Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned you're tops. I mean, decency-wise and otherwise-wise.

- C. C. Baxter, The Apartment

Sunday, October 31, 2010

the taxpayers

i love response posts.

RE: Overnight sitter

15 dollars for the night... honey this aint india anymore 15 dollars will cover the calories you use watching ur kid. im gonna help you out if you want people to watch him the going rate for a cheap sitter is 10 an hour
it's true. this is no longer india.

RE;MOTHER'S HELPER

ARE YOU FOR REAL? 5 DOLLARS AN HOUR FOR COOKING, CLEANING, IRONING AND TAKING CARE OF YOUR KID? AT LEAST OFFER MINIMUM WAGE, AND EVEN THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!
ironing would set me over the edge too. but not everyone is that expressive. the meek have a voice too.

re PC Technician

15 per hour is not much to live on. how can anyone survive on that
ah, the meek. they shall get a handsome income someday when they finally get that inheritance.

Re: Full time Technician (roadtohell) (Communist’s Dreamland)

Here is another one XXXXX

with $14 /hour, but there is a catch – in addition to Active Directory, GPOs, firewalls, sales experience and certifications, they want you to use your own car and have clean driving record. This is f**n’ unbelievable!!!

Next thing you know, they'll want you to pay them for employing you...
is it the clean driving record that's most "f**n' unbelievable!!!"

RE: Drrivers Wanted

Besides the fact that this place advertises constantly (3rd time just this week) in a field (courier/messinger) where the majority of companies have lost up to half of their business (so they basically "COLLECT" drivers just in case they have a busy day every now and then) rumor has it that we (the taxpayers) basically financed their kids summer vacation (layoff from the family business ,collects unemployment so they don't have to pay him, & is suddenly now back with the company).
i (too) am a fan of parenthesis. without the parenthesis, he said,
Besides the fact that this place advertises constantly in a field where the majority of companies have lost up to half of their business rumor has it that we basically financed their kids summer vacation.
who (for one) is spreading that rumor? i thought summer vacations were free (even poor children have them).

RE:RE:==Windows 7 deployment technician needed! Limited experience (roadtohell)

$12 an hour was the old rate, now it is $10 an hour.

Just take the job and then just steal what ever is not nailed down. And make sure you steal data. Their competition will pay you for their customer list and other info. *.pst files are loaded with useful data.

If they do not fairly compensate you for your skills, then turn your skills againts them.
um...

remove removal

do you ever have to repeat yourself to get noticed?

removal of small rock pile

remove small rock pile

removal small rock pile

remove small rock pile
and sometimes one word can make all the difference.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

non-sexual

craigslist ads, sooner or later, always find their way to the stripper/pole dancer/prostitute in so many words positions and, to be honest, it gets old. but sometimes something strikes me as strange.

for ins...

Hiring non-sexual escorts for immediate work [they amazingly make the word 'non-sexual' seem sexual and perverted]

XXXX's #1 Agency for your Bachelor Party Dancers, Escorts, Private Parties and 1 on 1's in the XXXX area [because nothing here, in any way, seems like it would lead to any type of sexual situation whatsoever]

We are very private - and anyone over 18 is welcome to apply. [are these two thoughts connected?]

This is legal, legit and non-sexual companionship. [this is overreaching]

We are currently looking for independent escorts (ages 18 and over) looking to be a part of our team and make some [?] great income! [i'm over 18, looking to be a part of a team, and want to make 'some great income,' and what's more fun is that i love non-sexual situations!]

Email us your name, age, telephone number and at least two photos to [nothing comes after 'to']
(Please send photos before you call to set up a time to come in) [understandable]

We need girls able to start immediately.
If you can come in for an interview tonight, you can start tonight. [i can interview and start tonight? bingo bango]
non-sexual is natural. non-sexual is fun. not everybody does it. but everybody should.

infomation avaiable

just some things i noticed

Babysitter Avaiable

Infomational Surveys

1995 GMC Sierra 1500 sle($2,200) [found in etc. jobs]

i wish them all good luck.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

renting chocolate

i like chocolate and i like partying. hmm, i wonder if there's something out there just for me...

Chocolate, Partying. Need I Say More?

Chocolate, Partying.
Need I say More?
You can actually make money by renting chocolate fountains and attending events/parties.

If you're interested, please email resume.
Please email any questions or concerns.
  • Compensation: $25-$30 per chocolate fountain rental.
i believe that yes, you need say more.

question(s): do i just lug this fountain to random 'events/parties'? do i need an invite? will people pay me once i arrive because i brought the coolest, oversized piece of shit? if it is such a hit at parties, can i go back in time and gift it to my even dorkier self - and perhaps change history and become really cool all because of a chocolate fountain rental and time travel?

i believe it can be summed up by the genius that is 'some kind of wonderful':
"to win big, you gotta do what?"
"lose."
"lose big. what are we doin now?"
"we're losin big."

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

back in old napoli, that's zamboni

how many times can you say 'zamboni' before the word becomes meaningless?

Zamboni Driver - Ice Rink

Part-time Zamboni drivers wanted for ice rinks in XXX. Must have valid drivers license and able to drive and operate Zamboni. Please reply and answer the following questions [zamboni]. 1. What town do you [zamboni] live in? 2. Do you have a car? 3. Where did you learn how to drive the Zamboni?

We will contact potential employees with a [zamboni] phone interview.
i hope they do more than a phone interview. yikes.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

peanuts

i recently had to help a friend post something on craigslist and this is not a simple task.

Re: Household Help Part Time THIS IS EXACTLY A SLAVE JOB! ($8/hr? WOW)

Crazy lady.
  • Location: $8/hr? WOW
  • Compensation: peanuts
so if you're going to go through all that work anyway, i mean, come on...give us a little more of a rant than that.

