more crazy

i interviewed today for the marketing coordinator position. it actually sounds pretty exciting. but when i handed over my resume i almost expected him to point to the door because they don't want crazy people working there.

but he didn't.

it terrifies me to go this far outside my 'dream,' but then again, who knows where the hell it could lead...

and it's not even like the job's been offered to me, so i'm just sitting here stressing or dreaming or thinking that a regular work week would be strange to have again...

but this is how it all began: he went into a wine shop where i had sent in my resume to work part time and he and the owner were talking and the owner said of all the people who had applied (70), i really stood out (even though i didn't even get called for an interview). and since then, "many" people have gone in to say that he should have hired me because I'm "amazing."

yeah...who knows...

but i guess it isn't any crazier than being offered the position of a school marm at a funeral.

classy and honest

one man's dream job is another man's prison...

looking for a wife without the marriage [aren't we all?]

I am a business owner on the north side of XXX and am looking for a personal assistant to make my life easier [who doesn't want a personal assistant?]. Your tasks will include grocery shopping, going to the dry cleaners, cooking once in a while, massage once in a while [define 'massage'], light cleaning - in return you will be paid hourly and also have the opportunity to go to nice restaurants ['when i allow you to leave the house'] and be taken care of ['by me...in a little room...where i shall ask you to wear this dress. this red dress. marjorie loved red...you look like marjorie.'] - I am a classy and honest person [clearly] and expect the same ['don't you dare lie to me'] - I am looking for someone professional in appearance so I would appreciate a professional photo [taken professionally in front of wallpaper trees and a plastic stump] - this is a dream job in my opinion! [he's right. i can't think of anything better...well, maybe as jame gumb's sewing assistant.]

• Compensation: WILL ADVISE [creepy] AT TIME OF INTERVIEW

now i shall sit and wait for this to (surprisingly) go awry and end up on the national news.

random

i got a call yesterday from a man who said he 'heard my name around town' and wanted to talk to me about a marketing coordinator position in his company.

crazy.

side note: i had to research what a 'marketing coordinator' does on wikipedia.

hit me with picks

i actually clicked on this ad because i wanted to know what a 'striper' was.

stripers

i run a escort service looking for new talent hit me with picks money is great

local celebrity

as you may or may not know, i am a theatre critic for a local weekly magazine. i love this gig, but am well aware of my (very) small contribution to the arts scene here in town.

so you can imagine my complete confusion when i checked my email this morning and read this:

We have our final...auditions this Saturday at 2pm on the Blue Ribbon Stage at the XXX State Fair and I was wondering if you would be available to be a judge??? Please say YES! J

Sorry for the last minute notice, one of our judges from last year who we’d invited back had to pull out and we need a new celebrity (XXX Theatre Critic/Queen) to fill in.

obviously, i cannot pass this up. at all. this is the kind of shit i live for.

(and yes i see that i am a last-minute replacement and who knows how many people turned them down before they lowered their standards and got to me. but hey.)

i've always wanted to be a 'celebrity judge' in any capacity. and to be one at the state fair, and on the blue ribbon stage no less, makes reality even better than the dream.

genius.

on a related note...if they read my bio out loud (yes, i had to turn in a bio) and i have to stand up and wave after the said bio, i will feel like a full fledged douche.

cat excrement and/or rat droppings

i like harry potter as much as the next guy, but...

"CALLING ALL WIZARDS!!!"

Greetings fellow wizards!

I am currently looking for a slew of wizards to assist me in my daily activities. Duties include, but are not limited to: quidditch, creating new potions and ethers, cleaning up owl droppings, cat excrement, and/or rat droppings. NO SLYTHERIN STUDENTS ALLOWED. SNAPE SUCKS! No first year students please, students of GRYFFINDOR preferred and are encouraged to apply. Must have own broomstick, and a sufficient wand. Please help me combat "HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED".

• Compensation: 7.25-9.00/HR depending on experience. Salary positions available!

a few questions:

1. ummmm...wtf?

2. how old is the person who wrote this ad?

3. is there an actual job involved?

4. did the word 'pedophilia' leap into anyone else's brain?

5. i'm only a hufflepuff, so does that mean i don't even have a chance?

6. how do i know this wasn't written by volde - 'he who shall not be named' just to lure us in?

7. will harry potter be there?

8. if i'm an excelled first year, can i still apply?

9. how can it possibly pay anything?

10. uh...still...wtf?

so, i wrote an inquiring email to the posting:

Hi,

I saw your ad on Craigslist and I am the wizard you are looking for!!! I'm a Hufflepuff, but still great friends with Gryffindors and I definitely want to combat "He Who Shall Not Be Named."

