what do you mean

i really like my boss. she's kind and understanding that we're all human beings and she's extremely smart, quick and organized, but for some reason there's this communication issue between us. when i started, i thought it was because i was getting used to the accounting lingo again, but i don't think it's that. i actually think she doesn't understand most of what i say.

for example:

with all the year end paperwork coming to a close, it's time to make sure all the files are moved and we're fully prepped for the upcoming year. my plan was to get it all finished and organized today, so yesterday, as my boss and i were leaving, and i knew she was coming in late this morning, i asked her if i could go into her office while she was away and change out last year's financial statement folders and put in this year's empty file folders.

she looked at me and said, 'last year's folders?'

me: yes, we talked about it a month ago - the file cabinet in your office -
boss: right...
me: i made the labels and have the folders ready for this year's financial statements.
boss: okay...
me: so i was wondering if, tomorrow morning, when you're out, is it okay if i go into your office and swap out last year's folders -
boss: swap them?
me: put this year's folders in your file drawer and take out last year's -

and then the elevator doors opened and i stepped out.

boss: i'm not sure what you mean - just ask me tomorrow.

for the life of me i don't know why offices get a bad reputation for boredom and frustration.

but i haven't asked her about the folders today.

i also made a joke earlier and the receptionist said i should be in 'show business.'

time wisely

this is how i spent some of my time yesterday in the office:

blank stare

for some reason the receptionist laughs really loudly at really horrible office humor. or at things that aren't even supposed to be humorous (yesterday, she laughed uproariously because a piece of mail was returned).

what is quite odd is that she doesn't seem especially jolly or good for a laugh or someone who laughs easily. she actually seems like quite the opposite and the extremes in her laughter seem more like an act she's putting on in an attempt to seem jolly and good for a laugh and someone who laughs easily. but this goes with my sense that she puts on a fake southern accent as well.

oh, the fun of working in an office. this is the shit you'll think about.

i also, having very little to do at the moment, made a line graph showing the usage of three of our utility accounts and how they compare to last year's rain fall.

good morning!

i'm now in my second month of officially being an employee here at this full-time office job with a computer, and desk, and a quick view of the outside world (when i lean out my door).

i don't miss the frantic life of freelancing and filmmaking. i don't miss the standing in the rain and crying or laughing about something that soon will seem (and be) a non-issue. and i actually love the routine, setting everything up and having my space be my space - and not trying to make something that is not my space into my space (see: the disgusting floor of a used music/book shop where i had to set up camp in an attempt to balance a budget for a failing film). 

but today i'm tired. and maybe angry. or just tired.

and it's these moments, when i realize that the nice thing in working in ridiculously extreme situations is that i could cry and laugh and sit in the mud and get angry and frustrated and react to things and feel the way i felt - and i can't do that in a nice, clean beige office where niceties trump all. even bad days.

new and old

last january, i had a go-to-pieces. i cried for about two months straight and now i have the wherewithal to realize that i was in mourning. i was letting go of my ambition i'd had since i was about fifteen.

i left film. or it left me. i don't know, but it was kind of a bad breakup after a rocky last year. the last few projects i worked on, i felt used and abused with nothing to show for it. actually, the last three projects i worked on (two features and a documentary), are still not finished - and if they were, i probably wouldn't care enough to sit through them.

so my life changed a lot since then.

we bought a farm, which isn't a farm.

we got married.

and i started a real-life job where i leave my hobbit house every morning at the same time and sit in an office. i'm in accounting. at a nonprofit. i have an office, but no window. and i actually really like it. it's nice to have a steady paycheck for the first time in five years. it's nice to be proud of the work this company does (we're building a park system on the outskirts of town) and there hasn't been one moment when i've regretted this change...

until this moment. right now.

the office is quiet because everyone took their vacation time and has stayed home with their families. i don't have vacation time, but i don't have much to do as i sit through the calm before the storm, which is january in the accounting world. and so i've been spending a lot of time on facebook and comparing my life with every other human being who walks the earth. i've compared my life with friends, acquaintances, and total strangers and what i have learned is that i'm a barely functioning adult who sits at a desk and is bored and owns a house she doesn't live in that's full of mold and still can't always figure out what steps to take in life.

and instead of continuing the search for the many people who have more interesting and fulfilling lives than i, i decided to write on this humble blog whilst i fill the time up at my job...my real job.

i think the one thing that remained in all my struggles in working with film, is that i liked what it did for my ego. i liked being a film producer. i liked being the one on a film set who had the answers, who was included in the meetings, who was involved in the major decisions.

