really tired

have to finish a paper for school, but at least today was a relatively early day. i can still see daylight.

tonight, though, the director's grandparents are having everyone over cocktails (shrimp and alcoholic).

i'm tired and kind of on the verge of tears just because i'm so tired. but it's a good tired. i spend a lot of time on the phone and driving and running errands and picking up actors (one in particular decided to 'jump' in the shower when i called and said i was five minutes away. another one would only do a scene for a case of diet rite and then refused to do multiple takes because it wasn't his thing.)

i got to be an actor today and felt like i sucked. so that was annoying. (i usually feel like i'm doing something wrong and that my name is starting to mean 'dumbass mcdumbass,' but hey. i can't tell.)

and then the director was almost arrested because we shot at an apartment complex without permission (hilarious).

and i'm really sunburnt and look like someone who actually goes in the sun.

more and more fun

today went a bit better. we started late, but got a lot done. and i got sun burnt.

here's a picture from today's shoot:

the closest is oscar doing sound, then the director zack, and sitting (you can only see his back) is the dp, brett. the four of us make up the crew and i'm standing back from this for a few reasons:

a) a lot of what i do is make phone calls and organize and get stuff together and stare at the schedule or shot list for hours until i have it memorized.

b) this is at the end of a hallway in a trailer and the space is pretty limited.

c) most importantly, in this photo they are filming a man taking a bath and his alligator hanging out around the toilet...with nothing blocking the alligator's escape. nothing. at all. - so mama stayed back.

and there's more tomorrow.

filming

i'll take 'what i didn't think i would be doing when i woke up this morning' for $500 alex...

what is...driving a ginormous truck to a pet store to purchase a live rat to feed an alligator.

and it begins

we start filming tomorrow (actually, they shot a couple scenes today, but i couldn't make it due to my mentor obligations.)

but tomorrow begins the 8am calls and standing and waiting and shooting and reshooting and take after take and last minute problems and driving all over the surrounding counties in search of an obscure prop we forgot and the weather being too hot or too cold or too sunny or too rainy and the alligator not cooperating and a car breaking down and last minute conflicts by the actors and location problems and everything short of a major catastrophe.

can't wait. seriously. i cannot wait. this is the shit i look forward to...

saturday...continued

set out to organize my desk and ended up cleaning my entire house...

looks like someone doesn't want to write her essay for school.

saturday

my goal today is organization. i have so many projects and files and papers and scripts and hard drives and tapes and notebooks and calendars and...well, my office (dining area/room) is piled with crap.

i'm going to forgo sitting at my computer for just a bit to get this stuff organized and feel like i'm in control again (ie for the first time). -but it's a lot of fun.

happily ever after

a friend sent me this...an interesting interpretation of the realistic fairy tale ending.

crazy time indeed

shooting this morning went pretty well. freezing and rainy, the establishment had an odor, and one of the (very minor) roles didn't show up so i had to step in - hilarious. but it went pretty well.

i found an apartment for next week's shoot. called a place i found on craigslist (my go-to place for everything) and the building happens to be owned by a man i cast in my first short film some six years ago. he said i could do anything i wanted. which is very very cool. - (thank you amy for the suggestions)

then, out of the blue, i got a call to do some radio voiceover work. they haven't called since december, even though i've reminded them of my existence a few times, so it was a nice surprise of a paycheck and a relief that they don't hate me or i didn't accidentally or subliminally scream something inappropriate on the air at some point.

and then (this really has been a crazy day) i got a call to set up an interview to start working one on one with kids. the mother of the little girl i worked with recommended me and i left a message a couple weeks ago, but i hadn't heard anything so i completely wrote them off. but the interview's in a couple weeks and i'm really excited - and stressed. there's a seven page application (understandably) and one of the things they ask is to list every job i've had in the last ten years...so...pretty much, i'm screwed. - but it was fun while it lasted. seriously, when i have to list all my jobs and then all my previous residences i look like i'm on the run...hopefully my charm will help them overlook the facts.

crazy wonderful crazy time

the amazing world of movie-making...

tomorrow morning we're shooting at the aforementioned industrious coffeehouse, then i gets to drive 'round scouting locations (anyone know of a great apartment complex with a pool?), then i get to beg and plead and attempt to get free or discount food for production next week, then i get to write an article for work, then i get to watch a picture-show for school.

braz-illiant!

i just hope i don't royally screw anything up.

harold...it's a present

watched part of 'harold and maude' last night.

this was the first film my mother took me to see in a theater when i was about six. we never watched children's films or disney flicks or anything like that (actually, my aunt and uncle took me to see pinocchio around the same time and it freaked the shit out of me). but i've always wondered if it was a conscious decision by my mother to take me to this specific film, or if it was simply that it happened to be playing within walking distance at an old art house theater and she just wanted an afternoon break - either way, it had an impact.

