life and stress

yesterday was one of those days where nothing went right and i felt like my life was as useless and hopeless as a pile of mud.

i babysat for a friend of mine who belongs to a theatre company that i'm doing some editing for. they've asked me many times to tape their shows, but i've always declined because that ain't my game. i trust my editing skills, but i don't film stuff. seriously, on a film set, the last thing i ever do is actually touch the camera - and i've tried to express to them that even though i love film and filmmaking, i am not someone to give a camera to (to whom to give a camera). but somehow this never really hits home. (this is also the same girl who believes i prefer film to theatre because 'it isn't as much work.')

but, again, they asked me to tape and edit their last show so i finally succumbed to their disregard to my early warnings because mama needed the money.

well, yesterday, after a fun morning of babysitting for this thespian's child, she got home and asked how the editing was coming along and i said that actually, a rough cut was done, but i needed a program from her to make sure all the info was accurate, lalallaldia. and then she said,

'yeah, i definitely would love to see it a.s.a.p. and usually my notes are just, you know, something about wanting a closeup at a certain time or not.'

'wait - i didn't do any closeups.'

'when?'

'ever.'

'oh. see, that's what we usually do - have the second camera for closeups.'

'but the second camera was for the second stage.'

'hm. yeah, i guess that is confusing.'

'so, there aren't any...closeups. at all. it's just pretty much full on, full stage.'

'oh, well....i guess i'll talk to the director and see what she thinks.'

'about what.'

'about there not being closeups.'

'but the play's over, so...'

'well, i just want to let her know.'

so that made me feel like i was completely idiotic and made me want to scream and remind her that this was why i'm not given a gdvd camera.

and then i get home and get an email informing me that even though i was a 'viable candidate,' the company hiring to work with special needs children found 'a candidate better suited for the position.' and then i started reevaluating my entire life because apparently i'm a fuck up in shooting a very simple theatre production, and probably came across as a nutjob in my interview because seriously, if someone tears up in an interview, that is a sign of either passion or emotional instability - and i'm going with the latter, bob.

and then - yes, there's more - and then i got my cumulative bibliography returned from school because something was wrong with it, but i still didn't know what, and wasn't sure which MLA edition to use and that stressed me out because we were told all semester to use the 7th edition, but then the actual assignment said to use the 6th, so it's a safe bet that it just wasn't caught when they put it up on the website, but it's enough to make this little kissass completely terrified. and of course the big change in the 6th and 7th edition is how to cite a gdvd dvd, which is primarily what fills my bibliography.

so now i feel like i can't really do anything right and the hilarious thing about everything is that i'm trying to burn this effing dvd to show the theatre gals and i keep getting 'errors' and i really want to scream.

but i probably won't.

instead, i shall sit on my sofa in front of my television and watch something for two hours and recollect none of it.

back in town

went to a film festival in south carolina over the weekend. on saturday night i got really drunk on four glasses of wine over about five hours (cheap date) while attending a robot party. but it was pretty awesome because it seemed to be the most incestuous festival i've ever known:

-a film i worked on last summer was in it

-my brother's showed

-my brother's close friend (who worked with my brother on his film) had a film there

-one short film took place at a little grocery store in branford, ct, that just so happens to be the shop i am sent to every time i go to connecticut to see my great aunts because 'it's just a nice little place, isn't it laura? and don't you just love the cheeses they have? and laura dear, remember to get some ice cream - do you want some ice CRReam? pick out a good flavor. something new maybe. sister, do you have any ideas about what we need at caron's corner - isn't that a charming little name? i love that place. it's our grocery, i suppose.'

-two filmmakers live/lived in asheville (where i once lived)

-one guy went to grade school in my home town

...okay, this doesn't seem like that much, but this is only regarding three features and four shorts (i couldn't attend the entire festival).

but i'm back. somehow though, and i can't put my finger on it, it made me never want to be on a film set ever again. maybe it's the exhaustion of the weekend that's playing into it, or watching our film, or anything else. but there was one film there that was amazing - it magically felt like the camera accidentally caught the story on tape. and it made our film look staged and theatrical.

spent a weekend that should probably be inspiring, but actually made me rethink my life...again.

yay.

pecking order

the new fad here in hicktown, as you may have guessed, is chickens.

apparently, my neighbors are all about staying cool so two of them (behind and beside) have decided to purchase a flock to live in the comforts of their converted garages - one of which is disturbingly close to my living quarters.

high-larious.

don't get me wrong, i'm not completely against nature. i love willa cather novels and hope i'd make a good pioneer woman who can identify every plant and tree by its leaf and do any number of nimble tasks with freakishly gnarled fingers. hell, i even love plunging my hands in the dirt to start a garden every year. and when i visit friends on their farm i love it - i love the whole 'fresh egg, walkin the cows, findin kittens in the loft' thing. but somehow, this seems a smidge invasive. see, in daily life, i'm not exactly out-doorsy and i'm certainly not someone who loves the smell of...life (and by 'life' i mean animal feces).

