driving miss bag lady

two days of being a chauffeur.

day 1

i picked up the rental car (black and fancy and i think a chrysler) and drove back home to don myself in my black trousers and white top and 'spackle the hag' (ie put on makeup - don't want anyone to think it's something inappropriate). I loaded the car with m&m almonds and water and then missed the entrance ramp because i was too enthralled with the satellite radio. i probably lost twenty minutes.

soon on the road i realized that i needed coffee. and bad (thank you argentina for creating this dependence). so, after taking multiple exits in search of any establishment close to the interstate, i finally purchased (and later felt queasy from) a mocha frappe at micky d's.

then a gentleman at my destination called to ask if i could pick up the bag lady at 3pm, thirty minutes earlier than scheduled and i, of course, said, 'that's absolutely no problem.' and then he asked me how i got started being a chauffeur (because why not have a little chat?). i told him i had just done it a couple times. and then he informed me that his roommate wanted to be a chauffeur and had all the required licenses for it (didn't know there were required licenses) and i told him that really, i had no idea how to get...started...and it was just getting weird. so we got off the phone.

then i hit some construction and traffic, so i got to call the gentleman again and inform him that i would probably pick up the bag lady fifteen minutes later than she wanted, but still fifteen minutes earlier than scheduled. fine fine.

i thought i was actually giving myself such a huge window, that i would definitely be earlier than i told him, but i would have enough time to stop at a restroom and fill up the gas tank before picking her up. (rule 1 of chauffeuring is you never stop for gas or your own bathroom needs when a client is in the car. good times and great busted kidneys.)

so i was finally getting close. a couple spare waters in the front seat in case the bag lady was thirsty, a full tank of gas, a nice fancy dancy car, and five minutes between us.

and then, oh yes, and then, traffic stopped. stopped. like 'put the car in park and think of people you might want to text' stopped.

i called the gentleman and told him to inform the bag lady of the situation (it was now 3:05). they all understood and i hung out in the car and listened to satellite radio as a torrential downpour began. crazy rain. cr-azy.

45 minutes later (yes, 45 minutes) traffic began to move. i got into town and finally picked up the bag lady about an hour after she had wanted to be picked up. and what's really funny is that they locked her out of the place where she had been speaking, so she stood under an awning waiting for me the entire time i was in traffic. so we were both in great moods.

(oh, so the bag lady. ummmm, i'm not sure why this woman is described as such unless casual banana republic capris and loose silk tops are common among the homeless. by these standards, i'm a street urchin.)

we drove through more rain - crazy downpours - and loads of construction, but we made it in less than three hours. and during the ride there was very little conversation, since i was 'the help' after all. and when she got in the car she said she didn't mind if i turned on the radio to stay awake. and because i'm a dork i said i didn't need it on. why? probably because in my mind i was pretending that i really was a chauffeur and this is just what i did. i drive in silence and don't get ruffled by anything ala morgan freeman in 'driving miss daisy.'

so we drove in silence except the few times she spoke to say, 'can you believe this rain,' that her granddaughter is living with her for the summer, and to inform me that she's blind in one eye.

it was kind of like a long (3 hour) meditation. a meditation where you're actually operating a large motor vehicle.

day 2

the bag lady called this morning and said she wanted to be picked up two hours earlier than scheduled, so i headed out, giving myself about 30-45 minutes extra for traffic, construction, etc.

about a half hour away she called and said she was ready - an hour before she said (and three hours earlier than originally scheduled).

but she was grateful that i was close, so it all worked out. and she had a 'horrible group,' and just couldn't wait for the week to be over.

the drive was silent again. and for some reason even with the iced coffee from starby's and a shorter drive than yesterday, it was hard - really really hard - to stay awake. what did i do, you may ask, to stay alert and aware on the road when the radio, phone, and talking to myself was not an option?...tighten my butt muscles. seriously. and it worked.

we made it into town without incident, and as we neared her hotel, i found out she's from columbia, sc. i told her i had just been there and she asked why and i said (and seriously, this makes me question what my problem is) 'i was there because a film my brother was in got into a film festival there.' why did i not mention the film i was in? why did i not say i was there because i did something that brought me there, instead of saying that i was a passive bystander to someone else's life and career?... apparently i took a freakishly extreme vow of modesty and dork as a young child.

anyhoo,

after dropping off the bag lady for the last time, i met up with the nice german woman, turned in the car, got paid a bit more than expected, and now i'm back in my little hobbit house.

all in all, a nice couple days.