worthy

i read the bios of the special guests of the theatre festival i'm going to with my great aunt. they are extremely intimidating and each has their broadway debut listed - either as an actor, writer, director, or designer.

this week could go either way, but as the optimistic narcissist, i predict the following shall occur:

i have a major meltdown that i'm not talented/passionate/dedicated enough as a writer and will never be more than a weekend writer who tries (and fails) to achieve anything with her work.

i cry.

i question everything in my life that has brought me to going back to a normal office job (and failing at that) and wonder if i shouldn't just try more as a writer.

i notice the ugly bedspread of the hotel room and feel it's a perfect description of my life's work.

i attempt to be casual around the special guests, while at the same time desperate for their approval.

i keep up drink for drink with my great aunt and become hysterically drunk and make a fool of myself.

i vomit publicly.

i burn bridges even before they're built.

i get nothing accomplished.

i embarrass my aunt liz and she regrets even making the trip.

inspiration

today, my time is spent uploading the photos i took at the dog/food truck/radio thing. at the event, taking photos and feeling like i knew what do to, i had the image of turning the pictures in and impressing the company so much that they hire me as their fulltime photographer and i find my new life's passion.

then i got home and looked at the photos and . . . i don't have to worry about that happening.

then last night i went out to support a friend of mine doing stand-up comedy and while watching the less humorous performers, i had the thought, "what if that's what i'm supposed to do with my life?" and then, as with roseanne and phyillis diller, i find success quickly because i'm such a natural.

i continued to perfect my stand-up routine to myself as i drink more and more bourbon.

after waking this morning, i do not think that's my life's ambition.

my plan for the day is to upload all these pictures (which is taking forever) and then head to the school library to print out the workbook for workshop. when i travel to kansas, i shall read whilst my great aunt rests/naps/sleeps.

maybe i'll find my life's passion in kansas . . .

it certainly is something...

the dog/picture/radio thing last night went okay. someone asked if i had a website showing my photography and i told them my being there was a complete fluke - it crossed my mind to be professional, but i really stopped caring what people thought of this company when they sent out information about the event with me as their main contact.

when i showed up, i saw a woman i used to work with at the radio stations. she helped set things up and we got a few moments to catch up.

-and then my sister called with a request.

my great aunt, a 92 year-old actress, travels every year to the william inge theatre festival. she worked with him a few times and this is something very special to her. she is old, though, and cannot fully be on her own, and was supposed to be accompanied by her home-health aid.

well, her home-health aid came down with a case of shingles (as often happens) and they thought of me.

- this was the information my sister told me as i stood in a parking lot, staring at food trucks and dogs, and the sounds of the radio cranked up on ginormous speakers and the interstate not fifty feet away.

i love my aunt, but it took me a bit to take it all in and finally decide that i would go.

here's the plan:

next tuesday, i fly up to newark to meet my great aunt liz, who will be driven there by her homosexual confidant bernie - who looks strikingly like george papadapolis - from connecticut. we will then fly together to oklahoma and take a car to somewhere in the wilds of kansas for this theatre festival.

i suspect the following will happen:
lots of drinking.

the last time i went up to connecticut to see her and my aunt mary, aunt liz informed me that she woke up every night at about two or three and in that time she did three things: she ate a few crackers, went to the "john," and drank a vodka tonic.

"do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, laura?"

"no . . . not usually."

"i do. almost every night. i'm not sure why - but something about that vodka tonic helps me go back to sleep . . . do you want one to keep by your bed just in case?"

"no - thank you, but i think i'll be okay."

nope

i had two interviews to work with a private park company here in town . . . and i just got a call that i didn't get the job.

sucks.

but, something usually pops up.

company contact

heading out to take pictures of dogs or dog food or something - i'm still not sure.

but i did get an email from the company that is hosting the event (or not) who put my name on all the paperwork as the "company contact."

annie leibovitz

i got a call from one of my temp agencies for a three day job next week. (this is through an accounting-specific temp agency.) she asked first if i was available on the required dates and, of course, if i liked dogs, which made my brain start to wonder what was going on.

then she told me about the "gig" - to take photos of a local dog food company's "day out" with customers and dog owners sampling their product.

and she ended the conversation with, "so . . . do you have a camera?"

---so many things about this confuse me:

1. what company contacts a temp agency - and an accounting-specific temp agency at that - for their photography needs?

2. did she see film on my resume and assume i know anything at all about photography? because i do not.

3. is this dog food very good?

ADDED: i just got an email from her. she said i could borrow her camera if i needed. so it looks like mama's got a photography gig next week.

what next

here's what i don't understand...what is wrong with me?

true, my career past looks like i'm either insane or on the run from the law, but i'm also well-educated and i think it kind of appears that i work hard. but then, most of my resume, or at least the only consistency in my resume, is my film work which no one knows how to place. i've explained to temp agencies that, in the film world, i usually do the accounting, but somehow that still means nothing to them.

but maybe the truth of it all is that i just suck.

in the past four months, i've sent my resume in, physically mailed in resumes and cover letters, filled out countless online databases with my information, gone to two temp agencies, and repeatedly expanded my chosen field of interest. nothing works. the only positions i've even gotten called in to interview for are commission-based insurance sales, of which i didn't even apply. i don't know if i'm over-qualified or under-qualified, too educated, or educated too much in useless subjects.

the only thing i do know is that it makes me feel like complete ass.

and like i'm an idiot.

but sunday, after watching 'to sir, with love' i decided that my true calling is to be a teacher. in the past two days, i've been lost in thought about myself changing people's lives, out of nowhere i quoted, "i'm in my prime," as close to maggie smith as i could, and i've wondered (sometimes accidentally aloud) which poems i'll use in class to best represent sonnets, haikus, etc.

i went online yesterday to apply and again, the thought crossed my mind that i'm over-educated to do absolutely nothing. it requires certification (fine), but then to get certified, i have to show teaching experience.

i graduate in about a month with a masters degree in creative writing. i have loved every moment of it, although i'm grateful to be on the verge of finishing. when i look back to four years ago when i committed myself to graduate school, i thought for a long time about getting an mba instead. it was actually a really difficult decision. and i remember finally deciding on an mfa because i thought it would make me happier.

...now i'm not so sure.

yes, i'm glad i got the education and i learned more than i thought possible and met some of the most amazing people who walk the planet...but what the hell do i do next?