because of her and that one afternoon, i now find films like 'harold and maude,' 'hoosiers,''malcolm,' and 'tootsie' as comforting and familiar as my grandmother's quilts.

lazy monday

the cold weather lingers - and it was so nice this weekend.

but i have some editing work to keep me company and i get to search out this town for a bearskin rug.

holy mother

met with the new director at a coffeeshop that he's shooting in. i believe this place prides itself on the 'eh, anything goes, just be cool' mentality. when the director asked if they would be open on thursday at 9am, the employee - a tall drink of water, lanky and attired in jean shorts and suspenders (as one would expect) - stared at the director for a long time and then said, 'i don't know. maybe.'

and then we ordered coffee. i ordered a medium, decaffeinated cafe au leit and the young gentleman asked how to make it. i tried to explain, not knowing what details he was missing, but he nodded like he understood and then i reminded him to make it a decaf...

---just remembered one summer i spent as a bartender. i knew not how to make any drink and often asked the customers to walk me through it. usually worked, except for pina colladas.---

um...so yeah, i don't think the 'decaf' specification was met because at the moment it feels like my heart might soon explode. as the meeting with the director progressed i began to talk faster and faster and ended every (arbitrary and ridiculous) anecdote by lifting my shoulders and saying, 'so we'll see how it goes.' - and i believe i acquired a facial tic on the walk back to my car.

but it looks like fun - the film. i think. my brain is apparently reacting to the hard core crank coursing through my body right now so i don't really know if i'm thinking clearly or not or what i'm even thinking about, but i have a lot of work to do this week, but it's all film related, which is a lot of fun - and i think it's going to be...just lost my train of thought.

the rain falls, and the sky is gray and i should watch one of the films i need to watch for school ('harold and maude' and 'you can count on me'), but that seems particularly difficult right now. reason being i don't remember how to work the dvd player. and the idea of sitting down and watching something and not doing anything makes me want to cry. maybe i'll jog in place.

i am right now reminded why i do not usually or voluntarily consume caffeine. it is not fun and i will probably not sleep for another - not another - for the next three days and when i try to sleep i'll lie down and my heart will continue to race and i'll become really jumpy and talk incessantly about the color of throw pillows or the history of 'the carol burnette show.' who knows. but thanks, young fella, for your delightful clothing choices and your knowledge of coffees and listening to my order and quite possibly causing my heart to fail. i salute you, dear one.

okay, i need to watch footage and see if i need to reshoot this week - and i really don't want to because that would suck. really suck.

okay, this is it. the end.

fuck.

side note - the owner of the establishment is running for mayor because apparently we live in crazy town.

and again

don't know what the hell is going on, but a director (never met) just called and asked me to work on another film project to start this week.

crazy.

brilliant and wonderful.

but crazy.

blue skies

gorgeous day.

drove around this entire city, or at least part of it, and took some exciting photos of apartment complexes. i sent them to the director, but since i haven't heard back from him yet, i (obviously) believe that he thinks i'm ridiculously idiotic and is questioning why he placed me in this position to begin with.

i loooooove anxiety with a twist of paranoia.

but now i'm off to corydon to see 'thumbelina.'

frisday

tomorrow i gets to drive 'round this fun ol' town and search out some things for the short film that's coming up.

i must find the following:

a middle aged man who looks like he'd be a questionable landlord

a truck that 'could be owned by someone who'd be kicked out of a trailer park'

various apartment complexes - one of which must have a pool

and then i drive north (not sure how far) to see a play that my niece has directed.

and i shall do all this in my trusty volvo wagon, ruthann, who was injured recently. i walked out to find her the other day with the driver side mirror gone. all that remains are a few wires, forever reaching for the limb that is lost.

fin again...

i rewrote the end of my script. again.

i can never tell if what i'm writing is trite or interesting or obvious or subtle or anything. but i think this new version may be hopeful (hopefully).

but it might also change another five times.

thanks for taking the time...

got a call from the woman who interviewed me for the receptionist/editor position (editor not included) and she informed me that i did not get the job. - i'm sure this comes as a shock to all.

but she was really sweet and i felt bad for thinking she was flighty, and then she said,

'you know, you were right, we do need someone full time.'

after hanging up, i sat, completely confused about what i was 'right' about. and then i remembered. during the interview i said - and i'm not joking - i said,

'is the position full or part time?'

seriously. i really, truly said that.

and apparently, i was right.

today

still overcast. seriously.

have to head out for the evening to take notes on a rehearsal of a play i'm taping and then editing together. could potentially be extremely painful or i'll get a lot of texting done.

just when i'd given up hope...

i might have some film work coming down the line.

got a call yesterday from a director who's heading back to town to make a film.

