womans

i like job postings that are clear up front.

very large busty woman wanted

100 for sitting fee we pay you for womans calender being made serious females only please cup size bigger than e please forward a picture to us cash up front

yet another moment in my life i wish i had a bigger chest and lower standards. i could use a hundred bucks right now.

looks like i'm goin' to utah

so, i got some news over the holiday weekend...

it seems that the alligator movie i worked on back in the spring, that i believe i got a 'co-producer' credit on because we really didn't know what else to call me, well...

- okay, this is crazy to write -

...it got into sundance.

yep, that sundance.

paper and pictures

for anyone who's detail-oriented and looking for an exciting career in textiles...

Origami Expert Needed

I have a book with paper and pictures of how to fold an origami train. Small job for you, impossible for me.

it's only part-time. no compensation is listed, but i'm sure it would be worthwhile.

the taxpayers

i love response posts.

RE: Overnight sitter

15 dollars for the night... honey this aint india anymore 15 dollars will cover the calories you use watching ur kid. im gonna help you out if you want people to watch him the going rate for a cheap sitter is 10 an hour

it's true. this is no longer india.

RE;MOTHER'S HELPER

ARE YOU FOR REAL? 5 DOLLARS AN HOUR FOR COOKING, CLEANING, IRONING AND TAKING CARE OF YOUR KID? AT LEAST OFFER MINIMUM WAGE, AND EVEN THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!

ironing would set me over the edge too. but not everyone is that expressive. the meek have a voice too.

re PC Technician

15 per hour is not much to live on. how can anyone survive on that

ah, the meek. they shall get a handsome income someday when they finally get that inheritance.

Re: Full time Technician (roadtohell) (Communist’s Dreamland)

Here is another one XXXXX

with $14 /hour, but there is a catch – in addition to Active Directory, GPOs, firewalls, sales experience and certifications, they want you to use your own car and have clean driving record. This is f**n’ unbelievable!!!

Next thing you know, they'll want you to pay them for employing you...

is it the clean driving record that's most "f**n' unbelievable!!!"

RE: Drrivers Wanted

Besides the fact that this place advertises constantly (3rd time just this week) in a field (courier/messinger) where the majority of companies have lost up to half of their business (so they basically "COLLECT" drivers just in case they have a busy day every now and then) rumor has it that we (the taxpayers) basically financed their kids summer vacation (layoff from the family business ,collects unemployment so they don't have to pay him, & is suddenly now back with the company).

i (too) am a fan of parenthesis. without the parenthesis, he said,

Besides the fact that this place advertises constantly in a field where the majority of companies have lost up to half of their business rumor has it that we basically financed their kids summer vacation.

who (for one) is spreading that rumor? i thought summer vacations were free (even poor children have them).

RE:RE:==Windows 7 deployment technician needed! Limited experience (roadtohell)

$12 an hour was the old rate, now it is $10 an hour.

Just take the job and then just steal what ever is not nailed down. And make sure you steal data. Their competition will pay you for their customer list and other info. *.pst files are loaded with useful data.

If they do not fairly compensate you for your skills, then turn your skills againts them.

um...

remove removal

do you ever have to repeat yourself to get noticed?

removal of small rock pile

remove small rock pile

removal small rock pile

remove small rock pile

and sometimes one word can make all the difference.

non-sexual

craigslist ads, sooner or later, always find their way to the stripper/pole dancer/prostitute in so many words positions and, to be honest, it gets old. but sometimes something strikes me as strange.

for ins...

Hiring non-sexual escorts for immediate work [they amazingly make the word 'non-sexual' seem sexual and perverted]

XXXX's #1 Agency for your Bachelor Party Dancers, Escorts, Private Parties and 1 on 1's in the XXXX area [because nothing here, in any way, seems like it would lead to any type of sexual situation whatsoever]

We are very private - and anyone over 18 is welcome to apply. [are these two thoughts connected?]

This is legal, legit and non-sexual companionship. [this is overreaching]

We are currently looking for independent escorts (ages 18 and over) looking to be a part of our team and make some [?] great income! [i'm over 18, looking to be a part of a team, and want to make 'some great income,' and what's more fun is that i love non-sexual situations!]

Email us your name, age, telephone number and at least two photos to [nothing comes after 'to']
(Please send photos before you call to set up a time to come in) [understandable]

We need girls able to start immediately.
If you can come in for an interview tonight, you can start tonight. [i can interview and start tonight? bingo bango]

non-sexual is natural. non-sexual is fun. not everybody does it. but everybody should.

infomation avaiable

just some things i noticed

Babysitter Avaiable

Infomational Surveys

1995 GMC Sierra 1500 sle($2,200) [found in etc. jobs]

i wish them all good luck.

renting chocolate

i like chocolate and i like partying. hmm, i wonder if there's something out there just for me...

Chocolate, Partying. Need I Say More?

Chocolate, Partying.
Need I say More?
You can actually make money by renting chocolate fountains and attending events/parties.

If you're interested, please email resume.
Please email any questions or concerns.

• Compensation: $25-$30 per chocolate fountain rental.

i believe that yes, you need say more.

question(s): do i just lug this fountain to random 'events/parties'? do i need an invite? will people pay me once i arrive because i brought the coolest, oversized piece of shit? if it is such a hit at parties, can i go back in time and gift it to my even dorkier self - and perhaps change history and become really cool all because of a chocolate fountain rental and time travel?

i believe it can be summed up by the genius that is 'some kind of wonderful':

"to win big, you gotta do what?"

"lose."

"lose big. what are we doin now?"

"we're losin big."

back in old napoli, that's zamboni

how many times can you say 'zamboni' before the word becomes meaningless?

Zamboni Driver - Ice Rink

Part-time Zamboni drivers wanted for ice rinks in XXX. Must have valid drivers license and able to drive and operate Zamboni. Please reply and answer the following questions [zamboni]. 1. What town do you [zamboni] live in? 2. Do you have a car? 3. Where did you learn how to drive the Zamboni?

We will contact potential employees with a [zamboni] phone interview.

i hope they do more than a phone interview. yikes.

peanuts

i recently had to help a friend post something on craigslist and this is not a simple task.

Re: Household Help Part Time THIS IS EXACTLY A SLAVE JOB! ($8/hr? WOW)

Crazy lady.

• Location: $8/hr? WOW
• Compensation: peanuts

so if you're going to go through all that work anyway, i mean, come on...give us a little more of a rant than that.

