it certainly is something...

the dog/picture/radio thing last night went okay. someone asked if i had a website showing my photography and i told them my being there was a complete fluke - it crossed my mind to be professional, but i really stopped caring what people thought of this company when they sent out information about the event with me as their main contact.

when i showed up, i saw a woman i used to work with at the radio stations. she helped set things up and we got a few moments to catch up.

-and then my sister called with a request.

my great aunt, a 92 year-old actress, travels every year to the william inge theatre festival. she worked with him a few times and this is something very special to her. she is old, though, and cannot fully be on her own, and was supposed to be accompanied by her home-health aid.

well, her home-health aid came down with a case of shingles (as often happens) and they thought of me.

- this was the information my sister told me as i stood in a parking lot, staring at food trucks and dogs, and the sounds of the radio cranked up on ginormous speakers and the interstate not fifty feet away.

i love my aunt, but it took me a bit to take it all in and finally decide that i would go.

here's the plan:

next tuesday, i fly up to newark to meet my great aunt liz, who will be driven there by her homosexual confidant bernie - who looks strikingly like george papadapolis - from connecticut. we will then fly together to oklahoma and take a car to somewhere in the wilds of kansas for this theatre festival.

i suspect the following will happen:
lots of drinking.

the last time i went up to connecticut to see her and my aunt mary, aunt liz informed me that she woke up every night at about two or three and in that time she did three things: she ate a few crackers, went to the "john," and drank a vodka tonic.

"do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, laura?"

"no . . . not usually."

"i do. almost every night. i'm not sure why - but something about that vodka tonic helps me go back to sleep . . . do you want one to keep by your bed just in case?"

"no - thank you, but i think i'll be okay."

nope

i had two interviews to work with a private park company here in town . . . and i just got a call that i didn't get the job.

sucks.

but, something usually pops up.

company contact

heading out to take pictures of dogs or dog food or something - i'm still not sure.

but i did get an email from the company that is hosting the event (or not) who put my name on all the paperwork as the "company contact."

annie leibovitz

i got a call from one of my temp agencies for a three day job next week. (this is through an accounting-specific temp agency.) she asked first if i was available on the required dates and, of course, if i liked dogs, which made my brain start to wonder what was going on.

then she told me about the "gig" - to take photos of a local dog food company's "day out" with customers and dog owners sampling their product.

and she ended the conversation with, "so . . . do you have a camera?"

---so many things about this confuse me:

1. what company contacts a temp agency - and an accounting-specific temp agency at that - for their photography needs?

2. did she see film on my resume and assume i know anything at all about photography? because i do not.

3. is this dog food very good?

ADDED: i just got an email from her. she said i could borrow her camera if i needed. so it looks like mama's got a photography gig next week.

what next

here's what i don't understand...what is wrong with me?

true, my career past looks like i'm either insane or on the run from the law, but i'm also well-educated and i think it kind of appears that i work hard. but then, most of my resume, or at least the only consistency in my resume, is my film work which no one knows how to place. i've explained to temp agencies that, in the film world, i usually do the accounting, but somehow that still means nothing to them.

but maybe the truth of it all is that i just suck.

in the past four months, i've sent my resume in, physically mailed in resumes and cover letters, filled out countless online databases with my information, gone to two temp agencies, and repeatedly expanded my chosen field of interest. nothing works. the only positions i've even gotten called in to interview for are commission-based insurance sales, of which i didn't even apply. i don't know if i'm over-qualified or under-qualified, too educated, or educated too much in useless subjects.

the only thing i do know is that it makes me feel like complete ass.

and like i'm an idiot.

but sunday, after watching 'to sir, with love' i decided that my true calling is to be a teacher. in the past two days, i've been lost in thought about myself changing people's lives, out of nowhere i quoted, "i'm in my prime," as close to maggie smith as i could, and i've wondered (sometimes accidentally aloud) which poems i'll use in class to best represent sonnets, haikus, etc.

i went online yesterday to apply and again, the thought crossed my mind that i'm over-educated to do absolutely nothing. it requires certification (fine), but then to get certified, i have to show teaching experience.

i graduate in about a month with a masters degree in creative writing. i have loved every moment of it, although i'm grateful to be on the verge of finishing. when i look back to four years ago when i committed myself to graduate school, i thought for a long time about getting an mba instead. it was actually a really difficult decision. and i remember finally deciding on an mfa because i thought it would make me happier.

...now i'm not so sure.

yes, i'm glad i got the education and i learned more than i thought possible and met some of the most amazing people who walk the planet...but what the hell do i do next?

results

i had my second appointment with the career counselor yesterday. he had the results of my many tests that took into account my capabilities, values, and interests and projected a list of potential careers.

he, being a psychologist, in speaking to me, added a few as well.

here is the list:

public administrator
loan officer
arts/entertainment manager
top executive, business/finance
computer & IS manager
financial manager
urban & regional planner
accountant
attorney
auditor
certified management accountant
certified public accountant
financial advisor
financial analyst
business analyst
organizational psychologist
systems analyst
high school teacher
architect
marketing analyst
professional sales/marketer
paralegal
event coordinator

it's both exciting and kind of strange to see career options that completely differ from what i've been doing with my life.

the next step is to break down these potential careers by the following:

• the basic duties and responsibilities
• the training and education needed
• earnings
• expected job prospects
• advancement opportunities 
• working conditions.

the idea of going back to school for anything at this moment in my life makes me want to vomit and cry, so that could have some influence over my decision.

on another note, i have an interview later this morning with a woman named margarita.

something new

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.

seriously.

this afternoon, i have my second appointment with a career counselor - a quirky older man who's very kind and has given me tests to take to figure out what i really want to do. because i don't know what i want to do.

i guess, to put it simply, i'm done with film.

i want to keep writing and helping the film community, setting up workshops, and trying to get new productions up and running, but the idea of working seventeen-hour days in the cold and rain with little light or warmth - well, i just don't have it in me anymore.

every film i've worked on the in the past few years has taken months out of my life for extremely little pay (i'm terrified to even think of breaking down what i make on an hourly basis), and that isn't including the emails, phone calls, and errand requests i still receive from producers years (literally) after production ended, but i feel like if i say i can't do one of these things, it will burn some bridge and i'll never work again...

so, maybe i'll try that.

i love film. i love the process and the collaboration and the idea of sitting with a small group of people looking at a script and knowing that after two months time that sweeps by in the blink of an eye, many more people, tremendous amount of chaos, lots of tears and laughs, the film will be shot and completed and on its way to the editor. i love it. i laugh harder on a film set than anywhere else. i cry more. i love the insanity of it all.

but sometimes i don't.

my goal is to actually get a job. like a job where people go to work and have insurance and paid time off and there's never a threat of a boss walking up to you and asking you to keep working, even though he doesn't know if he'll be able to pay you, and office supplies that i don't have to keep in my car, and evenings at home, being able to make my nephew's birthday party, weddings, funerals, holidays, random tuesday dinner with my parents, read novels, and not be crazy or close to tears the majority of the time.

i wonder what will be next for me.

...i just hope it's not data entry.