hey rookie!

you were good.

my favorite movies are the ones where people accidentally discover their life's purpose - where a frat boy doing community service discovers a gift for working with special needs children, or, you know, the whole erin brockovich thing. well, i always wanted that to happen to me.

and yet it's not like i'm without drive. i'm not indecisive by any means about what i want to do with my life, not ambiguous at all. i'm actually pretty clear what my ideal profession is. but the thing is, i've been pretty clear many times before. when i was 22 i was an actor and there was no discussion about it. my life was about character and rehearsal and auditions, but now i couldn't really give two shits about it. and merely two years ago, i considered various mba programs. i was actually told i had a knack for accounting and business and i thought that, well, if i can stomach it, it would at least lead to a better income.

as for right now, i'm pretty sure this is it. i think this is actually what i've been terrified to do my entire life and finally (thanks to being laid off and a zillion other factors) i'm doing it - to some extent. and the only internal assurance i have is that it's not a passing fancy.

but, hypocritical to the fact that i hate being told what to do, sometimes i romanticize the idea of some mystical authority figure coming into my life and, well, telling me what to do - what job to take, what opportunity to seize. instead i have me. it's gotten me this far, which i suppose isn't all that bad. but looking back at my life, at all the mistakes and pitfalls, ridiculous detours and accidents, i wonder where a shortcut would have taken me. what would my life have been like if some voice had come out of the ether and told me to do something - anything...build a baseball field, feed the hungry, paint the ceiling of a church...

first, would i have listened and then, if i had been blessed with that 'shortcut,' would i naively yearn for that bumpy and more interesting road?

...wait. a voice whispering from the ether telling me what to do is probably way more interesting than any crazy shit that's happened in my life so far. so, if there is some voice out there (maybe hovering over a cornfield somewhere in iowa), wishing to tell me what to do or validate this road i'm on, by all means, please, validate.