15 minutes of fame

it's always when i'm stuck in traffic, trying to head out of town to get to an audition three hours away for a part that i'm probably not gonna get anyway that i question what the hell i'm doing with my life.

and yesterday was no different.

i'm always early. always. it's an annoying trait and the reason i always have work or a book to read to help pass the time. so, when i do head down to music city usa, i usually get there about an hour before anyone is expecting me, so i wander. and because of this, i've been able to get to know the streets of nashville a bit.

and thank god because yesterday went all to hell.

because of my trend of being early, i decided to push my departure time a bit. i headed out the door at 3:30 to arrive in nashville for the audition at 5:45 (they're an hour behind us). but as i left town, my brain decided to nap and i a) forgot how to get on the interstate, b) changed my mind three times as to how to find the interstate, and c) wound up in traffic all three times and didn't actually get out of town and on the highway until 4.

but somehow, i still managed to make pretty good time. i went about 80 and except for a semi's tire flying off and hitting the front of my car and giving me severe anxiety that it had done major damage, there were no problems on the drive down.

the problems arose when i got to town at 5:20 and couldn't read my directions. that's right, my directions. my printer is not speaking to me, so i wrote out the directions by hand and of course the address is on a street that has two different names and when i put each name into google maps, yes, two different addresses showed up. but, even with this lovely red flag hovering above me before i left home, i decided not to worry about it until i was stuck in a 'turn only' lane headed away from town and towards open fields to think there might be a problem.

that was when i called my agent. who didn't answer. and i left a message saying that all was all right and i'm sure i would be there on time and not to worry. (he didn't call back).

as i sped and yelled and screeched to a halt and changed lanes in front of screaming folks, i breathed in the good and let out the bad. i took care of what i could when i could. i changed from my flipflops to my boots at stop lights. i put on lipstick while waiting for the traffic cop to wave me through. and i was ready - except for the one boot that was out of reach on the floor of the passenger side.

and then somehow, by the grace of all things holy, i found the address...kind of. i saw what would have been the neighboring building, so i swerved around and drove around the block, searching for the building i was to go to.

i screamed a few times and took deep breaths and found a space in a city parking lot. i parked, put on my other boot, and paid a lovely SIX BUCKS. frustrating. i ran to the door of the building and my hand touched the door handle at precisely 5:45.

i had arrived. and i could clearly see my reflection in the glass door.

um, funny thing. when i'm nervous or bored or talking to someone or not talking, i play with my hair. i flop it around and there it is. and because of the audition, for some reason, i decided to put a little product in my hair to make it look like it was in some way on purpose. well...looking at my reflection, moments before i would surely knock their socks off with my brilliant line reading, i realized that i had 'sex' hair (you know what i'm talking about). i looked crazy. my hair stood up in some parts, was matted down in others, and stuck out in a fan behind my left ear.

i looked at myself in absolute horror.

and then walked inside.

i rushed to the top of the stairs and went in the meeting room and signed my name while breathing like a dying lama. the actresses (ugh, i'm one of them) sat on the leather sofas and eyed me up and down as i lumbered over, sweat dripping and pooling around me. i collapsed on a sofa and looked back at the door to see a hand-written sign that read:

you are not allowed to park in the lot next door

well, crappity crap crap. yes, of course, my car was parked in the lot next door. but i paid, so they could kiss my ass, said my tough inner self. (my meek self was concerned with towing.)

a woman came out and called in the actors in the order they'd signed up. i was the last of the group of 'medical examiners.' they all had long, brushed hair and pigment in their skin. eh.

finally, she called my name.

i went into an office where the woman introduced herself as tillie and the man as simon, the director. (for those of you who don't know, people who work in film always have names like this). i plopped down in a chair, but tillie said that i would actually be standing for the audition...'or crouching, if you want.'

'i do want to crouch, thank you,' i said. and i said it in a way where it was clear that i thought i was being witty, even though it wasn't at all witty and i just sounded really dumb.

but, i wanted to crouch, so crouch i did.

tillie read my cue line and then i crouched and pulled back the flannel shirt of the imaginary dead man on the carpeted floor and said, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large collabor - cal-."

yep, i effed up the line.

'we need to change that line because everyone has messed it up today,' tillie said and laughed a little and simon pretended to say the line with marbles in his mouth, 'large col-la-bubububu.' and i laughed because that's what you do at an audition. you laugh at shit that isn't funny.

we did it again and again i crouched over the body and said the line (this time correct).

'hmm, you don't have to be emotional. this is your job. you were asked what you found and you're simply stating it. let's go again.' --for the record, i wasn't being emotional. it wasn't like i was saying the line like i had just discovered a loved one shot through the heart (and you're to blame). i thought i just said it.

so, again, i crouched and said, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large caliber bullet.'

'you're not announcing it to the world. you're just saying it,' tillie said, which sounded a lot like, 'no, you're not mad at him, you're just pointing. hey you. i know you. i know you.'

okay. giving information. not announcing. no emotion. just the facts.

i crouched, peeled back the imaginary shirt off the imaginary corpse, saw the imaginary bullet hole, 'one pistol shot to the chest. large caliber bullet.' and i think i gave a 'that's all i got' look to tillie, which could have been taken as a character choice or, what it really was, a 'please don't ask me to do this again because i really don't give a shit' look.

and they didn't ask me to do it again. they thanked me and i headed out and got back in my car (yes, it was still there) at 6:00.

fifteen minutes.

so i drove home.

again, don't think i'll be hearing from my agent regarding the role of the medical examiner.

to the chest

my agent doesn't call me to audition all too often, so it's strange to get a call twice in less than a month. (and so soon after my failure at the curves audition. but alas.) i have one this evening - again in nashville.

here's the line i gots to get just right:

One pistol shot to the chest. Large caliber bullet.

jealous?

toddlers for low pay

more passive aggressive, frustrated job hunters who use craigslist as therapy...

RE: CHILDCARE IN OUR HOME MON-THURS, needed ASAP!!!!

Roughly $6.25 an hour to care for two children and clean your house? Are you insane? Pay may increase if you are a super-experienced nanny and can commit long-term slavery? Wow. Some weekends and nights, too? Do you spend any time with your children?

Compensation: Long hours with toddlers for low pay

i was once offered 8 an hour to watch a toddler and if i felt i deserved more money (this was how she worded it), i was to clean her house as well (she has two large cats with a lot of hair). anger still erupts when i think of this conversation, but my situation was with a friend (yep. a friend. someone i've known for years.), so i got to release my anger in the old fashioned way - gossip.

i would pay for each breath

i guess we all wonder if our breath is bad. usually, we find a piece of gum or a mint, maybe drink a bit more water, or, you know, hire someone...to, you know...

Tell Me If My Breath Smells for $600 Per Hour

I’d like to be able to occasionally meet someone and have them tell me if my breath smells. I would pay $5 for each breath that you evaluate. At a given meeting, I might only ask you to evaluate one or two breaths. I would pay for each breath evaluated. For example, if you evaluated my breath twice at one meeting, I’d pay you $10.
If your evaluation of one breath takes 30 seconds, that would mean that your compensation would be at a rate of $600 per hour, since $5 in 30 seconds = $10 in 1 minute = $600 in 60 minutes. Thus, the compensation that you’d be getting in this arrangement would be very high compared to the time you’d be spending to get it.
Here are aspects of the arrangement that I’d like to set up:
- You could discontinue the arrangement at any time.
- You would never have to travel. I could come to you.
- If we met at your home, I wouldn’t need to step inside your home, since we would just have a brief interaction and then exchange money.
Please respond only if you meet the following requirements:
- You must not have any habits or physical conditions that could impair your sense of smell. For example, you must not be a smoker or have any nasal/sinus condition.
- You must be willing to be completely honest in your evaluations of my breath. Please don’t respond to this post unless you’d be truthful in telling me your perception of my breath.
So basically, I’m asking for honesty and a good sense of smell. If you meet those requirements and you’re interested, please email me with a description of your location, so I can estimate how long I would have to travel to meet you. Telling me your neighborhood or major cross streets would suffice.

