yesteryears

went to a poetry reading tonight and a woman in her late 30s read something she wrote in college. she said she was 'shocked' to think she wrote it at that age, but she didn't really explain why she was shocked - how good it was, how bad it was, how it revolved around sex (big surprise) - but she was, nevertheless, shocked. what shocked me was that someone actually looked at the work they produced in college and saw it as something to show off.

oh, college. sweet, sweet college. it's a strange time in life. everyone feels like they are on the verge of breaking records, exposing their genius, exploring the depths of humankind never before attempted. but really, it's mostly self-indulgent mediocre work we have to slop through to actually get to what we're working towards. and soon enough we realize that we have tons - TONS - to learn. there is so much to learn that it's actually impossible to even comprehend during an average four year stint.

but, on the other hand, it's invigorating to have that strange sense of immortality - artistically speaking. to feel that everyone has the potential to write that play that changes american theatre, direct 'the crucible' to be something greater than it already is, or act with such fervor in a production of 'pippin' that people remember the performance and tell their grandchildren about it.

i think sometimes i miss that. i spend so much of my time doubting lately, that it would be nice to have that blind confidence again - for maybe just one brief moment.

but, if i do get that moment, please - please - don't let me stand at a podium and read about it to others.