and i don't really have that anymore. i'm definitely back on a lower rung of the ladder i had passed a long while ago and i got really used to my hours being packed in with responsibilities and deadlines and fires to put out. i'm making a better income than i made from film, but i'm not allowed to leave when my work is done, i have to sit and wait for the clock to get to some arbitrary time so that i can then leave (see: right now). and now, i bring my lunch to work and i rarely have the opportunity now to eat in a smelly, mildewy tent, next to a space heater laughing with friends and wishing i'd worn long underwear to set that day.

and who knew that stress and pain and crying and chaos was such a great diet.

i thought working in an office with some structure in my life would open it up for other things, but now i don't seem to know how to have lunch with someone since i'm no longer free all the time when i'm not on a project. weekends seem way too precious with the farm and just not going to work. i bring my scripts to the office and attempt to work on them, but overhead lighting and paranoia of blatantly not doing my work isn't exactly the greatest thing to get the creative juices going.

so that's my life as i sit in a small room, and think about my life as the days slowly roll towards a new year.

a house that is not a house

we bought the farm. cowboy and i.

it's only five acres, but it has rolling pastures (kind of) and a walking woods. and it's always cool and relaxing and in a few years, i'll be able to put my feet up on something inside my home and look out at the beautiful land around me and be happy.

at the moment, the house that sits on our lovely farm is old (but not the pretty kind of old) and ugly and has mold and a faulty foundation and smells like stale cigarettes and old kitchens.

my sister and best friend saw the place (at separate times) this weekend. they both live in new york. and they both loved it.

and seeing the farm made them both ask when we were going to have a baby...which is funny.

anyhoo...

so, with my new adulthood in check: land ownership, (almost) full-time permanent work, out of school, and (almost) married, i suppose now we will see what happens next.

collapse

i'm back from kansas.

aunt liz is home.

i've been frazzled and on the verge of tears since i got back home...and a little before. i have realized that i missed deadlines for school, and hilariously enough, i called school to catch up on things and one of the women in the office asked me what i was doing in kansas and - well - i completely broke down in tears, which i'm sure she loved and i kept babbling about how it wasn't sad or anything, but i just couldn't stop crying because of getting sick and being overwhelmed and all the rest of it...

so that was fun and i'm sure the respect for which they have of me is shooting skyward as i write.

and i just emailed a friend with what appeared to be a stream of consciousness that pretty much sums up the last few days: 
"i'm just really stressed. i still have this lecture to plan for school, but i can't actually care about it and whenever i think about running through it i picture everyone staring at me and thinking i'm an idiot or somehow shooting holes in my theory or something. and cowboy's business is crazy blowing up, which is amazing, but he's so stressed about juggling all this work and i can't help because of school work, so it feels like i just sit at home all day. and i got a call from my temp lady and she said that at my last interview they really liked me and i was 'clearly intelligent and could handle the job,' but because of my email address - my gdvd email address - which they asked for my personal email address in the job interview and then googled it and saw the youtube video of the show and said that if i still had that email address, then i was clearly still interested in film. so, i did not get that job."

other than that, i'm doing really well...

back and forth

on monday, i had my second interview to be the staff accountant at a technology company. the job sounds interesting and like i could actually get a lot out of it. i like the company and the people who interviewed me. and then i rushed from there to my last night taking pictures of dogs (utterly boring).

yesterday morning, right before my flight, i got an email back from a screenplay competition that my script, if i made some minor changes, would be a finalist. so my heart raced and i sat confused because i finally was ready to have a normal job and income and stop daydreaming about being a writer and all of that and cowboy just kept saying, "i knew it...this is awesome." and we both know that this will lead to my questioning everything i've chosen to do with my career once again.

but then i had to stop thinking about that because i had to catch a flight to spend the week with my wonderful great aunt liz.

firstly, i flew to charlotte and then sat on the tarmac for an hour while they "cleared up the emergency" at newark. when it cleared (whatever it was), we took off and my sister came in from manhattan and we had dinner at the tony romas in the airport. then my aunt liz arrived. we found her a wheelchair to take her around the airport and were dropped again at tony romas.

my sister ordered wine.

my aunt liz asked for soup. they only had baked potato soup, which my sister promised would be really good. aunt liz also ordered a vodka tonic. when the food arrived, my aunt liz said to my sister, "you're right. this is thick." and then for the rest of the day referred to it as "that craaaaazy soup."

we had bloody mary's on the flight and then mr. porter (our porter) picked us up in tulsa and drove us to kansas. he's a retired pharmacist with a personality to match and i had to fight to keep from passing out in the van.

we arrived late. and tired. and "a little high...but in a good way," as my aunt said.

we have separate rooms, but aunt liz asked me to stay with her last night since it was so late and it was a new place, and i agreed without much thought.

while i found an old steven spielberg film on television, she took her time in the ladies room and unpacked and an hour and a half later she finally laid down. she tossed and turned and i don't think either of us got more than four hours of sleep.

we're meeting some friends for a luncheon soon and then my task for the day is to find some vodka, but without asking for vodka "so people don't think ill of us." my aunt said it's better to ask for a place to buy wine and to find "those little things i like so much. laura - what are they?"

