love cuts just like a knife

the possible opportunity of being a drug mule made me realize that part time work was an untapped market. i had been looking for temporary gigs, but maybe a steady part time job would work just as well. so i went to one of those job search websites and found an ad for part time work that catered to college students, recent graduates, and others looking to supplement their income.

after i sent in my resume, a very, very perky girl phoned and asked me to come in for an interview. i asked what the company was, if they were a placement agency, escort service, etc and she said it was indeed not a placement agency, but a company hiring customer service reps. so i hopped over for an interview.

the building stood in a sprawling office park and the front doors opened to a large airy lobby with marble floors (good first impression). and then i stepped foot into the office and jane child's 'don't wanna fall in love' cranked on a stereo in the corner. clearly, i walked into a fortune 500 company...



i think the shock was obvious on my face because the three people sitting in folding chairs answered my unasked questions - i was to fill out a form on a clipboard sitting on a table to my right. i plunked down and filled out the form and waited until the manager called me and another girl back to his office for the pre-interview. he looked over our forms and asked what we thought our communication skills were on a level from 1-10 (i said 8, because really, i never know how to answer questions like that). he thanked us and asked us to return to the folding chairs and wait.

and then the interview/application/lecture/info-mercial/class began. one at a time, he asked us to sit around the desk, specifying the angle and distance. walking up to the desk i realized what the company was all about - yep, you guessed it...knives.

for two hours (seriously) we sat, took notes, and answered vague questions. and then he cut a penny with the scissors and gave each of us the opportunity to cut a piece of leather and rope with a knife. throughout, the six of us took copious notes about the history of the company and the commission system they had. we learned about where the knives were made and why they were much better quality than any other. and, like the idiots of any info-mercial, we talked about how wonderful the knives were and applauded their amazing abilities. and every once in a while the manager addressed question to someone by name, like 'laura, what do you think is the highest selling product?' - luckily simone started speaking so i let her answer for me. he told us that the company had a 'comma club' and asked shelly what she thought it meant. following a long pause, shelly answered 'people who make a million dollars?' and when asked why some of the sales reps might decide to keep the knives after they no longer work for the company, tracy answered 'to kind of like stick it to 'em, like get off my back, or up yours?' the answer the manager was looking for was 'because they like the product.' i have five pages of notes and still don't understand it all.

- my cousin billy sold knives one summer and made our entire family pile into my grandmother's kitchen so he could show us his presentation and sales pitch. we stayed until he left crying. -

at the end of the lecture, we were excused to go back to sitting against the wall. the manager walked around and showed us all his wristwatch and asked us if we were good on time. we were asked to fill out yet another form and were to see him one at a time so he could tell us if we got the job or not (based on eye contact, participation, posture, and if we smiled enough during the lecture). the form asked point blank if we wanted the job, and i said no - commission work ain't my thing. i walked into his office and he saw the form and thanked me for coming in.

i wonder if i would have gotten the job.