is this a fetish thing that i'm not getting?

talk the talk

back in july i auditioned for a film being shot in the area. i walked into the air conditioned meeting room with unbrushed hair and no extra copy of my headshot and resume. when i introduced myself, the two producers and director were very nice as they sweetly and passive aggressively asked if i wasn't supposed to have been there the day before...which i found out later that yes, i'd misread the email. but they let me read a couple lines and gave me notes. and that was it.

long story short, i did not get cast.

but someone did. and that someone is a nyc actress and friend of my sister's.

last week she called my sister and wanted her to be her dialect coach because she was just shooting in the dark as far as the dialect went. well, my sister volunteered my name. she sent my bio to the actress to pass along to whoever was in charge of the film and made me sound somewhat professional by writing that i 'specialized in southern dialects.'

apparently it sounded legit because the producer contacted me and i drove an hour and half to the end of a very windy country road and by early evening found myself sitting in front of a film monitor, beside a rusty trailer, next to an electric barbed wire fence that enclosed a very loud bull. they gave me headphones and i listened to the dialogue as the scenes were shot. i felt very important. that first night, i was simply supposed to make sure there was nothing glaringly horrible. (there wasn't.)

between scenes, one of the producers sat beside me and asked how things were going. i said it all sounded okay, and then, very timidly, she asked if i'd auditioned for the film (because i looked familiar). i said yes and that i didn't really know how to bring it up and that i'm not really an actor anymore but if someone is making a film in the area with an actual budget, i love to just be involved, but then i felt like that gave away the fact that i didn't really know what i was doing as a 'dialect coach' and i just kept talking and talking and talking. i seriously couldn't stop. i feared i would be found out. but she just stared at me blankly and said, 'no, i think you were good, but just too young for the role.' hmmmmmmm. anyhoo...

as the evening progressed, i met various people on the crew, and inevitably, during the first words spoken, they would ask me a) if i could tell where they were from (confusing me with henry higgins), and b) how i go about teaching someone a dialect. so i made up my technique as the hours passed and the usual response was, 'that makes sense.' so i guess it made sense.

i went back last night and worked with the actress who first contacted my sister and we talked for a bit. before i'd arrived, the director told her to reign in her dialect because it was too extreme, and while watching the scene one of the producers sat beside me and said she sounded way too strong, but really, it wasn't anything. it sounded like she was from the area, but by no means was it too strong. i tried to explain that 'too strong' would not be understood by the yankee filmmakers. but i talked to the actress during the dinner break and we tried to find a balance of the regional sound without going too strong or slipping back into her northern speech patterns. again, maybe i made everything worse. one cannot say.

i head back on wednesday to work with an actor when he gets in. the producers asked someone to read all his lines so he could copy the dialect precisely. they sent me the voice samples, and this seems like it will be a lot of fun. i like it, but at the same time, kind of feel like i'm making it all up...which i am. but not really. my part in all this is so after-the-fact that there really isn't anything i can do. but it's still interesting and a credit on my resume.

and it is a lot of fun. this is the kind of thing i've done my whole life, but i've just always considered it either mimicry or being an asshole. and actually, i really do have to study regional dialects for the job i'm not legally allowed to talk about, so i suppose i've picked up more than i thought i knew.

maybe there's actually something there.

maybe this is the beginning of a brand new career.

walk the walk

a few days ago i received an email from my agent. he'd submitted my headshot for a national commercial for curves and they wanted to see me at their open call because i fit the bill:

These women should be warm, open, happy, busy, giving people who are beautiful both inside and out. They have a smile and personality that makes us want to grab a coffee with her...

These females will need to have some rhythm, as this spot has dancing. =)

i pictured an audition comparable to 'a chorus line.' or maybe a group of women in a big room doing jazzercise steps and slow-motion high-five's. i pictured tight-assed suits sitting at a card table watching all the "warm, open, happy, busy, giving" women doin their thing.

i woke up early - very early - 5:45. you see, my agent, and every audition he gets me, is in nashville, which is about three hours away. but it's a hub down here, and last january when i got some crazy idea that i wanted to be an actor again, i went and auditioned and got an agent - so now, every once in a while, i get to drive hours for a chance at the big time (big time not included).

i headed out, tired as all hell, drinking coffee and not at all feeling like the "warm, open, happy, busy, giving" person i was supposed to be.

when i arrived at the best western and walked into the lobby, three women in black yoga pants with long, combed hair strolled out, so i knew i was in the right place. it was then that the first moment of 'i'm a dork' sunk into my stomach. the notice said to wear workout clothes, so i wore shorts and a t-shirt because that's what i wear every morning to death boot camp. but when i saw the other women, i knew i should have at least attempted to look cool. (it's that horrible feeling we've all had - when you leave your house you feel really good about what you're wearing, but then after three hours in the car, no sleep, and a moment of clarity in the lobby of a best western, you realize that your legs are not tone nor tan and the red dots from either mosquitoes or razor burn can be seen by all.)

a young gangly guy gave me a form to fill out and for a moment i was the only one there. then a middle aged woman came in who seemed more my speed. she had real workout clothes on and her hair in a cap and messy ponytail. but then she took off her sunglasses and i saw that she had a black eye, and the only explanation was that she got it 'on vacation' (?).

and then the actress came in. (one of the most painful things in life is actors at an audition). she had on more jewelry than i've ever worn in my life, with her long hair flowing, and showed way too much excitement for filling out forms.

we were then told to gather our things and when i stood up, black-eye asked, 'so, you like zumba?' i stared blankly. 'do you zumba?' she said again. i looked down at my clothes to see what my style might indicate (nothin). 'i don't think so,' i said meekly. on our way across the parking lot, she said that it was why she was there - for the new zumba ad (still no idea).

the three of us walked into the room where a young director and a camera guy sat behind a table and looked through headshots.

'hi ladies,' the director said. we put our bags down and she went up to black-eye and asked how the surgeries were going (not sure if the surgeries happened on this violent vacation or after). and then we were told to stand in a diagonal and say our name, agent, age, and something interesting about ourselves (i.hate.this.crap.). 'carol, let's start with you.' i looked at the other women and turned back to the director. 'me?' i said. 'yes, carol go ahead.' 'i'm laura.' 'oh, sorry. for some reason i want to call you carol.'

after slating, the director asked us to turn to the right, and then turn again to face the back wall, which, quite expectantly, confused the living crap out of me. i did a 360 and turned completely around and then realized the actress and black-eye were correctly facing the back wall, so i quickly turned and i'm soooo sure no one noticed. once we got all the way around, the director asked if we all knew what zumba was. the actress and black-eye chimed in that they loved it and of course knew what it was. 'i've heard of it,' i said, referencing my conversation with black-eye moments before. the director explained that zumba was 'like traditional workouts, like jumping jacks and toe touches, but with a latin influence. yeah?' 'sure,' i said. 'great, i'm gonna play this music for 45 seconds and let's see what you got.' (what i heard was, 'when you hear music, please go bat-shit crazy.')

the actress and black-eye started with jumping jacks and seemed to know what was going on, so i started with jumping jacks too... and then something happened. i became completely unaware of time and space (and purpose of being there). maybe my brain took a nap. i'm not sure. but for some reason, i chose this moment in my life - this arbitrary moment at an audition for a curves commercial in a best western in nashville, tn - to absolutely go for broke. i danced, moved, jumped, spun, might have done the charleston, and kicked more than would ever be necessary.

then the music stopped.

the director went to the camera guy, 'did we get carol - i mean, laura?' she turned to me, 'you went a bit outside the frame...well, more than a bit. i tried to gesture to you to move back, but you were in your own world.' i didn't really have a response to this. they quieted and watched the footage, 'hmmmm, no that works. great. thanks ladies. we'll let you know by thursday.' (i do not expect to hear from them.)

and that was it.

all in all, about twelve minutes of my life and hours of driving down the proverbial tube.

so, i turned around and headed home.

contact me please!!!

i've always naively believed that one had to pursue a job - search for openings, contact employers for potential positions, and just keep pounding the pavement, as it were. turns out, it's much simpler...