"werther's."

"that's right. laura...you know everything."

i just checked on her in her room and she asked me to open a window for her. i did and she said, "laura, is there nothing you can't do?"

worthy

i read the bios of the special guests of the theatre festival i'm going to with my great aunt. they are extremely intimidating and each has their broadway debut listed - either as an actor, writer, director, or designer.

this week could go either way, but as the optimistic narcissist, i predict the following shall occur:

i have a major meltdown that i'm not talented/passionate/dedicated enough as a writer and will never be more than a weekend writer who tries (and fails) to achieve anything with her work.

i cry.

i question everything in my life that has brought me to going back to a normal office job (and failing at that) and wonder if i shouldn't just try more as a writer.

i notice the ugly bedspread of the hotel room and feel it's a perfect description of my life's work.

i attempt to be casual around the special guests, while at the same time desperate for their approval.

i keep up drink for drink with my great aunt and become hysterically drunk and make a fool of myself.

i vomit publicly.

i burn bridges even before they're built.

i get nothing accomplished.

i embarrass my aunt liz and she regrets even making the trip.

inspiration

today, my time is spent uploading the photos i took at the dog/food truck/radio thing. at the event, taking photos and feeling like i knew what do to, i had the image of turning the pictures in and impressing the company so much that they hire me as their fulltime photographer and i find my new life's passion.

then i got home and looked at the photos and . . . i don't have to worry about that happening.

then last night i went out to support a friend of mine doing stand-up comedy and while watching the less humorous performers, i had the thought, "what if that's what i'm supposed to do with my life?" and then, as with roseanne and phyillis diller, i find success quickly because i'm such a natural.

i continued to perfect my stand-up routine to myself as i drink more and more bourbon.

after waking this morning, i do not think that's my life's ambition.

my plan for the day is to upload all these pictures (which is taking forever) and then head to the school library to print out the workbook for workshop. when i travel to kansas, i shall read whilst my great aunt rests/naps/sleeps.

maybe i'll find my life's passion in kansas . . .

it certainly is something...

the dog/picture/radio thing last night went okay. someone asked if i had a website showing my photography and i told them my being there was a complete fluke - it crossed my mind to be professional, but i really stopped caring what people thought of this company when they sent out information about the event with me as their main contact.

when i showed up, i saw a woman i used to work with at the radio stations. she helped set things up and we got a few moments to catch up.

-and then my sister called with a request.

my great aunt, a 92 year-old actress, travels every year to the william inge theatre festival. she worked with him a few times and this is something very special to her. she is old, though, and cannot fully be on her own, and was supposed to be accompanied by her home-health aid.

well, her home-health aid came down with a case of shingles (as often happens) and they thought of me.

- this was the information my sister told me as i stood in a parking lot, staring at food trucks and dogs, and the sounds of the radio cranked up on ginormous speakers and the interstate not fifty feet away.

i love my aunt, but it took me a bit to take it all in and finally decide that i would go.

here's the plan:

next tuesday, i fly up to newark to meet my great aunt liz, who will be driven there by her homosexual confidant bernie - who looks strikingly like george papadapolis - from connecticut. we will then fly together to oklahoma and take a car to somewhere in the wilds of kansas for this theatre festival.

i suspect the following will happen:
lots of drinking.

the last time i went up to connecticut to see her and my aunt mary, aunt liz informed me that she woke up every night at about two or three and in that time she did three things: she ate a few crackers, went to the "john," and drank a vodka tonic.

"do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, laura?"

"no . . . not usually."

"i do. almost every night. i'm not sure why - but something about that vodka tonic helps me go back to sleep . . . do you want one to keep by your bed just in case?"

