something new

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.

seriously.

this afternoon, i have my second appointment with a career counselor - a quirky older man who's very kind and has given me tests to take to figure out what i really want to do. because i don't know what i want to do.

i guess, to put it simply, i'm done with film.

i want to keep writing and helping the film community, setting up workshops, and trying to get new productions up and running, but the idea of working seventeen-hour days in the cold and rain with little light or warmth - well, i just don't have it in me anymore.

every film i've worked on the in the past few years has taken months out of my life for extremely little pay (i'm terrified to even think of breaking down what i make on an hourly basis), and that isn't including the emails, phone calls, and errand requests i still receive from producers years (literally) after production ended, but i feel like if i say i can't do one of these things, it will burn some bridge and i'll never work again...

so, maybe i'll try that.

i love film. i love the process and the collaboration and the idea of sitting with a small group of people looking at a script and knowing that after two months time that sweeps by in the blink of an eye, many more people, tremendous amount of chaos, lots of tears and laughs, the film will be shot and completed and on its way to the editor. i love it. i laugh harder on a film set than anywhere else. i cry more. i love the insanity of it all.

but sometimes i don't.

my goal is to actually get a job. like a job where people go to work and have insurance and paid time off and there's never a threat of a boss walking up to you and asking you to keep working, even though he doesn't know if he'll be able to pay you, and office supplies that i don't have to keep in my car, and evenings at home, being able to make my nephew's birthday party, weddings, funerals, holidays, random tuesday dinner with my parents, read novels, and not be crazy or close to tears the majority of the time.

i wonder what will be next for me.

...i just hope it's not data entry.