I NEED A MODELING JOB!!!

I NEED A MODELING JOB ASAP!!
ONE THAT PAYS GOOD, ONE THATS IN XXXXXX.

CONTACT ME PLEASE!!!

Compensation: $80 an hour or higher

i'm rewriting my cover letter.

FUN!

below is a list of some charming craigslist ad titles i've come across:

unearthy woman

Ever wanted to be an astronaut?

FUN! Part Time. "work"

Guitarist's Wet Dream

British Mary Poppins Nanny Needed!

Eye Blinking Response to Noises/Thought Inhibition

Online Forensic Psychology Research Participants Needed, Money Prizes

Are you afraid of snakes?

Farmyard Animal Keeper

Morpheus?

Are you a lady with Class and Moxie?

"DID YOU SAY PAN OR PAM?" Entry Level Sales & Marketing

FACES WITH TATTOOS

Bird Sitter Wanted - Your Home

Chuck Norris Doesn't Save the Environment...

Must Love Dogs!! [for gayle]

good times.

school marm day 2

I cried last night.

I looked over the pages in the teacher's manual and tried to figure out how to break down the day and teach the kids about writing and grammar and be interesting and teach enough that would be an entire week's worth of work and give homework and know what i was talking about. but really, i have no idea.

teaching terrifies me. and last week and even leading up to today, i still road the magic coattails of this 'anne of green gables' idea. i loved telling people i taught in a one-room schoolhouse across the street from the amish. it seemed so strange and new and odd and old-fashioned that i never really acknowledged the reality of it...until last night. (the reality that i will never be miss stacey. i will never be anne. i am at best catherine brook, and really, i don't even know if i can live up to being 'an old gooseberry.')

i sat on my bed and cried. i stared at these books and pages and realized that i have no idea how to teach. i mean, really, i am rarely grammatically correct (the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding is this blog). i cried and wondered how i agreed to spend seven hours every thursday teaching and who knows how many hours through the week preparing for class. i still don't know how to put together a lesson plan, for pete's sake. and all this for very little (if any) money. i love this family so when i think about the lack of money, the ol' catholic poverty vow screeches from my insides that i should never turn down helping others. it's good, giving work. and i'm just a modern-day selfish scrooge mcduck who's after one thing - money. so how could i live with myself if i told this family that i couldn't do it?

so this morning, driving through the smaller and smaller towns, passing grain fields and silos, in my half consciousness, i wished to run off the road. i wished for a deer to dart out and careen into my car. i wished for an oncoming truck to cause me to fly into a ditch. i didn't mean to wish for great harm to myself or anyone else, i simply wished for a good excuse not to have to go through with today.

but luckily, my wishes weren't granted.

i pulled into the driveway and was once again greeted by randolph, the goose. i got out my books and purse and J came out of the house and told me i could go on into the schoolhouse. so i wrote words on the board: originality, active voice, etc. who knows. i got caught up in the way the chalk felt in my hand and i really wanted to stave off the beginning of class.

but class began and J, R, and K came in. it's funny to start a class with people i know. it seems so casual and we joke around and then finally, i'm the one in charge (yeah, me...crazy) and they sit at their desks and i ask how their homework went. they had to write an essay about a time when they learned from a mistake - or something like that. not sure. and as i talked to J and R about their essays, i asked K to read her book ('the lion, the witch and the wardrobe') and write down any sentence that she loved - any word that caught her eye. seriously, i have no idea what i'm doing, but last time she colored for the first hour of class.

J and R read their essays. R's was about being late to a fiddle contest and J wrote about plowing corn with his father (you get the picture). i asked them to pick out three sentences that showed off their own voice - three sentences that they were most proud of because of the language they used, the imagery, but that still sounded like them. and then i asked them to pick out three sentences that anyone could write - sentences that weren't particular and didn't have any interesting element. and i asked them to take the plain sentences and rewrite them to such a crazy, extreme over-dramatic version of it, it would be ridiculous. and they did. they wrote hilarious sentences. seriously, hilarious. and from those, i asked them to pick out a phrase, an image, a word that they could keep that would make the plain sentence a little more their own.

and then we had to go into the boring subject of colons and semi-colons and ellipses and parentheticals and shit that i really don't know about (again, point made clear by this very website).

while J and R did some exercises, i worked with K on the sentences she picked out. she's so smart and creative and goofy, but terrified of making a mistake. absolutely terrified. and when i sit beside her and she has to pause before she spells something, i can see her shake. i can see the tears almost spring to her eyes. but then she gets it. so, today, i introduced her to a new best friend - a dictionary. i told her to never be intimidated by a word she wanted to use, because her imagination simply ran a bit faster than her spelling - and pretty soon it would all come together.

of course, i have a great difficulty actually putting thoughts into words, especially when i'm teaching or relaying information, so what the kids probably heard all day was, 'you know, um, like when you write - um, cause, you know?'

[and at some point in class, R asked if i had ever seen the film 'high noon.' i replied that of course i'd seen the film because i love gary cooper and they all three stared at me in disbelief and R asked, 'you know who gary cooper is?' she's 13. it was a very strange backwards moment.]

but i think today was a good day. maybe. my stomach doesn't feel as horrible as it did with my anxiety last night and i felt a bit more in control.

let's see how the next week goes.

,pretty smart

i mean, it's not like i'm proud of everything on my resume either, but that's usually not what i lead with...

thats the only thing!

I can work up to 16 a day most honest person reliable ,pretty smart its I just have a felony.

i think part of the problem may be, well, that the ad is where one might search for employment... not employees. other than that, it's catchy, honest, and hints at a little intrigue.

just rude

passive...and aggressive?

why

post jobs, if you dont intend on writing back.

its just rude.

norma rae and karen silkwood would be proud of your fight, young man. proud.

school marm day 1

i met with V, the mother of the kids, last week at a mcdonald's across from a technical college. she gave me the teacher manuals and we discussed how to best work with each child. then this past week i proceeded to go apeshit crazy trying to prepare for class.

i headed out at 8 this morning. i got turned around because i couldn't find the actual back road, but i still arrived fifteen minutes early. no one was around except for a goose in the driveway hovering around my car. i knocked on the door and K answered - she and her sister were still getting dressed. she told me i could go to the schoolhouse where V was, so i headed over (about twenty feet) and balanced on the planks above the mud, passed a bucket of dried, rotten apples with tons - tons - of butterflies flying over and landing on, and opened the wobbly door.