so who knows what this will turn into. maybe it'll be completely normal where i won't even notice the stench or clucking - kind of like i don't always hear the church bells or the train pass by. and maybe i'll even be completely charmed by one and name it delilah and this sweet lil thing will change my life.

or not.

on a related note, i'm looking into getting a pet fox.

book recommendation

A ten year-old, who happens to be my cousin's youngest son, told me about a book series he loves, saying:

'if you like cats, but not dogs or skunks or squirrels or rabbits or people, but like bears, but not birds all the time, then this is a book for you.'

interviews are fun

interviewed this morning for a part time position to work with special needs children. i was extremely anxious before i went in and almost called and cancelled altogether thinking that it was just ridiculous that i was doing this.

and then sitting there in the 'game room' in an old church, i realized that i really want this job.

i have no idea if i'm right for it, how he felt the interview went, if i'll get the job or if they'll ever talk to me ever again, but it sounds amazing. really amazing.

so...here's hoping.

decisions

i declined the role in the american classic. i suppose it wasn't really a decision so much as realizing that i just couldn't do it and to even use the word 'decline' makes me feel like an utter asshole, but i guess that is what i did.

i checked my schedule and i'm working (yes, actual work scheduled for a future date) on a film in chicago at precisely the same time as the scheduled performances for the theatah piece...so that's how it goes.

and the film is a screwball comedy.

nuff said.

so, would this be considered the blue?

yesterday, after working with the wonderful asshole and getting sunburnt, i headed home (after driving the asshole home because he doesn't have a car) and got a message from a director in town who wanted me to 'phone her back regarding a proposition.'

i finally called her back expecting her to ask me to film a rehearsal or edit footage together or help out at a fundraiser or something like that, but, um, no...

she asked me - this is still really crazy - she asked me if i would be in a play she's directing - like a good play. like an effing american classic.

jaw dropped, i sat on the phone with her, completely flattered and flabbergasted.

i told her i had to check my schedule and read the play again (it's an amazing play and when i was still acting i would have injured someone body and soul to get an opportunity like this) and see if i could commit to it as much as i feel it's deserved.

i really don't know what to do. i'm heading to the library today to get a copy.

but really.

wtf?

talk about the unexpected.

another day, another sunburn

i worked on the second film today and it's always interesting how you appreciate something when it's not there, like, for instance, a film set where there is at least one copy of the shooting script, shot list, schedule, or scene breakdown. or maybe a d.p. who doesn't constantly tell 'that's what she said' jokes, laughlessly (and maybe joking?) yell at people to 'hurry the fuck up,' and belch loudly and then when i don't react apparently take it as his cue to say 'what the fuck do you expect? you're working with guys here.'

so, no, today was dumb. really dumb. and annoying. and this camera guy...seriously...i have no words to describe the asshole that he was. no words.

asshole.

seriously.

fucking asshole.

and last week stressed me out, but never was there a lack of respect from anyone. never. even the guy who ran a pornography bookstore (slash) motel was polite and respectful.

and i'm sunburnt to boot. and tired. and have no idea if there's any more work on this project because, as afore mentioned, schedules aren't exactly easy to come by. but i really don't want to work with this guy again.

easter sunday

happy easter!

and happy birthday to my aunt liz!

taxidermy

i'm now searching for a bearskin rug.

clean

this past week made me feel grimy so i'm washing all my clothes - every single thing i own.

it's hard to say exactly what caused this feeling, but it might have to do with the animal feces, cigarette smoke, complete lack of ventilation, sweat, old trucks, no air conditioning, missing hand soap and/or hand towels, and the rotting head of a dead alligator in the truck beside me.

but, really, it's hard to say.

down the highway

we shot the last scene of the film - the alligator in the back of the truck speeding down the interstate.

we put a huge tarp down over the bed of the truck and filled it with water (note to self - makes an amazing makeshift pool). i drove all over god's country searching for nylon netting to put over the water so the alligator would not freak and jump out onto the side of the road. but, we had to nix the netting because it didn't work for the shot - so instead of using the alligator, we used the head of an alligator, purchased on ebay last week. we rigged it up with fishing line and headed out to the interstate and, well, some passing motorists freaked out - but that's to be expected.

for the last shot, the camera guy propped himself up through my sunroof, holding the camera, as we sped down the interstate tailing the truck full of water and an alligator head. semis passing. horns honking. completely insane.

but we got it.

another late one

really, really long day.

our dear sound guy had to head to tennessee for another film, so i took over and have never felt so bad-ass and so inept at the same time as holding a boom mic and handling all the gear.

tomorrow we shoot the last two scenes - one being the last shot of the film. so tonight we had to prep - we put a tarp in the back of a truck and filled it with water to make a home for the alligator.

here's the lovely creature we get to put in the bed of a truck...

oh, the fun's gonna start tomorrow.

i am so tired i could hit something. and then pass out.