 and i'll be wearing jeans and old clogs most days when i head up there, this is how i picture myself in my new found career...

word about whatever

2010-07-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

details are sooooooo tedious.

Accepting six to ten people for this..

I don't want to take up too much time so very briefly I am someone who works to introduce individuals to companies who want to spread the word about whatever they provide. You will be able to tryout all sorts of unique things. Perfect for anyone's schedule since it can be done whenever..

and anyone who wants specific information is an asshole.

just words on a page

2010-07-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

not that everyone has to be shakespeare, but...

Atv and more
i have been working on gocarts and dirtbikes for 5 years now i know just about what there is to know so if u need my work give me a call u wont be dissatisfied. My labor and charge goes as if its goimg to be a two day job then i just charge 25 a day and if its going to be just a two or three hour job the i charge 8 dollars an hour and i give u the price and what parts is needed before i start on it to let you know if your willing to go ahead with the process i give receipts and proof of everything being transacted and done dealing with labor and parts etc. so if you in need to get something going that is just sitting around give me a call at XXX-XXX-XXXX. serious inquires only.

actually, i feel extremely guilty for posting this, but it's just, you know, come on, man...come on...

hackintosh

2010-07-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

i have absolutely no idea.

loking for help with a deploying osx on a hp mini

seriously. wtf?

bad-asses and sexy girl friends

2010-07-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

wanna be in a movie?

we need some one with a bad-ass hayabusa [the suzuki hayabusa is a sport bike motorcycle] to show off there bike in a movie . [ .]

please if you have a Bad-ass busa [the busa language is a language isolate in northwestern papua new guinea] please send me pics with your contact info

you will get a copy of the film showing off your bad-ass busa
we need you to ride it off screen at the end of the movie with a smoking hot girl thats it !!!! [ !!!!] [smoking hot girl is it !!!!]

we will only pic[k] one hayabusa [hayabusa 隼 is japanese for peregrine falcon]

since my hayabusa is not 'Bad-ass,' i searched to see if they were casting for any other parts:

we need a few sexy females for extras in a film we are shooting . [ .]
these are non-paid parts and a couple parts have very small talking roles.
please contact me here and send a pic with your contact info . [ .]
these do not require a lot of acting , [ ,] [shock-ing]

the parts we are looking to fill are The Mob Bosses Girl friends [ie friends who are girls, not 'girlfriends'] and just sexy females walking around his office and night club. [you know, just bein cool. talkin. hanging out. bein sexy around the office and night club. maybe leaning over or somethin. no biggy.]

we need about 8-10 very sexy females . [ .] [i've never been so skeeved by the overuse of the word 'females.']

i need to stretch.

we shall overcome

2010-07-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

i headed out to the last (hopefully) of my mentor meetings and arrived (two hours) early so i wandered around downtown to pass the time in the godforsaken heat that is this summer.

as i waited for borders to open, i saw a protest going on down the street, so i hustled to find out what the haps was all about.

getting closer i heard the chant 'you've got yours we want ours' and saw signs proclaiming 'equal rights for adopted people' (i'm assuming it's because of the buses, water fountains, etc.).

it was like any other protest, except not. there were about 25 or so protesters...and no opposition. no counter-protest. no popo. just a group of people with posters, capri shorts, good walking shoes, and a bullhorn...wandering around across the street from the visitor's center downtown.

the woman with the bullhorn tried to hand it off to another woman, and because it was left on, everyone on fourth street got to hear that one woman has issues speaking in public and just can't - NO, she just couldn't do it - 'please, no, janeane, you know this is not something i feel...'

so then it fell into the hands of a very sarcastic young man in a tie-dyed shirt:

sarcastic guy: what do we want?
protesters: our birth certificates!
sarcastic guy: and when would we like to have them?
protesters: now! (the passive aggressive in the crowd shouted 'soon!')
sarcastic guy: is this asking for anything special?
protesters: no!
sarcastic guy: you mean all we want are our basic rights?
protesters: yes!
sarcastic guy: that's too much to ask for, don't you think?
protesters: ...confused shouting...

the main woman took the bullhorn back and tried her hand at it again.

woman: what do we want?
protesters: our identity!
woman: when do we want it?
protesters: now!
woman: why do we want it?
protesters: ...confused shouting...

so, there were a few hiccups with the call and response, but the t-shirt of a young woman summed it all up:

i'm adopted and i vote in NJ.

point made.

(no, this did not occur in new jersey.)

geeks just wanna puke on you

2010-07-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

we all have triggers. sometimes it's traffic or maybe it's a restaurant getting your order wrong. (or, if you're like my college roommate, it's the words 'lotion, tissue, and bikini' and anyone who ends a sentence with a preposition.)

and sometimes it's a craigslist ad. (i believe it speaks for itself.)

