results

i had my second appointment with the career counselor yesterday. he had the results of my many tests that took into account my capabilities, values, and interests and projected a list of potential careers.

he, being a psychologist, in speaking to me, added a few as well.

here is the list:

public administrator
loan officer
arts/entertainment manager
top executive, business/finance
computer & IS manager
financial manager
urban & regional planner
accountant
attorney
auditor
certified management accountant
certified public accountant
financial advisor
financial analyst
business analyst
organizational psychologist
systems analyst
high school teacher
architect
marketing analyst
professional sales/marketer
paralegal
event coordinator

it's both exciting and kind of strange to see career options that completely differ from what i've been doing with my life.

the next step is to break down these potential careers by the following:

• the basic duties and responsibilities
• the training and education needed
• earnings
• expected job prospects
• advancement opportunities 
• working conditions.

the idea of going back to school for anything at this moment in my life makes me want to vomit and cry, so that could have some influence over my decision.

on another note, i have an interview later this morning with a woman named margarita.

something new

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.

seriously.

this afternoon, i have my second appointment with a career counselor - a quirky older man who's very kind and has given me tests to take to figure out what i really want to do. because i don't know what i want to do.

i guess, to put it simply, i'm done with film.

i want to keep writing and helping the film community, setting up workshops, and trying to get new productions up and running, but the idea of working seventeen-hour days in the cold and rain with little light or warmth - well, i just don't have it in me anymore.

every film i've worked on the in the past few years has taken months out of my life for extremely little pay (i'm terrified to even think of breaking down what i make on an hourly basis), and that isn't including the emails, phone calls, and errand requests i still receive from producers years (literally) after production ended, but i feel like if i say i can't do one of these things, it will burn some bridge and i'll never work again...

so, maybe i'll try that.

i love film. i love the process and the collaboration and the idea of sitting with a small group of people looking at a script and knowing that after two months time that sweeps by in the blink of an eye, many more people, tremendous amount of chaos, lots of tears and laughs, the film will be shot and completed and on its way to the editor. i love it. i laugh harder on a film set than anywhere else. i cry more. i love the insanity of it all.

but sometimes i don't.

my goal is to actually get a job. like a job where people go to work and have insurance and paid time off and there's never a threat of a boss walking up to you and asking you to keep working, even though he doesn't know if he'll be able to pay you, and office supplies that i don't have to keep in my car, and evenings at home, being able to make my nephew's birthday party, weddings, funerals, holidays, random tuesday dinner with my parents, read novels, and not be crazy or close to tears the majority of the time.

i wonder what will be next for me.

...i just hope it's not data entry.

the magic of movies

here's what's scheduled today:

pre-call with two actresses for hair and makeup at 9a, but the lead actress needs a 12-hr turnaround, so she can't go into makeup until 11:30a.

our makeup artist is about to have a nervous breakdown, has never worked in film, is about 50 years old with a background in print and commercial work and thought this would be a fun experience - she doesn't think that anymore. she called me last night and said she wants to just leave it behind. funny thing, we don't have enough money to offer the position to anyone else, and no one else would do it anyway. so i begged her to continue at least for a bit and i promised that we would only use her for a limited time everyday to set everyone's makeup and then a pa (or me, more likely) would take on the responsibility of powdering once the actors arrived to set.

so now i'm just hoping she doesn't leave while waiting for the lead actress to be ready with her turnaround.

that's at the crew house, where pre-call will take place.

call isn't until 10a. i get to pick up breakfast from our caterer because we're filming at a television station and it seemed too questionable and confusing with codes and gates and all that. so i'm picking up breakfast and heading to set.

we only have this set from 10a until 2p, and yes, we can't get our lead actress into makeup until 11:30a, which means she might not arrive onset until noon, if we're lucky - and if our makeup artist doesn't call bullshit on waiting around for two hours for an actor who requires a turnaround.

then we have a walking scene to take place on the sidewalk. it's a few blocks from the television station, so we're asking extras to meet us at tables of an outdoor restaurant.

oh, and it's raining.

and there's no cover set.

so we're filming this no matter what.

then, for lunch (if we actually finish filming by 4p when we have to call lunch) will be at the crew house with a three hour window before we can get to our next location at 7p, which will be filming exteriors of a coffee shop, which we're actually not allowed to set foot in until 10p, when they close, but to help with the schedule to we decided to move exteriors to tonight. only thing, yes, still raining, and no, we don't have a holding place at this location until 10p, when they close and agreed to let us use the space.

