when i grow up i want to be a...

i woke up this morning and decided to take a proactive step in my future, so, obviously, the first thing i did was take a (free) career aptitude test online. it wasn't until i was on question 77 that i realized that there were a total of 485, so i braced myself and continued.

for every question i had to decide whether the statement was

very inaccurate, not like me at all

moderately inaccurate, not like me

neither accurate or inaccurate

moderately accurate, like me

very accurate, much like me

some of the statements seemed obvious like 'take control of situations,' and 'like solving difficult problems.' but then others weren't so easy, like:

radiate joy - why not

express childlike joy - in what way?

try not to think about the needy - umm...

do improper things - not since i left london in 1922

make a mess of things - physically no, emotionally yes

sympathize with the homeless - eh, sometimes

let people pull my leg - what?

use my brain - ?

but i really wanted to see the results, so i answered as honestly as i could. and after filtering through and disregarding the multiple pages of ads, i finally reached them.

first, in the summation, it states, 'by the time you are 30 years old, your personality will be fairly set, so it is wise to make changes before that age if you can' (i'm 32). following this was an entire paragraph telling me that we all can't be winners, using a baseball metaphor and if that wasn't clear, stating 'if we were all leaders and none of us followers "we would have too many chiefs and not enough indians."'

my lowest score was in sociability and my highest scores were pleasantness and tranquility. i scored high in marketing, international activities, and animal care, and low in religious studies. and according to my profile, it looks like i would be 'well suited for a production position.'

so what is the specific career that's right for me and my personality?

YOUR TOP 3 IDEAL JOBS

We have compiled based on your personality profile the top 3 jobs most suited to you:

1. Funeral director

2. Forest and conservation technicians

3. Chemical engineer

funeral director: supervise embalming and cremation activities and funeral services. empathize with grieving relatives.

forest and conservation technicians: work under the direction of scientists to assist in the understanding and solution of problems related to conservation of forests and related resources, such as birds and fish.

chemical engineer: apply principles of advanced chemistry to develop and oversee the use of chemicals in a wide range of applications, such as cleaning solvents, paints, oil products, fuels, cosmetics and food products.

these vary slightly from the career path i've been on...

we'll call you...

every once in a while something happens where i seem to sink into a black whole of communication. no matter who i call or email, i don't hear back from anyone. not a soul. which makes me terribly paranoid that i may have inadvertently offended any number of people. but then the phase usually passes and life goes on.

well, the phase is upon me.

i'm currently waiting for a phone call from a director i was going to work with, the agent for my voiceover work (i'm not legally allowed to talk about this), and a company i did some editing for. - actually, i did hear from them. they haven't called because the actual program was completely cut and everyone lost their job. so, i suppose that wasn't all about me. - but no matter what, i always wonder if i unknowingly say or do something that results in a complete loss of work or respect.

back in december i applied to be a manager for a makeup counter in the mall. there were three initial phone interviews and because of my accounting and business background, they thought i seemed like a good candidate. but that was before the fourth and final phone interview - the personality test.

a woman called (i hadn't spoken to her before) and she sounded generally pissed. the first couple questions focused on how i came up with my customer service standards and i answered that it was from personal experience, and i went on to explain a situation in a certain mall at a certain time when she suddenly yelled, 'look! we have 75 questions. this is supposed to take an hour. that's it! so stop going on and on.' after that i gave as close to monosyllabic answers as i could, but then she would ask me to expand on the answers i thought were pretty final. such as...

'do you like yourself?'

'yes.'

'how do you know?'

'how do i know?'

'yes.'

'if i like myself?'

'yes.'

'in what way?'

'answer the question however you see fit.'

'how do i know if i like myself.'

'yes.'

'um...well, i know because i bathe everyday?'

'is that your answer?'

'sure.'

and then, in a related question:

'do other people like you.'

'yes.'

'how do you know?'

'because i do. i don't know. they tell me? or maybe because they've asked to associate with me on more than one occasion? i don't know.'

i didn't get the job. or another phone call. or anything.