V was straightening up the room (this is a one room schoolhouse). i helped her, folded up the fabric and patterns that were about, and got my stuff together.

they have three school desks that face a small chalkboard on the wall between two huge portraits of washington and lincoln. the room is a pretty big size, but feels smaller because everything is packed in - a piano, three bookshelves, a church pew (where i sat to teach), a standup bass on it side (borrowed from a friend), maps of the us, a globe, a manual pencil sharpener that doesn't work so they had to bring in the other manual pencil sharpener from the house, books and books and books and extra chairs, and a radio with quiet classical music playing.

after getting some things put away and other things merely moved, it was time to start. it was just plain overwhelming and anxiety making and terrifying - maybe because V wanted to sit in and watch. but i love the kids so i tried my best to tell them about writing and english and all the rules and telling a story and finding your own voice. and hopefully i didn't sound crazy. and then we got down to work.

i started with the older two, R and J, and we reviewed capitalization and punctuation. this is where i feel like maybe i shouldn't be a teacher because when i looked over everything last night i thought that it was really dumb that they even have a chapter like this because, really, ain't it obvious, but then i remember that i'm not 12. so i read from the book and tried to use examples i thought of, but then read some more and just felt like i had no idea what i was talking about even though i did, but i didn't want to accidentally give them little hints that were completely wrong. but V was in the room when i had to remind the kids to always capitalize the Lord. )we talked about god at the mcdonald's and i've always known the family was religious and i'm fine with that and i'm fine with teaching them however the parents feel they should be taught as long as they are learning the grammatical rules and whatnot. and i grew up catholic and will always be catholic for the most part (it's my default religion), and i'm fine with christianity, but i have a lot of trouble saying things like 'god' and 'lord' and 'jesus' and making them sound like i'm not being ironic. but i think i did okay.)

after reviewing caps, i gave them some questions to go through. they went to work and i reviewed more of the book and K sat at her desk and drew a flower in her notebook. she's 9 and usually just soaks in what's going on with her brother and sister and then gets one on one time. i thought i had an hour and a half to get it all done, but then V kept coming in to tell me we had more time, so it turned out i had two and a half hours so i just kept babbling and trying to give them work and not ruin their brains. i realized that i need to parse out the day a bit better - give R and J some review exercises while i work with K and then go back to R and J. who knows. i don't know how the other marms do it.

and then they gave me lunch.

i told V about the crazy ass job thing going on and said i would try to figure something out, and i really hope i can. hopefully i'll be able to still get up there on a weekly basis and accomplish something with them.

post script: last week when i met with V she told me that she didn't know how much they could pay, if anything. i know they're poor. they live on a self-sustaining farm afterall, but this is such a rare and interesting opportunity and i love these kids, that i thought it would be worth it. and when i got in my car, folded up on my dash, was twenty dollars.

odd jobs 101

so today i woke up and attended 'boot camp.' it's a fun (not really) way to work out early early in the morning and i completely regret it until the end of the hour.

i got home and realized i had to watch two more films for the local film festival, of which i am a judge - somehow this shit happens to me.

but today is a day when i babysit for my friends and their beautiful little newborn. she's really perfect and i just sit on their sofa and hold her when she sleeps so they can work on their laptops and i watch television, or the television is on, and today i had the hardest time staying awake.

and now i'm trying to get stuff together to be a school marm tomorrow. i've procrastinated to the bitter end, which is hilarious, and now i have to figure out how to make copies before i head to their place at 830 in the a. m.

-but i just typed and printed work from the workbook...yes, i did. i typed it because they only have a workbook for the teacher (that's me) and not the one for the students - hence typing and copies. but i'm excited and terrified because i also have to tell them of the potential crazy that's going on with maybe a new job or maybe a new blip in the history of my life. who knows. but i want to tell them and have the tension start as soon as possible.

but to add to all the fun, a director i worked with in march on the alligator picture show called me last night and asked if i could go out to the owner of the alligator's trailer and record him saying a line that was messed up in the original audio - which means that i will have to scrub down afterwards because the place makes me feel crazy creepy crawly...but not because of the alligator. it might be the dust or the cats or the porn. one can't say.

and my brain is about to explode.

more crazy

i interviewed today for the marketing coordinator position. it actually sounds pretty exciting. but when i handed over my resume i almost expected him to point to the door because they don't want crazy people working there.

but he didn't.

it terrifies me to go this far outside my 'dream,' but then again, who knows where the hell it could lead...

and it's not even like the job's been offered to me, so i'm just sitting here stressing or dreaming or thinking that a regular work week would be strange to have again...

but this is how it all began: he went into a wine shop where i had sent in my resume to work part time and he and the owner were talking and the owner said of all the people who had applied (70), i really stood out (even though i didn't even get called for an interview). and since then, "many" people have gone in to say that he should have hired me because I'm "amazing."

yeah...who knows...

but i guess it isn't any crazier than being offered the position of a school marm at a funeral.

classy and honest

one man's dream job is another man's prison...

looking for a wife without the marriage [aren't we all?]

I am a business owner on the north side of XXX and am looking for a personal assistant to make my life easier [who doesn't want a personal assistant?]. Your tasks will include grocery shopping, going to the dry cleaners, cooking once in a while, massage once in a while [define 'massage'], light cleaning - in return you will be paid hourly and also have the opportunity to go to nice restaurants ['when i allow you to leave the house'] and be taken care of ['by me...in a little room...where i shall ask you to wear this dress. this red dress. marjorie loved red...you look like marjorie.'] - I am a classy and honest person [clearly] and expect the same ['don't you dare lie to me'] - I am looking for someone professional in appearance so I would appreciate a professional photo [taken professionally in front of wallpaper trees and a plastic stump] - this is a dream job in my opinion! [he's right. i can't think of anything better...well, maybe as jame gumb's sewing assistant.]

• Compensation: WILL ADVISE [creepy] AT TIME OF INTERVIEW

now i shall sit and wait for this to (surprisingly) go awry and end up on the national news.

random

i got a call yesterday from a man who said he 'heard my name around town' and wanted to talk to me about a marketing coordinator position in his company.

crazy.

side note: i had to research what a 'marketing coordinator' does on wikipedia.

hit me with picks

i actually clicked on this ad because i wanted to know what a 'striper' was.

stripers

i run a escort service looking for new talent hit me with picks money is great

local celebrity

as you may or may not know, i am a theatre critic for a local weekly magazine. i love this gig, but am well aware of my (very) small contribution to the arts scene here in town.

so you can imagine my complete confusion when i checked my email this morning and read this:

We have our final...auditions this Saturday at 2pm on the Blue Ribbon Stage at the XXX State Fair and I was wondering if you would be available to be a judge??? Please say YES! J

Sorry for the last minute notice, one of our judges from last year who we’d invited back had to pull out and we need a new celebrity (XXX Theatre Critic/Queen) to fill in.

obviously, i cannot pass this up. at all. this is the kind of shit i live for.

