trash needs removed

you know anyone moving any time soon?  now you can get paid and take home some boxes. 

Need someone to haul away 100+ cardboard boxes. 

Offering $25 for entire load of cardboard 

i wonder what the '+' implies.

no joke

seriously.

i am look to hire some new talent email me pics and will hit u back

seriously. this should come as no surprise that this is an ad for an 'escort.'

what could go wrong?

i'm not exactly a dog person. i like dogs - or at least i love the dogs owned and cared for by my friends. but i've never been one of those people who goes up to strange dogs on the sidewalk and lays down next to them and practically makes out with them all in the name of 'being a dog person' (i seriously have a friend like this. no exaggeration).

and so when i read this listing, my entire body cringed...

WE ARE LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD PET PEOPLE TO DO PRIVATE BOARDING IN YOUR HOME

If you love dogs and wouldn't mind them coming to spend the night or a weekend at your place, then reply to this ad...Great for stay at home moms or retirees...

okay, so if you're retired and love strange animals coming over every once in a while, then yes, this sounds like a lovely idea.

but stay at home moms? wtf? i guess they would be ideal candidates because when you stay home with kids all day, you get really really really really really effing bored. so why not have a stranger's dog over so it can tear up your sofa, piss on your toddler, and crap in your shoes?

if nothing else, it would make the weekend go lickety-split.

we need you

i found a subtle and sweet listing titled 'we need strippers.'

Need 3 strippers for my buddies party we rented out a warehouse downtown must be over 21 and under 40 and have expierience on a pole we will obey strip club rules no sex or touching Please send picture and how much cash you charge it's for 2 or 3 hours we are big tippers and there will be a open bar

seriously, no sex or touching - or punctuation for that matter. what's there to lose?

dancing girls

i know it isn't that big of a deal or a real shock to anyone alive in the universe that there are ads on craigslist searching for exotic dancers, topless dancers, escorts, etc. but some of the ads just fit the stereotype a bit too well and it hurts, my friend. it hurts.

for ins:

Seeking local women ages 18 to 39 to be models [nice age range. quite refreshing]...We provide "eye candy" for events [and who doesn't want eye candy at an event? it's why i go anywhere really - for the eye candy]... XXX is seeking women all shapes, sizes, and races that think you can hold a conversation with anyone and still enjoy themselves while working to reply to this email [because if you can then they might want to talk to them who reply while talking and you can hold a conversation].

[wait, is this an escort service?]

THIS IS NOT AN ESCORT SERVICE!! [cool] We mearly [i know] offer beautiful faces for the event.

When replying please send and full face and body shot. [how does one 'full' a face?]

problem is, i don't have body shots. i can do body shots, but i don't have any.

f you

apparently, interpreters and language gurus are in high demand on the trusty ol' craigslist, and today i found this:

Hallo:
Ich suche ein/eine Deutschlehrer/in (Muttersprache Deutsch) f?r privaten Unterricht mit Grammatik und Spr?che. Ich wohne seit 9 Monaten in Deutschland, bin aber in Louisville aufgewachsen. Ich besuche meine Familie dort und bin vom 3. bis 23.August dort. Ich hoffe zweimal pro Woche f?r 1,5 Stunden (pro Lektion) Unterricht zu haben, damit ich mein Deutsch weiterhin sprechen/?ben kann. Wenn Ihre Muttersprache nicht deutsch ist, dann ist es auch in Ordnung wenn Ihre Deutschkenntnisse sehr gut sind.
vielen Dank!

since i speak fluent german (not really), let me translate (thanks to google translator):

Hi:
Seeking an / a German teacher (native German) f? R private teaching grammar and spray? Surface. I have been living for nine months in Germany, but I am grown up in Louisville. I visit my family there and am on 3 until August 23 there. I hope to f twice per week? to have r 1.5 hours (per lesson) lessons, so I continue to speak my German /? ben. If your mother tongue is not German, then it's OK if your German is very good.
Thank you!

too bad my 'spray ? Surface' skills really suck, because this could have been the perfect job.

and really, doesn't everyone hope to 'f twice per week'?

perusing craigslist yet again...

as always, i spent the morning looking about on craigslist searching for my ideal career to fall in my lap, and this is what i found...

1. calling interpreters for the following languages:

Pohnpeian

Ponapean

Micronesian

Turkish

Albanian

for all those interpreters out there, your ship has come in. (and for those of us not fluent in those popular and common languages, may we now regret yet another course in college we did not take.)

2. sometimes it's easy to tell that a job would be pretty shitty simply by the job description. case in point:

I have a start up sheep, goat, cattle, hay, and hunting operation... I have an opening for a healthy and reliable adult... Please don't waste your time if you use drugs, smoke, or drink. Must have own medical insurance... and a good chain saw... There are some perks besides pay, such as... raising a beef/lamb. Please don't ask me to call you.

3. those kickboxing classes will finally pay off.

We are casting a corporate communication video. The character will emulate the style of the "Ask a Ninja" website.

4. i've always wanted to be a dancer.

Rustic Frog is looking for female dancers. we have a unique facility and after July 1st will be the only topless club in the area serving alcohol and no barriers. Please apply in person.

...yeah, um, define 'barriers'

5. this job was made for me. made. for. me.

We want someone who can make realistic and humorous bodily function sound effects.