what do you mean

i really like my boss. she's kind and understanding that we're all human beings and she's extremely smart, quick and organized, but for some reason there's this communication issue between us. when i started, i thought it was because i was getting used to the accounting lingo again, but i don't think it's that. i actually think she doesn't understand most of what i say.

for example:

with all the year end paperwork coming to a close, it's time to make sure all the files are moved and we're fully prepped for the upcoming year. my plan was to get it all finished and organized today, so yesterday, as my boss and i were leaving, and i knew she was coming in late this morning, i asked her if i could go into her office while she was away and change out last year's financial statement folders and put in this year's empty file folders.

she looked at me and said, 'last year's folders?'

me: yes, we talked about it a month ago - the file cabinet in your office -
boss: right...
me: i made the labels and have the folders ready for this year's financial statements.
boss: okay...
me: so i was wondering if, tomorrow morning, when you're out, is it okay if i go into your office and swap out last year's folders -
boss: swap them?
me: put this year's folders in your file drawer and take out last year's -

and then the elevator doors opened and i stepped out.

boss: i'm not sure what you mean - just ask me tomorrow.

for the life of me i don't know why offices get a bad reputation for boredom and frustration.

but i haven't asked her about the folders today.

i also made a joke earlier and the receptionist said i should be in 'show business.'

not sure

if this is as funny as it seemed, but on monday, when my sister got in, after we cried together and were fixing dinner, this was an exchange between us:

(note to reader: these characters look nothing like us)

loss

it's been a really heartbreaking, incomprehensible week. we lost my aunt unexpectedly and it's still difficult to process.

there's been a lot of crying. a lot of conversations with distant relatives. many conversations with close relatives. standing. struggling. zoning out. tons of eating. not much sleeping. lots and lots of drinking. and so much laughing.

time wisely

this is how i spent some of my time yesterday in the office:

blank stare

for some reason the receptionist laughs really loudly at really horrible office humor. or at things that aren't even supposed to be humorous (yesterday, she laughed uproariously because a piece of mail was returned).

what is quite odd is that she doesn't seem especially jolly or good for a laugh or someone who laughs easily. she actually seems like quite the opposite and the extremes in her laughter seem more like an act she's putting on in an attempt to seem jolly and good for a laugh and someone who laughs easily. but this goes with my sense that she puts on a fake southern accent as well.

oh, the fun of working in an office. this is the shit you'll think about.

i also, having very little to do at the moment, made a line graph showing the usage of three of our utility accounts and how they compare to last year's rain fall.

good morning!

i'm now in my second month of officially being an employee here at this full-time office job with a computer, and desk, and a quick view of the outside world (when i lean out my door).

i don't miss the frantic life of freelancing and filmmaking. i don't miss the standing in the rain and crying or laughing about something that soon will seem (and be) a non-issue. and i actually love the routine, setting everything up and having my space be my space - and not trying to make something that is not my space into my space (see: the disgusting floor of a used music/book shop where i had to set up camp in an attempt to balance a budget for a failing film). 

but today i'm tired. and maybe angry. or just tired.

and it's these moments, when i realize that the nice thing in working in ridiculously extreme situations is that i could cry and laugh and sit in the mud and get angry and frustrated and react to things and feel the way i felt - and i can't do that in a nice, clean beige office where niceties trump all. even bad days.

new and old

last january, i had a go-to-pieces. i cried for about two months straight and now i have the wherewithal to realize that i was in mourning. i was letting go of my ambition i'd had since i was about fifteen.

i left film. or it left me. i don't know, but it was kind of a bad breakup after a rocky last year. the last few projects i worked on, i felt used and abused with nothing to show for it. actually, the last three projects i worked on (two features and a documentary), are still not finished - and if they were, i probably wouldn't care enough to sit through them.

so my life changed a lot since then.

we bought a farm, which isn't a farm.

we got married.

and i started a real-life job where i leave my hobbit house every morning at the same time and sit in an office. i'm in accounting. at a nonprofit. i have an office, but no window. and i actually really like it. it's nice to have a steady paycheck for the first time in five years. it's nice to be proud of the work this company does (we're building a park system on the outskirts of town) and there hasn't been one moment when i've regretted this change...

until this moment. right now.

the office is quiet because everyone took their vacation time and has stayed home with their families. i don't have vacation time, but i don't have much to do as i sit through the calm before the storm, which is january in the accounting world. and so i've been spending a lot of time on facebook and comparing my life with every other human being who walks the earth. i've compared my life with friends, acquaintances, and total strangers and what i have learned is that i'm a barely functioning adult who sits at a desk and is bored and owns a house she doesn't live in that's full of mold and still can't always figure out what steps to take in life.

and instead of continuing the search for the many people who have more interesting and fulfilling lives than i, i decided to write on this humble blog whilst i fill the time up at my job...my real job.

i think the one thing that remained in all my struggles in working with film, is that i liked what it did for my ego. i liked being a film producer. i liked being the one on a film set who had the answers, who was included in the meetings, who was involved in the major decisions.

and i don't really have that anymore. i'm definitely back on a lower rung of the ladder i had passed a long while ago and i got really used to my hours being packed in with responsibilities and deadlines and fires to put out. i'm making a better income than i made from film, but i'm not allowed to leave when my work is done, i have to sit and wait for the clock to get to some arbitrary time so that i can then leave (see: right now). and now, i bring my lunch to work and i rarely have the opportunity now to eat in a smelly, mildewy tent, next to a space heater laughing with friends and wishing i'd worn long underwear to set that day.

and who knew that stress and pain and crying and chaos was such a great diet.

i thought working in an office with some structure in my life would open it up for other things, but now i don't seem to know how to have lunch with someone since i'm no longer free all the time when i'm not on a project. weekends seem way too precious with the farm and just not going to work. i bring my scripts to the office and attempt to work on them, but overhead lighting and paranoia of blatantly not doing my work isn't exactly the greatest thing to get the creative juices going.

so that's my life as i sit in a small room, and think about my life as the days slowly roll towards a new year.