"no - thank you, but i think i'll be okay."

nope

i had two interviews to work with a private park company here in town . . . and i just got a call that i didn't get the job.

sucks.

but, something usually pops up.

company contact

heading out to take pictures of dogs or dog food or something - i'm still not sure.

but i did get an email from the company that is hosting the event (or not) who put my name on all the paperwork as the "company contact."

annie leibovitz

i got a call from one of my temp agencies for a three day job next week. (this is through an accounting-specific temp agency.) she asked first if i was available on the required dates and, of course, if i liked dogs, which made my brain start to wonder what was going on.

then she told me about the "gig" - to take photos of a local dog food company's "day out" with customers and dog owners sampling their product.

and she ended the conversation with, "so . . . do you have a camera?"

---so many things about this confuse me:

1. what company contacts a temp agency - and an accounting-specific temp agency at that - for their photography needs?

2. did she see film on my resume and assume i know anything at all about photography? because i do not.

3. is this dog food very good?

ADDED: i just got an email from her. she said i could borrow her camera if i needed. so it looks like mama's got a photography gig next week.

what next

here's what i don't understand...what is wrong with me?

true, my career past looks like i'm either insane or on the run from the law, but i'm also well-educated and i think it kind of appears that i work hard. but then, most of my resume, or at least the only consistency in my resume, is my film work which no one knows how to place. i've explained to temp agencies that, in the film world, i usually do the accounting, but somehow that still means nothing to them.

but maybe the truth of it all is that i just suck.

in the past four months, i've sent my resume in, physically mailed in resumes and cover letters, filled out countless online databases with my information, gone to two temp agencies, and repeatedly expanded my chosen field of interest. nothing works. the only positions i've even gotten called in to interview for are commission-based insurance sales, of which i didn't even apply. i don't know if i'm over-qualified or under-qualified, too educated, or educated too much in useless subjects.

the only thing i do know is that it makes me feel like complete ass.

and like i'm an idiot.

but sunday, after watching 'to sir, with love' i decided that my true calling is to be a teacher. in the past two days, i've been lost in thought about myself changing people's lives, out of nowhere i quoted, "i'm in my prime," as close to maggie smith as i could, and i've wondered (sometimes accidentally aloud) which poems i'll use in class to best represent sonnets, haikus, etc.

i went online yesterday to apply and again, the thought crossed my mind that i'm over-educated to do absolutely nothing. it requires certification (fine), but then to get certified, i have to show teaching experience.

i graduate in about a month with a masters degree in creative writing. i have loved every moment of it, although i'm grateful to be on the verge of finishing. when i look back to four years ago when i committed myself to graduate school, i thought for a long time about getting an mba instead. it was actually a really difficult decision. and i remember finally deciding on an mfa because i thought it would make me happier.

...now i'm not so sure.

yes, i'm glad i got the education and i learned more than i thought possible and met some of the most amazing people who walk the planet...but what the hell do i do next?

results

i had my second appointment with the career counselor yesterday. he had the results of my many tests that took into account my capabilities, values, and interests and projected a list of potential careers.

he, being a psychologist, in speaking to me, added a few as well.

here is the list:

public administrator
loan officer
arts/entertainment manager
top executive, business/finance
computer & IS manager
financial manager
urban & regional planner
accountant
attorney
auditor
certified management accountant
certified public accountant
financial advisor
financial analyst
business analyst
organizational psychologist
systems analyst
high school teacher
architect
marketing analyst
professional sales/marketer
paralegal
event coordinator

it's both exciting and kind of strange to see career options that completely differ from what i've been doing with my life.

the next step is to break down these potential careers by the following:

• the basic duties and responsibilities
• the training and education needed
• earnings
• expected job prospects
• advancement opportunities 
• working conditions.

the idea of going back to school for anything at this moment in my life makes me want to vomit and cry, so that could have some influence over my decision.

on another note, i have an interview later this morning with a woman named margarita.

something new

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.

seriously.

this afternoon, i have my second appointment with a career counselor - a quirky older man who's very kind and has given me tests to take to figure out what i really want to do. because i don't know what i want to do.

i guess, to put it simply, i'm done with film.

i want to keep writing and helping the film community, setting up workshops, and trying to get new productions up and running, but the idea of working seventeen-hour days in the cold and rain with little light or warmth - well, i just don't have it in me anymore.

every film i've worked on the in the past few years has taken months out of my life for extremely little pay (i'm terrified to even think of breaking down what i make on an hourly basis), and that isn't including the emails, phone calls, and errand requests i still receive from producers years (literally) after production ended, but i feel like if i say i can't do one of these things, it will burn some bridge and i'll never work again...

so, maybe i'll try that.

i love film. i love the process and the collaboration and the idea of sitting with a small group of people looking at a script and knowing that after two months time that sweeps by in the blink of an eye, many more people, tremendous amount of chaos, lots of tears and laughs, the film will be shot and completed and on its way to the editor. i love it. i laugh harder on a film set than anywhere else. i cry more. i love the insanity of it all.

but sometimes i don't.

my goal is to actually get a job. like a job where people go to work and have insurance and paid time off and there's never a threat of a boss walking up to you and asking you to keep working, even though he doesn't know if he'll be able to pay you, and office supplies that i don't have to keep in my car, and evenings at home, being able to make my nephew's birthday party, weddings, funerals, holidays, random tuesday dinner with my parents, read novels, and not be crazy or close to tears the majority of the time.

i wonder what will be next for me.