he originally wanted to shoot last fall, but funding fell through. he bumped the schedule to the spring, but again (you guessed it) found funding problems. - this is just part of the fun of filmmaking, so i was about to write the entire thing off.

but he called yesterday with the new plan - make a short to help raise money for the feature.

my part in all this will be as the first a.d.,which i've never attempted before, so i'm really excited. and when i talked to the director yesterday, we talked about funding and i jumped in with some ideas and thought of a couple people i could write to (i suppose i could have thought of these people before yesterday, but for some reason i didn't see myself as having any connections whatsoever). so, along with getting my first a.d. feet wet, i might also get a producing credit.

exciting. especially if the film(s) actually gets made.

overcast

cold. rainy. achy weather.

lots to do today, but don't really feel like doin a damn thing.

(i feel like this is becoming a theme.)

days gone by

i quit my temp job in new york and started working with special needs children. it was completely different because the work reacted to life instead of going on despite it. and it made me get out of my own head. i realized that sometimes it was nice to have priorities that didn't directly affect my own person. and even if there were bad days, there were many many many many many more good ones.

i remembered that today as i babysat for a six year-old little girl. and it was great. it was a quiet morning of laziness on a sofa and a loud afternoon of stories and dancing.

because of multiple strokes at birth, she has great difficulty using her right hand and her speech is not very developed. and the highlight of my day (or maybe week) was watching her slowly and methodically grasp a door handle, turn it, and open a door.

it's interesting and just made me stop and think for a moment and wonder if it might be a glimpse at something in my future, or maybe just a nice reminder of my past.

this weekend...

...i'm babysitting, editing, kickboxing, reviewing a play, grilling out (weather permitting), going to the flea market, watching some friends perform in their new band, heading to the park, and hopefully sleeping...

good times.

opportunity of a lifetime!

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thanks for coming in...

had the interview.

okay, first let me say that in my younger days i was a master at the job interview. not really sure what i did, but somehow i landed the job i needed every time. i had a charm about me. i think it's called 'a naive and optimistic outlook on life.' but whatever it was, it has passed.

it probably started with the fact that i wore jeans. i have never in my life worn jeans to a job interview, but (and this is a ridiculous excuse) my favorite boots broke, or at least the zipper did, and all of my other shoes look really dorky (more than usual) with my 'dressy professional casual' look that i usually attempt. so i wore jeans. not crappy jeans, but jeans nonetheless...and when we sat down, the first thing she said was, 'i noticed you were wearing jeans. did you know we had a dress code?'

'oh, no. i wasn't aware of it.'

'do you have a problem with...a...dress...code?' she looked like she would cry if i said yes.

'no, of course not. no.'

'i think i might get everyone shirts - company shirts. could you - would that be...maybe something you would -'

'sure. great.'

so, if i get the job - and take it - i should get those boots fixed to go with the dress code.

the woman who interviewed me 'was no bigger than a midget.' actually she was a bit bigger, but she was tiny and mousy and she laughed at strange times. and while waiting for my answers she stared with a wide frozen smile, which terrified me - what if i gave the wrong answer and she had a psychotic break or something? she asked me what i expected to make hourly and i told her and i thought she might pee herself (and please let it be known it was not a ridiculous amount). so i began to give really timid answers and pretty much forgot how to form a sentence altogether.

i turned into one of those strange shaky puffy women who smiles and laughs at inappropriate times. part of it was a reaction to the woman interviewing me. and part of it was because when i walked into the establishment i got the strange feeling that i would rather wake up in a tub of ice with a kidney missing than work there. but at the same time, i really wanted the interview to go well.

- and here's another thing - they were not hiring editors. they were looking for someone who might some day want to learn editing. at the moment they're only hiring a receptionist. and so the entire interview seemed slightly inappropriate and a waste of everyone's time (i'm sorry if it's horrible of me to not want a job as a receptionist, said the catholic who took a vow of poverty).

but as the interview continued, i tried to press the point that i am familiar with film editing and the software involved because of my background in filmmaking, but this seemed to confuse her for some reason. i talked a little about my background in writing, producing, and editing and she kept talking about how neat it must be to know so many actors. and i said that yes, actors are wonderful people (sometimes), but that...it's... - and then i couldn't figure out what the hell we were talking about. seriously, nothing made sense.

and then she asked me how i liked being a photographer.

who knows...

laura? hi, thanks for comin in...

yes, i am (kind of) proud to announce that i have a job interview tomorrow.

not exactly sure what the job entails - hours, wages, responsibilities, duties, etc - but, hey, why should that stop me?

i'm kind of excited because what i do know is that film editing is somehow involved - but this should not be confused with editing film (i.e. creativity is not involved).

my thoughts regarding the possibility of this new job:

- a steady paycheck is always good.