This sounds like the opportunity I've been waiting for and I can't wait to learn more!

What do I need to do?

Thanks,

laura latchkey copernicus

here's hoping i hear back.

explain how to play

the subliminal saving of your soul...

Lazer Force Lazer Tag Zone

Part time job offered... Job duties include

set up for lazer tag at beginning of day [sounds simple enough]

speaking in front of groups to explain how to play [this gives me anxiety at times, but i'll give it a shot]

monitoring lazer tag games [sure]

redemption [no problem]

stocking [my arm strength isn't - wait, did they say 'redemption'?]

clean up [still trying to figure out the redemption thing]

lug and tote

two things that make me nervous in life 1. when people call me by my name at unnecessary times. for instance, if i ask someone if they like their ice cream and they respond, 'yes, laura, i do.' i'm immediately taken aback and my stomach starts shaking. and 2. the first day of work because inevitably my impending duties, no matter how simple, completely overwhelm me.

(side note: i did not change one thing about this notice. no, not even the punctuation.)

Identify, Dismantle and Stock New and Used VW Parts

You will be dismantling, identifying, warehousing, stocking ,,labeling, putting into inventory, and stocking VW parts.

We have a warehouse full of VW parts accumulated over the last 30 some years. You have to help us stock and sell them. A day job . . . some flexibility in hours . . . must lug and tote . . .climb ladders . . .lift and carry 75# parts . . .most are not 75#. . . most are small . . . most parts are new but many are used. You may get dirty . . . a hands on job . . . . . . you must be fast on a computer . . . and you must be mechanically inclined . . .if you cannot figure out the left from the right and the front from the back caliper of a VW ,... sorry, save us both the pain . . .don't think I expect you to know everything but I expect you to know car parts. We don't expect you to be a mechanic.

the pauses are because the large, brute of a man must scream out the duties over all the machine noise as the fellow warehouse workers on break look up from their oily cheese sandwiches and stare blankly at the new girl whose sweaty palms clutch a notebook and pen.

you don't have to be nude

freshman year of college, innocently sitting in my dormitory, i got a phone call from a 'gentleman' who didn't ask my name, but upon picking up the phone asked for my shoe size. i told him (at the time i thought i wore a 9, but it turns out i wear a 71/2 or an 8 - long story). he then asked the size of my ankles and the height of my arches. i gestured to my roommate and we attempted to contain our laughter, especially when he asked me to find a hard surface to step on so i could tell him if i could fit a marble under my arch while standing. and then we hung up in uproarious laughter...i swear to everything holy i had no idea the caller on the other line was using this information for anything sexual.

but since i've had some experience in the area, this ad caught my eye:

Pretty Girls Needed For Thursday Foot Fetish Event ($300 - $400 avg)

We are looking for very attractive girls with pretty feet [are corns pretty?] to get paid $300 - $400 per night to have their feet massaged [who doesn't love a good foot massage?] and kissed [wait...] at our weekly foot fetish events including one coming up this Thursday (August 19th) at 7pm! The work is very fun [i like fun - check], easy [i hate anything challenging - check], you don't have to be nude [i love wearing clothes at a fetish party where i'm the fetish - check check check] and it is 100% legal [wait. i wasn't even wondering, but now that you've brought it up...]. If you are interested in joining our team and being a part of this Thursday's event in an upscale nightclub- please send an email with all three of the following:
1. Your name
2. Your photo [of my feet?]
3. Your phone number
MUST BE 21 AND OLDER TO APPLY!!!
We look forward to speaking with you soon,
Georgiana

hmm...so, i'm off to buy marbles.

easy as pie

One day, cash, easy,

just help me count and ag 100 pieces of inventory, easy as pie, takes abut 3 hours. 20 bucks. Thanks!

a. is the reason it's so easy because they already know how much inventory needs to be counted?

b. why does it take 3 hours to count to 100?

c. is 'ag' a verb?

bush hoggin

i love people who don't beat around the bush.

I need someone to come bush hog and weed eat for 8 hours tomorrow (August 12) from 8am-4pm. I can rent a walk-behind bush hog, and I have the weed eater. I live in XXXXX. This job pays $100. Please call if interested: XXX XXX XXXX

la france est absolument incroyable

j'ai eu l'occasion d'aller en france en raison de la bonté de mon meilleur ami et de pitié. Il a été incroyable et belle et jolie et radicale. je suis très reconnaissant d'avoir cette vie.