...i just hope it's not data entry.

the magic of movies

here's what's scheduled today:

pre-call with two actresses for hair and makeup at 9a, but the lead actress needs a 12-hr turnaround, so she can't go into makeup until 11:30a.

our makeup artist is about to have a nervous breakdown, has never worked in film, is about 50 years old with a background in print and commercial work and thought this would be a fun experience - she doesn't think that anymore. she called me last night and said she wants to just leave it behind. funny thing, we don't have enough money to offer the position to anyone else, and no one else would do it anyway. so i begged her to continue at least for a bit and i promised that we would only use her for a limited time everyday to set everyone's makeup and then a pa (or me, more likely) would take on the responsibility of powdering once the actors arrived to set.

so now i'm just hoping she doesn't leave while waiting for the lead actress to be ready with her turnaround.

that's at the crew house, where pre-call will take place.

call isn't until 10a. i get to pick up breakfast from our caterer because we're filming at a television station and it seemed too questionable and confusing with codes and gates and all that. so i'm picking up breakfast and heading to set.

we only have this set from 10a until 2p, and yes, we can't get our lead actress into makeup until 11:30a, which means she might not arrive onset until noon, if we're lucky - and if our makeup artist doesn't call bullshit on waiting around for two hours for an actor who requires a turnaround.

then we have a walking scene to take place on the sidewalk. it's a few blocks from the television station, so we're asking extras to meet us at tables of an outdoor restaurant.

oh, and it's raining.

and there's no cover set.

so we're filming this no matter what.

then, for lunch (if we actually finish filming by 4p when we have to call lunch) will be at the crew house with a three hour window before we can get to our next location at 7p, which will be filming exteriors of a coffee shop, which we're actually not allowed to set foot in until 10p, when they close, but to help with the schedule to we decided to move exteriors to tonight. only thing, yes, still raining, and no, we don't have a holding place at this location until 10p, when they close and agreed to let us use the space.

i've called and texted my brother who lives near that coffee shop to see if we can hang at his house until they close and we can go inside...i haven't heard back from him yet.

and we have an actor landing tomorrow, who's sag, which means she requires per diem and more money than we have and i want to halt production. today. and the producer continues to text me and ask if i'm joking.

other than that, this is the best thing ever....

shooting (day) 2

my dad lent us a coffee percolator from his church. we set it up this morning and used the generic coffee our production supervisor purchased at wal-mart yesterday afternoon when he went out to make a crafty run.

yep, our line producer and production supervisor ran out to get crafty.

i brought the percolator and handed off the responsibility because i do not drink coffee and i do not care or know how to make it.

our ad's happened to have good working knowledge of all things coffee, so when we finally got into the building (the owner of the bowling alley where we're filming was late), we began making coffee.

then the director told me the coffee was really bad.

then everyone agreed.

the line producer and production supervisor ran out again to purchase a harddrive (because we didn't have them) and we asked that they bring back dunkin donuts coffee to compensate for the apparent crap coffee made this morning.

that was two hours ago.

five minutes ago, the first ad just called the second ad and asked him to ask me to coordinate a coffee run for the director of photography (who will only be called a cinematographer). i texted the line producer who's running out right now, and asked if he'd pick up coffee and he said no. we had enough here.

so.....i might attempt to make more in the church percolator...or not.

this is a really long day.

back at it

working on another film.

i swore i wouldn't do this ever again. for some reason i thought i didn't want to do this, that i wanted a normal life where people know there schedules three months out, instead of waiting until literally the night before to find out what time i have to be at work in the morning - and waiting until late afternoon to try to guess as to what time i'll be home.

it's hilarious.

today is the first day of production on another feature.

we planted our excuse for an onsite office in the corner of a basement dance club bar as they film on the first floor bowling alley and bar. the expansive space seemed nice and welcoming until the manager informed us they scheduled a band to load in at 1 this afternoon and begin sound check - sound check - at 5.

funny.

the drummer took it upon himself to begin practicing early.

i'm tired.

there's no soap in the bathroom and i'm trying to avoid thinking about that.