Media Developer- Graphic/Print/Video Designer SIKE SIKE SIKE (LAND OF GET REAL!!!!!!)
Below is just what makes me sick about companies not paying talented people what they are worth... $15.00 dollars an hour? ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY!!!! are you purposely trying to take advantage of the recession and all the people that are outta work right now....

THIS IS A JOKE PEOPLE... YOUR AD I WISH I COULD FIND OUT WHO IT WAS FOR... BECAUSE IT MAKES HONEST HARD WORKING NERDS and GEEKS JUST WANNA PUKE ON YOU.....

THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND I AM OUTRAGED!!!!

DANK gonna have to slap somebody!!!!!!!

O and now your ready to hire someone... please reply again.... YOUR A STRAIGHT LOSER!!!!!

KICK ROCKS!!!!!!

with all that skill you should be able to call your own pay for hours.... dont be fooled your worth more than that...

this rant is then proceeded by the original ad, which seems so sweet and meek compared to the attack...

Media Developer- Graphic/Print/Video Designer

...We're a small, rapidly-growing company looking for a "jack of all trades" to help with our media needs. This individual should be able to perform a wide range of tasks throughout the course of a 3 month contract period with the potential for extensions or a full-time position...

The *preferred* candidate would have a 4-year bachelors in a Graphic Artist / Video Production Specialist career field OR Minimum 4-years of combined experience (portfolio would be required along with any examples of work completed)...

The pay is $15/hr starting ($33k/year) with raises possible, especially for excellent work and/or if the position is extended or made permanent (at which time health benefits, etc would commence).

We have a cool, loft-style atmosphere with a laid-back, fun staff...

Thank you.

yes, i agree with the 'HONEST HARD WORKING NERDS and GEEKS' that this is a pretty tall order for 15 bucks an hour, but it's probably worth it since it's 'a cool, loft-style atmosphere with a laid-back, fun staff.'

but, then again, 'DANK' really is gonna have to slap somebody, so...

p.s. KICK ROCKS!!!!!!

my body, my choice

2010-07-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

looking for the young and the old, the naive and the wise, the movers and the shakers...

Bikini Bike Washers
Our local dealership is looking for four girls to be bikini bike washers...who are excited to be part of an event...[that] has an average of 350 people and 250 motorcycles in attendance...You will be working for tips...If you're interested, come by yourself or bring your group of girls!
pantyhose model wanted
uninhibited and open-minded female sought by amateur photographer to model pantyhose. no nudity although poses would be considered erotic and adult. no publication although you will recive a digital set of the photos to do with as you wish. pay is $100.00 for 1-2 hours. if interested please reply with photo(s). not looking for professional models.

Looking for upscale ladies
Join Our Winning Team of Exotic Dancers!...We are looking for attractive, well groomed, experienced dancers...However, we are willing to train eager ladies...We provide a safe, clean, & friendly work environment...conveniently located near the XX airport. Along with the lowest house fee’s in the state...[o]ur contemporary upscale gentlemen's club offers table side dances, VIP Lounge, private shows and commissioned drinks!...[W]e strive to treat our entertainers as stars!

Looking For Dancers
We are a collective of women that teach Tantra and empower women thru the expression of thier bodies. We are looking for Burlesque and dancers of all kinds for private shows.

...haven't decided which one is best for me...

that's the way it was

2010-07-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

while a chauffeur, i had the luxury of listening to satellite radio (when the bag lady wasn't in the car). and even though i had every type of music at my fingertips, i spent a lot of time on the 50s station.

i love - love love love - bubblegum pop.

now, i understand that it was a different time. i know that most songs were about being the perfect girl to get the perfect boy and all that. but then there are songs that even in the context of the 1950s seem completely apeshit crazy.

like lesley gore's hit 'that's the way boys are.'

i had never heard it before and sang along heartily, and then i paid attention to the lyrics. and i froze. froze behind the wheel. jaw agape. shocked. i mean...wtf?

When I'm with my guy and he watches all the pretty girls go by...
Well I feel so hurt deep inside, I wish that I could die!
Not a word do I say...
I just look the other way!
'Cause that's the way boys are!
That's the way boys are!

When he treats me rough and he acts as though he doesn't really care...
Well, I never tell him that he is so unfair!
Plus, he loves me and I know it...
But he's just afraid to show it!
'Cause that's the way boys are!
That's the way boys are!

Oh, when he wants to be alone...
I just let him be!
'Cause I know that soon enough...
He will come back to me!

When we have a fight,
I think that I won't see him anymore!
Then before I know it - there he is...
Standin' at my door!
Well I let him kiss me then...
'Cause I know he wants me back again!
That's the way boys are!
Yes, that's the way boys are!

Oh, I love him!
Well now, that's the way boys are!
I said that's the way boys are!

thank god for the second wave. seriously, thank god.

(just found out lesley gore is a lesbian. interesting.)