- meeting new people is good.

- i can look at it as a job in my field, but there's a greater chance that it's akin to wanting to be a zoologist and settling for a job at the zoo's concession stand.

- i'm not exactly in a place to be picky.

- it's somewhat close to home.

- there's a chance that it's on a bus route so i can be all responsible and socially inept in an interestingly 'quirky' way.

- i will not be able to watch as many law&order episodes as i yearn to do. (is this good or bad?)

- it could actually impair my ability to take on freelance opportunities.

- it breaks the maja requirement of 'time flexibility.' - although, again, have not actually interviewed and know very little about the position.

so...i'm just stressin.

and what's really funny is that i'm thinking of this as if the job were already offered to me. oh, the fun of delusion.

(please see me when i am not offered the job and i think back on this (unclear) opportunity as the greatest missed chance of my life.)

congratulations!!

the actual awards seem to become more and more tedious and less important as the years go by, but for those winning i'm sure it's anything but trivial.

so i'd like to give a big shout out to all the winners and nominees (that's an honor too), but especially a big hurrah to kathryn bigelow - first woman to win for best director.

wow. and it only took eighty years.

only four women have even been nominated in this category before. yeah. four. i know. crazy.

1976 Lina Wertmuller, Seven Beauties

1993 Jane Campion, The Piano

2003 Sofia Coppola, Lost in Translation

2009 Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

and the award goes to...

someone who i probably wasn't aware was nominated - for some reason, i haven't been following oscar buzz at all this year.

of the films nominated for best screenplay (both original and adapted), i've only seen 'district 9,' 'an education,' 'precious,' 'and up in the air.' and they're all really amazing and admirable and fascinating. and different (the protagonists in these four films would probably never be in a situation where they would meet each other).

i'm excited for whoever takes home the statue and all that, but right now i don't know if i should go to a big glitzy party or stay home and drink a glass of wine with a friend as we watch the awards and catch up on gossip.

hmmm...

tough decision.

fin

will definitely have to do another draft and work out some major details - research, etc., but i am proud to announce that the script is done. d-o-n-e...for now.

hmm...

lots of work due tomorrow.

ending

this is way, way, way too over-dramatic to actually write and express so please forgive me, but...i really hate writing the death of a character.

just in case...

...you want to cry and don't have a reason, watch 'the trip to bountiful.'

horton foote, master of nostalgia (without being sweet).

life lessons

i've learned a great deal during these crappy, overcast, damp cold days we call winter. and i thought, you know, since i'm now a mentor, it's time i share my wisdom and help others learn from my experiences.

so if you find yourself in a winter funk, whatever happens, DO NOT:

check facebook info and compare yourself with old classmates. everyone puts their best foot (face) forward, which means that everyone appears happy and successful no matter what's really going on in their lives.

believe that your hair actually looks better if you go that extra day without washing it. it doesn't.

avoid washing dishes. this might be tough, but seriously, the more the dishes pile up, the worse you'll feel.

eat batter.

stand in direct sunlight in front of a mirror while holding an infant. it's true, the children are our future. they are sweet and hopeful and loving and beautiful and wonderful and will make you look haggard. yes, haggard, wrinkled, chapped, and angry.

leave the house wearing anything resembling sleep attire. just don't. pajama bottoms are not cute. the heels hang over your old, worn clogs and dirty on the concrete. and you'll catch your reflection and see that your ass appears wide, flat, and large.

go to the grocery. seems counter-intuitive, i know. but you will regret every single purchase you make and inevitably - inevitably - you'll run into someone from your youth who's now a pilates instructor and looks really, really put together (i.e. bathed recently).

i hope this helps.

stay strong.

secret ambition

my secret goal in life is to be a character on 'law & order' - not an actor on the show, mind you, but one of the characters.

i want to (in a last-minute and unapproved decision) go undercover as a wealthy upper eastside woman and follow a lead into a bodega in spanish harlem where i have to dodge empty cardboard boxes thrown at me and finally tackle a kid on the run and read him his rights en espanol.

i want to sit in the interrogation room with a sexist perp and my partner who feigns misogyny to coax out a confession, and just to make it really realistic he yells at me, 'i bet you're on the rag you man-hating b@*!h!' (it's all an act because my partner and i are so in sync.)

and then, because i'm tough, the captain threatens to take my badge - i'm way too passionate and cross the line too often (and kind of break the law on a regular basis), but then he says he'd do the same thing if he were in my shoes.

and then when i finally get a chance to go home, after what seems like seven sleepless nights, i grab my jacket from my locker and exchange borderline witticisms with my colleagues just as a nameless cop runs in to tell us that an escaped junkie shot someone in the lobby. - and it starts all over again.

that's the life.

and, i think, a lofty aspiration.