i've called and texted my brother who lives near that coffee shop to see if we can hang at his house until they close and we can go inside...i haven't heard back from him yet.

and we have an actor landing tomorrow, who's sag, which means she requires per diem and more money than we have and i want to halt production. today. and the producer continues to text me and ask if i'm joking.

other than that, this is the best thing ever....

shooting (day) 2

my dad lent us a coffee percolator from his church. we set it up this morning and used the generic coffee our production supervisor purchased at wal-mart yesterday afternoon when he went out to make a crafty run.

yep, our line producer and production supervisor ran out to get crafty.

i brought the percolator and handed off the responsibility because i do not drink coffee and i do not care or know how to make it.

our ad's happened to have good working knowledge of all things coffee, so when we finally got into the building (the owner of the bowling alley where we're filming was late), we began making coffee.

then the director told me the coffee was really bad.

then everyone agreed.

the line producer and production supervisor ran out again to purchase a harddrive (because we didn't have them) and we asked that they bring back dunkin donuts coffee to compensate for the apparent crap coffee made this morning.

that was two hours ago.

five minutes ago, the first ad just called the second ad and asked him to ask me to coordinate a coffee run for the director of photography (who will only be called a cinematographer). i texted the line producer who's running out right now, and asked if he'd pick up coffee and he said no. we had enough here.

so.....i might attempt to make more in the church percolator...or not.

this is a really long day.

back at it

working on another film.

i swore i wouldn't do this ever again. for some reason i thought i didn't want to do this, that i wanted a normal life where people know there schedules three months out, instead of waiting until literally the night before to find out what time i have to be at work in the morning - and waiting until late afternoon to try to guess as to what time i'll be home.

it's hilarious.

today is the first day of production on another feature.

we planted our excuse for an onsite office in the corner of a basement dance club bar as they film on the first floor bowling alley and bar. the expansive space seemed nice and welcoming until the manager informed us they scheduled a band to load in at 1 this afternoon and begin sound check - sound check - at 5.

funny.

the drummer took it upon himself to begin practicing early.

i'm tired.

there's no soap in the bathroom and i'm trying to avoid thinking about that.

hi

for those waiting in line somewhere and trying like hell to pass the time, i shall tell you about my day.

i made some tea and a bowl of yogurt and granola, feeling like if it took the time to actually drink my tea and eat my breakfast, i was wasting my time. but i did it anyway.

i have a pile of school work in front of me with notes and ideas scrawled on pages upon pages, and hopefully i'll be able to put them all together and turn it in my wednesday and still walk with my head held high.

at the moment, i can't wait for school to end. i'm exhausted. i want to read a book without guilt. i want to watch a film without breaking it down in some way for discussion. and i want to go a day without having the weight of due dates new drafts constantly resting on my brain.

last night we talked a lot about buying property and what the future looks like.


and i can't wait.

fun day at work

i worked with cowboy this week.

every time i've worked with him before, it was an empty house and we worked alone with the radio on.

this week, though, we worked in a house where people lived.

we were let in a door from the garage that led down a hallway to the bathroom needing work. the hallway passed the main living room where an older woman sat on a sofa and played solitair on her ipad and watched game shows the entire day. the entire day.

the morning began quietly - except for the frustration cowboy had with rockboard and my lack of skill and gravity and the toilet paper holder - but it quickly turned.

first, the woman's thirteen year-old grandson came home and stared unflinchingly at both of us working, but when i said hello, he responded with the same stare. it was a bit more awkward when this scrawny pale kid changed into baggy shorts, a wife-beater tanktop, yellow-tinted shades, and a cap. in this new outfit, he again just walked slowly in and out of rooms staring at us.

he was even kind enough to continue the awkward walk and stare out in the garage when i cut tile.

then, the dogs arrived. they stayed behind the temporary gate put up by the woman who presumably took a moment away from solitair.

at the point in the day when the sun slanted and pointed directly in my eyes when i stood at the tile saw, when the teenage boy's relentless staring added to him mumbling things to his grandmother when she wasn't in the room, and the dogs barked uncontrollably. that's when we decided when the day was over.