(and yes i see that i am a last-minute replacement and who knows how many people turned them down before they lowered their standards and got to me. but hey.)

i've always wanted to be a 'celebrity judge' in any capacity. and to be one at the state fair, and on the blue ribbon stage no less, makes reality even better than the dream.

genius.

on a related note...if they read my bio out loud (yes, i had to turn in a bio) and i have to stand up and wave after the said bio, i will feel like a full fledged douche.

cat excrement and/or rat droppings

i like harry potter as much as the next guy, but...

"CALLING ALL WIZARDS!!!"

Greetings fellow wizards!

I am currently looking for a slew of wizards to assist me in my daily activities. Duties include, but are not limited to: quidditch, creating new potions and ethers, cleaning up owl droppings, cat excrement, and/or rat droppings. NO SLYTHERIN STUDENTS ALLOWED. SNAPE SUCKS! No first year students please, students of GRYFFINDOR preferred and are encouraged to apply. Must have own broomstick, and a sufficient wand. Please help me combat "HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED".

• Compensation: 7.25-9.00/HR depending on experience. Salary positions available!

a few questions:

1. ummmm...wtf?

2. how old is the person who wrote this ad?

3. is there an actual job involved?

4. did the word 'pedophilia' leap into anyone else's brain?

5. i'm only a hufflepuff, so does that mean i don't even have a chance?

6. how do i know this wasn't written by volde - 'he who shall not be named' just to lure us in?

7. will harry potter be there?

8. if i'm an excelled first year, can i still apply?

9. how can it possibly pay anything?

10. uh...still...wtf?

so, i wrote an inquiring email to the posting:

Hi,

I saw your ad on Craigslist and I am the wizard you are looking for!!! I'm a Hufflepuff, but still great friends with Gryffindors and I definitely want to combat "He Who Shall Not Be Named."

This sounds like the opportunity I've been waiting for and I can't wait to learn more!

What do I need to do?

Thanks,

laura latchkey copernicus

here's hoping i hear back.

explain how to play

the subliminal saving of your soul...

Lazer Force Lazer Tag Zone

Part time job offered... Job duties include

set up for lazer tag at beginning of day [sounds simple enough]

speaking in front of groups to explain how to play [this gives me anxiety at times, but i'll give it a shot]

monitoring lazer tag games [sure]

redemption [no problem]

stocking [my arm strength isn't - wait, did they say 'redemption'?]

clean up [still trying to figure out the redemption thing]

lug and tote

two things that make me nervous in life 1. when people call me by my name at unnecessary times. for instance, if i ask someone if they like their ice cream and they respond, 'yes, laura, i do.' i'm immediately taken aback and my stomach starts shaking. and 2. the first day of work because inevitably my impending duties, no matter how simple, completely overwhelm me.

(side note: i did not change one thing about this notice. no, not even the punctuation.)

Identify, Dismantle and Stock New and Used VW Parts

You will be dismantling, identifying, warehousing, stocking ,,labeling, putting into inventory, and stocking VW parts.

We have a warehouse full of VW parts accumulated over the last 30 some years. You have to help us stock and sell them. A day job . . . some flexibility in hours . . . must lug and tote . . .climb ladders . . .lift and carry 75# parts . . .most are not 75#. . . most are small . . . most parts are new but many are used. You may get dirty . . . a hands on job . . . . . . you must be fast on a computer . . . and you must be mechanically inclined . . .if you cannot figure out the left from the right and the front from the back caliper of a VW ,... sorry, save us both the pain . . .don't think I expect you to know everything but I expect you to know car parts. We don't expect you to be a mechanic.

the pauses are because the large, brute of a man must scream out the duties over all the machine noise as the fellow warehouse workers on break look up from their oily cheese sandwiches and stare blankly at the new girl whose sweaty palms clutch a notebook and pen.

you don't have to be nude

freshman year of college, innocently sitting in my dormitory, i got a phone call from a 'gentleman' who didn't ask my name, but upon picking up the phone asked for my shoe size. i told him (at the time i thought i wore a 9, but it turns out i wear a 71/2 or an 8 - long story). he then asked the size of my ankles and the height of my arches. i gestured to my roommate and we attempted to contain our laughter, especially when he asked me to find a hard surface to step on so i could tell him if i could fit a marble under my arch while standing. and then we hung up in uproarious laughter...i swear to everything holy i had no idea the caller on the other line was using this information for anything sexual.

but since i've had some experience in the area, this ad caught my eye:

Pretty Girls Needed For Thursday Foot Fetish Event ($300 - $400 avg)

We are looking for very attractive girls with pretty feet [are corns pretty?] to get paid $300 - $400 per night to have their feet massaged [who doesn't love a good foot massage?] and kissed [wait...] at our weekly foot fetish events including one coming up this Thursday (August 19th) at 7pm! The work is very fun [i like fun - check], easy [i hate anything challenging - check], you don't have to be nude [i love wearing clothes at a fetish party where i'm the fetish - check check check] and it is 100% legal [wait. i wasn't even wondering, but now that you've brought it up...]. If you are interested in joining our team and being a part of this Thursday's event in an upscale nightclub- please send an email with all three of the following:
1. Your name
2. Your photo [of my feet?]
3. Your phone number
MUST BE 21 AND OLDER TO APPLY!!!
We look forward to speaking with you soon,
Georgiana

hmm...so, i'm off to buy marbles.

easy as pie

One day, cash, easy,

just help me count and ag 100 pieces of inventory, easy as pie, takes abut 3 hours. 20 bucks. Thanks!

a. is the reason it's so easy because they already know how much inventory needs to be counted?

b. why does it take 3 hours to count to 100?

c. is 'ag' a verb?

bush hoggin

i love people who don't beat around the bush.

I need someone to come bush hog and weed eat for 8 hours tomorrow (August 12) from 8am-4pm. I can rent a walk-behind bush hog, and I have the weed eater. I live in XXXXX. This job pays $100. Please call if interested: XXX XXX XXXX

la france est absolument incroyable

j'ai eu l'occasion d'aller en france en raison de la bonté de mon meilleur ami et de pitié. Il a été incroyable et belle et jolie et radicale. je suis très reconnaissant d'avoir cette vie.

schoolmarm

i have been asked to teach in a one-room schoolhouse.

seriously.

we have family friends who home school their three children on their farm...their extremely old-fashioned farm. they don't have a tractor, they have a mule and a thingy pulled by the mule. they can food for the winter and make their own cheese and crazy shit like that. and behind their house, wooden planks hover above the mud and lead you to a really, really old one-room schoolhouse (wood-burning stove included).

someone already comes in to teach history once a week, and music, i think, and now they've asked me to be the english teacher...or writing...or something in that regard (clearly, i'm a master of the language).

and I’m insanely excited about it.

why, you may ask...well, i shall tell you.

for the majority of my youth and into my adulthood, i was obsessed (and 'obsessed' puts it mildly) with 'anne of green gables.' and so even though it's 2010 and i'll be wearing jeans and old clogs most days when i head up there, this is how i picture myself in my new found career...

word about whatever

details are sooooooo tedious.

Accepting six to ten people for this..

I don't want to take up too much time so very briefly I am someone who works to introduce individuals to companies who want to spread the word about whatever they provide. You will be able to tryout all sorts of unique things. Perfect for anyone's schedule since it can be done whenever..

and anyone who wants specific information is an asshole.

just words on a page

not that everyone has to be shakespeare, but...