Friday, October 1, 2010

15 minutes of fame

it's always when i'm stuck in traffic, trying to head out of town to get to an audition three hours away for a part that i'm probably not gonna get anyway that i question what the hell i'm doing with my life.

and yesterday was no different.

i'm always early. always. it's an annoying trait and the reason i always have work or a book to read to help pass the time. so, when i do head down to music city usa, i usually get there about an hour before anyone is expecting me, so i wander. and because of this, i've been able to get to know the streets of nashville a bit.

and thank god because yesterday went all to hell.

because of my trend of being early, i decided to push my departure time a bit. i headed out the door at 3:30 to arrive in nashville for the audition at 5:45 (they're an hour behind us). but as i left town, my brain decided to nap and i a) forgot how to get on the interstate, b) changed my mind three times as to how to find the interstate, and c) wound up in traffic all three times and didn't actually get out of town and on the highway until 4.

but somehow, i still managed to make pretty good time. i went about 80 and except for a semi's tire flying off and hitting the front of my car and giving me severe anxiety that it had done major damage, there were no problems on the drive down.

the problems arose when i got to town at 5:20 and couldn't read my directions. that's right, my directions. my printer is not speaking to me, so i wrote out the directions by hand and of course the address is on a street that has two different names and when i put each name into google maps, yes, two different addresses showed up. but, even with this lovely red flag hovering above me before i left home, i decided not to worry about it until i was stuck in a 'turn only' lane headed away from town and towards open fields to think there might be a problem.

that was when i called my agent. who didn't answer. and i left a message saying that all was all right and i'm sure i would be there on time and not to worry. (he didn't call back).

as i sped and yelled and screeched to a halt and changed lanes in front of screaming folks, i breathed in the good and let out the bad. i took care of what i could when i could. i changed from my flipflops to my boots at stop lights. i put on lipstick while waiting for the traffic cop to wave me through. and i was ready - except for the one boot that was out of reach on the floor of the passenger side.

and then somehow, by the grace of all things holy, i found the address...kind of. i saw what would have been the neighboring building, so i swerved around and drove around the block, searching for the building i was to go to.

i screamed a few times and took deep breaths and found a space in a city parking lot. i parked, put on my other boot, and paid a lovely SIX BUCKS. frustrating. i ran to the door of the building and my hand touched the door handle at precisely 5:45.

i had arrived. and i could clearly see my reflection in the glass door.

um, funny thing. when i'm nervous or bored or talking to someone or not talking, i play with my hair. i flop it around and there it is. and because of the audition, for some reason, i decided to put a little product in my hair to make it look like it was in some way on purpose. well...looking at my reflection, moments before i would surely knock their socks off with my brilliant line reading, i realized that i had 'sex' hair (you know what i'm talking about). i looked crazy. my hair stood up in some parts, was matted down in others, and stuck out in a fan behind my left ear.

i looked at myself in absolute horror.

and then walked inside.

i rushed to the top of the stairs and went in the meeting room and signed my name while breathing like a dying lama. the actresses (ugh, i'm one of them) sat on the leather sofas and eyed me up and down as i lumbered over, sweat dripping and pooling around me. i collapsed on a sofa and looked back at the door to see a hand-written sign that read:
you are not allowed to park in the lot next door
well, crappity crap crap. yes, of course, my car was parked in the lot next door. but i paid, so they could kiss my ass, said my tough inner self. (my meek self was concerned with towing.)

a woman came out and called in the actors in the order they'd signed up. i was the last of the group of 'medical examiners.' they all had long, brushed hair and pigment in their skin. eh.

finally, she called my name.

i went into an office where the woman introduced herself as tillie and the man as simon, the director. (for those of you who don't know, people who work in film always have names like this). i plopped down in a chair, but tillie said that i would actually be standing for the audition...'or crouching, if you want.'
'i do want to crouch, thank you,' i said. and i said it in a way where it was clear that i thought i was being witty, even though it wasn't at all witty and i just sounded really dumb.
but, i wanted to crouch, so crouch i did.
tillie read my cue line and then i crouched and pulled back the flannel shirt of the imaginary dead man on the carpeted floor and said, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large collabor - cal-."

yep, i effed up the line.

'we need to change that line because everyone has messed it up today,' tillie said and laughed a little and simon pretended to say the line with marbles in his mouth, 'large col-la-bubububu.' and i laughed because that's what you do at an audition. you laugh at shit that isn't funny.

we did it again and again i crouched over the body and said the line (this time correct).

'hmm, you don't have to be emotional. this is your job. you were asked what you found and you're simply stating it. let's go again.' --for the record, i wasn't being emotional. it wasn't like i was saying the line like i had just discovered a loved one shot through the heart (and you're to blame). i thought i just said it.

so, again, i crouched and said, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large caliber bullet.'

'you're not announcing it to the world. you're just saying it,' tillie said, which sounded a lot like, 'no, you're not mad at him, you're just pointing. hey you. i know you. i know you.'

okay. giving information. not announcing. no emotion. just the facts.

i crouched, peeled back the imaginary shirt off the imaginary corpse, saw the imaginary bullet hole, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large caliber bullet.' and i think i gave a 'that's all i got' look to tillie, which could have been taken as a character choice or, what it really was, a 'please don't ask me to do this again because i really don't give a shit' look.

and they didn't ask me to do it again. they thanked me and i headed out and got back in my car (yes, it was still there) at 6:00.

fifteen minutes.

so i drove home.

again, don't think i'll be hearing from my agent regarding the role of the medical examiner.