Atv and more

i have been working on gocarts and dirtbikes for 5 years now i know just about what there is to know so if u need my work give me a call u wont be dissatisfied. My labor and charge goes as if its goimg to be a two day job then i just charge 25 a day and if its going to be just a two or three hour job the i charge 8 dollars an hour and i give u the price and what parts is needed before i start on it to let you know if your willing to go ahead with the process i give receipts and proof of everything being transacted and done dealing with labor and parts etc. so if you in need to get something going that is just sitting around give me a call at XXX-XXX-XXXX. serious inquires only.

actually, i feel extremely guilty for posting this, but it's just, you know, come on, man...come on...

hackintosh

i have absolutely no idea.

loking for help with a deploying osx on a hp mini

seriously. wtf?

bad-asses and sexy girl friends

wanna be in a movie?

we need some one with a bad-ass hayabusa [the suzuki hayabusa is a sport bike motorcycle] to show off there bike in a movie . [ .]

please if you have a Bad-ass busa [the busa language is a language isolate in northwestern papua new guinea] please send me pics with your contact info

you will get a copy of the film showing off your bad-ass busa
we need you to ride it off screen at the end of the movie with a smoking hot girl thats it !!!! [ !!!!] [smoking hot girl is it !!!!]

we will only pic[k] one hayabusa [hayabusa 隼 is japanese for peregrine falcon]

since my hayabusa is not 'Bad-ass,' i searched to see if they were casting for any other parts:

we need a few sexy females for extras in a film we are shooting . [ .]
these are non-paid parts and a couple parts have very small talking roles.
please contact me here and send a pic with your contact info . [ .]
these do not require a lot of acting , [ ,] [shock-ing]

the parts we are looking to fill are The Mob Bosses Girl friends [ie friends who are girls, not 'girlfriends'] and just sexy females walking around his office and night club. [you know, just bein cool. talkin. hanging out. bein sexy around the office and night club. maybe leaning over or somethin. no biggy.]

we need about 8-10 very sexy females . [ .] [i've never been so skeeved by the overuse of the word 'females.']

i need to stretch.

we shall overcome

i headed out to the last (hopefully) of my mentor meetings and arrived (two hours) early so i wandered around downtown to pass the time in the godforsaken heat that is this summer.

as i waited for borders to open, i saw a protest going on down the street, so i hustled to find out what the haps was all about.

getting closer i heard the chant 'you've got yours we want ours' and saw signs proclaiming 'equal rights for adopted people' (i'm assuming it's because of the buses, water fountains, etc.).

it was like any other protest, except not. there were about 25 or so protesters...and no opposition. no counter-protest. no popo. just a group of people with posters, capri shorts, good walking shoes, and a bullhorn...wandering around across the street from the visitor's center downtown.

the woman with the bullhorn tried to hand it off to another woman, and because it was left on, everyone on fourth street got to hear that one woman has issues speaking in public and just can't - NO, she just couldn't do it - 'please, no, janeane, you know this is not something i feel...'

so then it fell into the hands of a very sarcastic young man in a tie-dyed shirt:

sarcastic guy: what do we want?
protesters: our birth certificates!
sarcastic guy: and when would we like to have them?
protesters: now! (the passive aggressive in the crowd shouted 'soon!')
sarcastic guy: is this asking for anything special?
protesters: no!
sarcastic guy: you mean all we want are our basic rights?
protesters: yes!
sarcastic guy: that's too much to ask for, don't you think?
protesters: ...confused shouting...

the main woman took the bullhorn back and tried her hand at it again.

woman: what do we want?
protesters: our identity!
woman: when do we want it?
protesters: now!
woman: why do we want it?
protesters: ...confused shouting...

so, there were a few hiccups with the call and response, but the t-shirt of a young woman summed it all up:

i'm adopted and i vote in NJ.

point made.

(no, this did not occur in new jersey.)

geeks just wanna puke on you

we all have triggers. sometimes it's traffic or maybe it's a restaurant getting your order wrong. (or, if you're like my college roommate, it's the words 'lotion, tissue, and bikini' and anyone who ends a sentence with a preposition.)

and sometimes it's a craigslist ad. (i believe it speaks for itself.)

Media Developer- Graphic/Print/Video Designer SIKE SIKE SIKE (LAND OF GET REAL!!!!!!)

Below is just what makes me sick about companies not paying talented people what they are worth... $15.00 dollars an hour? ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY!!!! are you purposely trying to take advantage of the recession and all the people that are outta work right now....

THIS IS A JOKE PEOPLE... YOUR AD I WISH I COULD FIND OUT WHO IT WAS FOR... BECAUSE IT MAKES HONEST HARD WORKING NERDS and GEEKS JUST WANNA PUKE ON YOU.....

THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND I AM OUTRAGED!!!!

DANK gonna have to slap somebody!!!!!!!

O and now your ready to hire someone... please reply again.... YOUR A STRAIGHT LOSER!!!!!

KICK ROCKS!!!!!!

with all that skill you should be able to call your own pay for hours.... dont be fooled your worth more than that...

this rant is then proceeded by the original ad, which seems so sweet and meek compared to the attack...

Media Developer- Graphic/Print/Video Designer

...We're a small, rapidly-growing company looking for a "jack of all trades" to help with our media needs. This individual should be able to perform a wide range of tasks throughout the course of a 3 month contract period with the potential for extensions or a full-time position...

The *preferred* candidate would have a 4-year bachelors in a Graphic Artist / Video Production Specialist career field OR Minimum 4-years of combined experience (portfolio would be required along with any examples of work completed)...

The pay is $15/hr starting ($33k/year) with raises possible, especially for excellent work and/or if the position is extended or made permanent (at which time health benefits, etc would commence).

We have a cool, loft-style atmosphere with a laid-back, fun staff...

Thank you.

yes, i agree with the 'HONEST HARD WORKING NERDS and GEEKS' that this is a pretty tall order for 15 bucks an hour, but it's probably worth it since it's 'a cool, loft-style atmosphere with a laid-back, fun staff.'

but, then again, 'DANK' really is gonna have to slap somebody, so...

p.s. KICK ROCKS!!!!!!

my body, my choice

looking for the young and the old, the naive and the wise, the movers and the shakers...

Bikini Bike Washers

Our local dealership is looking for four girls to be bikini bike washers...who are excited to be part of an event...[that] has an average of 350 people and 250 motorcycles in attendance...You will be working for tips...If you're interested, come by yourself or bring your group of girls!

pantyhose model wanted

uninhibited and open-minded female sought by amateur photographer to model pantyhose. no nudity although poses would be considered erotic and adult. no publication although you will recive a digital set of the photos to do with as you wish. pay is $100.00 for 1-2 hours. if interested please reply with photo(s). not looking for professional models.

Looking for upscale ladies

Join Our Winning Team of Exotic Dancers!...We are looking for attractive, well groomed, experienced dancers...However, we are willing to train eager ladies...We provide a safe, clean, & friendly work environment...conveniently located near the XX airport. Along with the lowest house fee’s in the state...[o]ur contemporary upscale gentlemen's club offers table side dances, VIP Lounge, private shows and commissioned drinks!...[W]e strive to treat our entertainers as stars!

Looking For Dancers

We are a collective of women that teach Tantra and empower women thru the expression of thier bodies. We are looking for Burlesque and dancers of all kinds for private shows.

...haven't decided which one is best for me...

that's the way it was

while a chauffeur, i had the luxury of listening to satellite radio (when the bag lady wasn't in the car). and even though i had every type of music at my fingertips, i spent a lot of time on the 50s station.

i love - love love love - bubblegum pop.

now, i understand that it was a different time. i know that most songs were about being the perfect girl to get the perfect boy and all that. but then there are songs that even in the context of the 1950s seem completely apeshit crazy.

like lesley gore's hit 'that's the way boys are.'

i had never heard it before and sang along heartily, and then i paid attention to the lyrics. and i froze. froze behind the wheel. jaw agape. shocked. i mean...wtf?

When I'm with my guy and he watches all the pretty girls go by...
Well I feel so hurt deep inside, I wish that I could die!
Not a word do I say...
I just look the other way!
'Cause that's the way boys are!
That's the way boys are!

When he treats me rough and he acts as though he doesn't really care...
Well, I never tell him that he is so unfair!
Plus, he loves me and I know it...
But he's just afraid to show it!
'Cause that's the way boys are!
That's the way boys are!

Oh, when he wants to be alone...
I just let him be!
'Cause I know that soon enough...
He will come back to me!

When we have a fight,
I think that I won't see him anymore!
Then before I know it - there he is...
Standin' at my door!
Well I let him kiss me then...
'Cause I know he wants me back again!
That's the way boys are!
Yes, that's the way boys are!

Oh, I love him!
Well now, that's the way boys are!
I said that's the way boys are!

thank god for the second wave. seriously, thank god.

(just found out lesley gore is a lesbian. interesting.)

taken in marriage

i've never mourned the fact that i'm not married...until now.

married couples earn x-tra $$$

Good morning – afternoon – evening local couples [charming intro. i want to be their friend.]

We are in need of couples that would like to earn x-tra $$ on a wkly. basis and can attend one of our open house’s this week and here’s why. [definitely lures me in with the fun way they use text language for words like 'x-tra' and 'wkly.' it saves loads of space. it tells me they're fun, cool, and people who like to party. and really, i want to know what that house has.]

We want you to learn about our products and our company plus you will earn $100 for a few hrs. of your time at our open house. After this event you’ll be offered a p/t position that will pay hourly with bonuses [define 'open house']

Please complete our on line app. at XXXXXX [where we will ask you how sexually liberated you are. on line. online.]

Someone from our promotions dept. will be contacting you today. Have a great day! [thank you. i will have a great day!]

my goal for the afternoon: scroll through the list of my homosexual friends and see if any would like to pretend to be my marital companion...

driving miss bag lady

two days of being a chauffeur.

day 1

i picked up the rental car (black and fancy and i think a chrysler) and drove back home to don myself in my black trousers and white top and 'spackle the hag' (ie put on makeup - don't want anyone to think it's something inappropriate). I loaded the car with m&m almonds and water and then missed the entrance ramp because i was too enthralled with the satellite radio. i probably lost twenty minutes.

soon on the road i realized that i needed coffee. and bad (thank you argentina for creating this dependence). so, after taking multiple exits in search of any establishment close to the interstate, i finally purchased (and later felt queasy from) a mocha frappe at micky d's.

then a gentleman at my destination called to ask if i could pick up the bag lady at 3pm, thirty minutes earlier than scheduled and i, of course, said, 'that's absolutely no problem.' and then he asked me how i got started being a chauffeur (because why not have a little chat?). i told him i had just done it a couple times. and then he informed me that his roommate wanted to be a chauffeur and had all the required licenses for it (didn't know there were required licenses) and i told him that really, i had no idea how to get...started...and it was just getting weird. so we got off the phone.

then i hit some construction and traffic, so i got to call the gentleman again and inform him that i would probably pick up the bag lady fifteen minutes later than she wanted, but still fifteen minutes earlier than scheduled. fine fine.

i thought i was actually giving myself such a huge window, that i would definitely be earlier than i told him, but i would have enough time to stop at a restroom and fill up the gas tank before picking her up. (rule 1 of chauffeuring is you never stop for gas or your own bathroom needs when a client is in the car. good times and great busted kidneys.)

so i was finally getting close. a couple spare waters in the front seat in case the bag lady was thirsty, a full tank of gas, a nice fancy dancy car, and five minutes between us.

and then, oh yes, and then, traffic stopped. stopped. like 'put the car in park and think of people you might want to text' stopped.

i called the gentleman and told him to inform the bag lady of the situation (it was now 3:05). they all understood and i hung out in the car and listened to satellite radio as a torrential downpour began. crazy rain. cr-azy.

45 minutes later (yes, 45 minutes) traffic began to move. i got into town and finally picked up the bag lady about an hour after she had wanted to be picked up. and what's really funny is that they locked her out of the place where she had been speaking, so she stood under an awning waiting for me the entire time i was in traffic. so we were both in great moods.

(oh, so the bag lady. ummmm, i'm not sure why this woman is described as such unless casual banana republic capris and loose silk tops are common among the homeless. by these standards, i'm a street urchin.)

we drove through more rain - crazy downpours - and loads of construction, but we made it in less than three hours. and during the ride there was very little conversation, since i was 'the help' after all. and when she got in the car she said she didn't mind if i turned on the radio to stay awake. and because i'm a dork i said i didn't need it on. why? probably because in my mind i was pretending that i really was a chauffeur and this is just what i did. i drive in silence and don't get ruffled by anything ala morgan freeman in 'driving miss daisy.'

so we drove in silence except the few times she spoke to say, 'can you believe this rain,' that her granddaughter is living with her for the summer, and to inform me that she's blind in one eye.

it was kind of like a long (3 hour) meditation. a meditation where you're actually operating a large motor vehicle.

day 2

the bag lady called this morning and said she wanted to be picked up two hours earlier than scheduled, so i headed out, giving myself about 30-45 minutes extra for traffic, construction, etc.

about a half hour away she called and said she was ready - an hour before she said (and three hours earlier than originally scheduled).

but she was grateful that i was close, so it all worked out. and she had a 'horrible group,' and just couldn't wait for the week to be over.

the drive was silent again. and for some reason even with the iced coffee from starby's and a shorter drive than yesterday, it was hard - really really hard - to stay awake. what did i do, you may ask, to stay alert and aware on the road when the radio, phone, and talking to myself was not an option?...tighten my butt muscles. seriously. and it worked.

we made it into town without incident, and as we neared her hotel, i found out she's from columbia, sc. i told her i had just been there and she asked why and i said (and seriously, this makes me question what my problem is) 'i was there because a film my brother was in got into a film festival there.' why did i not mention the film i was in? why did i not say i was there because i did something that brought me there, instead of saying that i was a passive bystander to someone else's life and career?... apparently i took a freakishly extreme vow of modesty and dork as a young child.

anyhoo,

after dropping off the bag lady for the last time, i met up with the nice german woman, turned in the car, got paid a bit more than expected, and now i'm back in my little hobbit house.

all in all, a nice couple days.